Couple's counselling

[aj2234]

My boyfriend's therapist has suggested we go to couple's counselling. We've been fighting a lot about the same petty issues, arguing about communication styles and things of that nature. We both feel like we cannot bring up serious issues without it escalating too far or hurting the other person's feelings.

I'm not necessarily afraid to go, but my boyfriend phrased it as 'I want someone to sit you down and tell you about my communication style'. This concerns me, because I'm happy to talk about it, but I don't feel as though I need to be sat down and 'told' what to expect and deal with - I'd rather compromise and adapt.

There's also the matter of cost - he does not work and only receives a student allowance. I don't earn enough to pay a lot per week, and neither of us have private health insurance. I've tried to find counselling services online, but they're all geared towards married or older couples. We are 23 and 22 and have been together for almost five years.

Do you have anything that can help us, either in the meantime or to find a service that's more suited to us? We are in NSW, Australia.

[Sam W]

Hi aj2234,

You mention him being a student. Does he have any access to university health center that might offer this kind of counseling?

Are there things that are recurring arguments beyond communication style? Or does it all center on that? Because one place we could start is to give you articles that talk about addressing those issues.

[aj2234]

Unfortunately not, the university focuses more on individualistic therapy, and even then there's not a lot of support. We might fight about other things, but in one way or another it all comes down to communication style, so if you have any articles on that we would really appreciate it.

[Sam W]

Okay! Can you tell me a little more about what the communication troubles you two have look like?

[aj2234]

I think we're having trouble realising that arguments don't have a winner, and that it's about listening, more than being right. I think we're both very stubborn and really want to push our point across to the other person, to the point where we might, accidentally or not, ignore the other person's feelings or what they're saying.

I think we'd be happier if we could tell each other things that are bothering us, or hurting us that the other person is doing without causing offence or an argument, too.

Does that clarify things?

[Sam W]

Got it. I think this article makes a good starting place. The first chunk is on evaluating relationships, but the rest of the piece focuses a lot on communication, including some links in one of the sidebars to tools for communicating during fights: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

[aj2234]

Thanks for that Sam. We've both had a read and were pretty delighted to find that we both feel a lot of the first list and not very much of the second. We're both going to try mediating as something to help us chill out a bit an reevaluate how we approach each other.

One thing we do struggle with is anger - which I hope the mediation will help. We're not really sure how to approach the other person without making them angry, and not really sure how to not get angry when we are approached. Is there any advice you can offer with regards to that?

[Sam W]

You're welcome, I'm glad it was helpful!

Can you tell me a little more about what that anger looks like and where it seems to come from? Is it closer to irritation and bickering or more like yelling whenever the other person raises an issue?

[aj2234]

It's more we both get really defensive and bitter and it quickly escalates to yelling.

[Sam W]

One thing to try (and you may have already) is to make an agreement that when one of you starts feeling that instinct to escalate is to step back and take ten or so deep breaths. For a lot of people, arguments snowballing into bigger arguments come partially from the momentum of the fight, rather than the content.

[aj2234]

Thanks, Sam. We've sort of tossed it around as an idea, but it's not something we've really put into practice. I think with us meditating, and with the idea of moving forward in both of our minds, it might be a bit easier to do in the near future, should we need to. We've just spent the weekend together, and we had something to talk about with one another but we both said we didn't want to fight and we stopped and accepted the other person's view and uh! It was just! So! Nice! No fighting, and we cuddled immediately after talking.

I think you're right - I don't think either of us particularly care about what's being said, just more that it's leading somewhere negative and we get far too carried away with it.