I'm straight but I'm also not

[MariaHernandez]

Hello, I'm a 19 year old girl and my whole life I've dated boys. And I thought that was what I liked. I had always found girls attractive but come on, who doesn't? We girls are beautiful. But nothing more, I was never sexually attracted to a girl I knew. UNTIL last year (2016) that I started to look at one of my best friends differently. I'm not in love with her or anything, I mean I love her with all my heart but not romantically. I just look at her like a really attractive person that I want to kiss so I did. I went for it and a she had no problem with it, she is very open minded and she saw nothing wrong with doing it so we did. And now every time we go out I just wanna push her into a wall and kiss her all over and who knows what more. So as you can see, it wasn't a friendly bff girly kiss, it was a 'I wanna tear your clothes off' kiss. So, that made me really confused, am I bixexual? Am I gay? Or am I just curious? I know that wanting to have sex with a person of your own gender doesn't make you straight but she is literally the only girl I had sexual attraction for. And for me to call myself a bisexual I also have to see myself in a romantic relationship with another girl right? Sorry if i come out as ignorant, I'm just really confused. I don't know what label I should have. Or am I just attracted to people and not gender?


P.S. I think is important to say that I watch girl on girl porn, the only thing close I watch to straight porn is when I watch threesomes. But all my life I thought that straight girls watching girl on girl porn was normal, now I think maybe not.

[Iwanthelp]

I feel like you've got enough indicators of not-straightness that you could go for a bi or gay label personally - a lot of female/female attraction gets written off as "ah yes just gals being pals maximum hetero nothing to see here" so it can be hard to recognize our attractions as we're growing up. We're not given a framework for it, whereas if we're a girl growing up saying "boys are just pretty to look at also I really really really care for this boy and want to kiss him and only watch porn with boys in it" it'd...be a lot easier to say we're attracted to that gender, if that makes sense?

[Sam W]

Hi Maria,

I'd agree that when you're at the point of kissing someone every time you go out, there's definitely some attraction going on there, which indicates your identity as being maybe a little different than you thought in the past. The truth is, only you get to decide what label you're comfortable with (or if you're comfortable with a label at all). And it's okay to not know right away and to take some time to work out what identity feels like it's right for you. Does that make sense?

(Iwanthelp, thank you for your answer, but a reminder that this section of the boards is for staff and volunteer replies only)

[MariaHernandez]

Hello, everything you guys said makes sense, like its obvious that if im attracted to another girl then I'm not that straight, and I had sex with guys before, never with a girl, but I know that when the time comes I will defenetly do it. If i ask my other girlfriends if they would kiss a girl or have sex with a girl they would say no in an instant and for me it's not a big deal. But, I don't see myself being in love with another girl, like romantic feelings, see what I mean? Is it just sex? Curiosity? Just a phase? I know gay people in my circle of friends and I know that they are born that way and they embrace it and theyare sure of who they are. And I love seeing that in people, people embracing their sexuality and being free. But for me is just a big question mark :/

[Mo]

I have a few thoughts here. One is that some people do feel different types of attraction for different types of people. If you feel sexually attracted to women but not as inclined to be in a romantic relationship with a woman, that's a valid way to feel. Sometimes I'll hear people say they assume being bisexual = "I feel attraction to men and women to the same extent, and in the same way," when in actuality there's a lot more room for variation in how you can feel attraction to people.

Too, when people grow up in a world where a) women are presented as objects of sexual desire, not just in sexual media but in advertising, general entertainment, etc. and b) people are assumed heterosexual by default, it seems fairly common for women who are realizing they're bisexual or lesbian to have thoughts similar to what you describe here, that they feel physical attraction to other women but can't imagine a dating/romantic relationship with them. And as I said above, it's entirely possible that this is just how they really feel - I'm not trying to discount that view at all. But I do also know that some people start out feeling that way, because they're fitting their growing feelings of attraction into the social framework they've grown up in, where women are obviously sexual objects but not available for romance. And these cultural messages can be extremely persistent, and hard to disentangle from one's own desires. I can't say whether this is a factor for you or not, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to bring it up.

Also, while there are definitely plenty of gay/bisexual/queer people who understood their own sexuality at a young age, it's not uncommon for people to take longer to understand their own sexuality, or to not experience same-sex attraction until a bit later in life. It sounds like your gay friends have a lot of self-assurance and maybe came to that understanding fairly early in life, but plenty of gay and otherwise-queer people struggle to accept their sexuality, or spend a long time unsure of it. There's really no one standard narrative here, so if your experience doesn't align with what you see around you, that doesn't mean your feelings or identity are less valid.
It really is ok to be questioning or unsure of your sexuality - that's a process a lot of people go through. It can be complicated stuff!

[MariaHernandez]

Okay so I'm clear now, what I have with her is just sexual attraction or just attraction in general. Like when I see a guy and I like him but that doesn't mean I want a relationship with him, that doesn't mean I'm not heterosexual. I'm a little more clear now, and I'm not gonna put a lable on myself. But the porn thing? Almost everyone watches porn and everyone has their own favorites when it comes to porn, but it isn't ironic that I like girl on girl in my situation?

[Karyn]

Porn - or fantasy more generally - can be an indication of your patterns of attraction, but not everyone's fantasies line up neatly with their attractions in real life. Some people enjoy porn or fantasising about things they wouldn't be interested in at all in reality, whereas for other people their fantasies more closely reflect who they're attracted to in real life. Basically, relying on fantasy alone, including porn, isn't going to tell you everything about your orientation.