Feeling Too Much At Once

[dalisabeth]

Alright so I have previously posted about my abuse in my later post. I mentioned how it was reported and such, but I find myself with a bigger problem.

Before I go into detail, let me tell you more about the abuse. Okay so I'm 14 and my cousin who is currently 17 has raped and sexually assaulted me. The first sexual assault occurred when I was 11 years old (no rape/sex was involved yet). About two years later his mother died and my parents were granted guardianship. He started slow with just touching my butt, and my thigh, but it progressed to trying to kiss me, trying to get in my pants, and more butt grabbing. A month later things took a toll for the worse. We were camping in out backyard and he raped me when i was asleep (i woke up during the act).This continued for about 7+ months. For those months I stayed silent. I did research and called hotlines, but nothing seemed to help. They all said report it, but I refused. After a while i gave up. I stopped fighting. In my mind i already lost everything, so i stopped resisting his touch and the next time he tried to kiss me i let him. Well October 2016 my dad walked in on me on top of him and him touching me. I tried to leave but he pulled me on top of him and I had no willpower to fight anymore since I knew he was stronger than me (which he proved when he raped me) and he already stole my virginity. Dhs was called and restrictions took place in our home. We weren't allowed to be in the same room as each other and all doors are to stay open, etc. I only told the authorities that he just tried to touch me and that he did touch me. I did NOT mention the rape. Well after a month of both of us being on lockdown he started getting to me again. He starting grabbing my butt, getting close to me, pulling me aside just to kiss me, and such. Around 2 months ago he told me he was going to come in my room and lay down with me at night when everybody was asleep and he did. We did nothing, but lay there in the dark. A couple times after he laid down with me I went to see if he was capable of raping me again or if he really had changed just a little bit. I could live with the touching but the rape makes it difficult. And he did. I pretended to be asleep and he raped me. I was heartbroken. He recently tried to finger me but I grabbed his wrist trying to stop him. He was already kissing me in the process, so when I grabbed his hand he said "It's okay' and continued. I still tried to stop him, but he's an athlete and has more muscle than I could ever have. He soon convinced me into having sex with him. He wanted to do it a lot, but I just couldn't so that night he would rape me when he thought I was asleep. There were a couple times we almost got caught, but we haven't yet. I hate every bit of it with him because I know he's using me, but I can't bring myself to confront him.

So now that you know what's going on here's the issue: Why do I feel like I'm being drawn to him now? Do I crave the affection even if its not real? I have no idea.

I have so many feelings going through my head and its overwhelming. I can't determine whether I like him or I like the attention. I don't know if I love the way he gives me that adrenalin rush when he kisses me or if I love the fact that I feel like I have somebody. I feel all of these honestly, but not sure how to respond to my feelings.

He started talking to this girl and that's when I felt being used and manipulated even more. Because he would talk to her then rape me or have somewhat consensual sex with me. I noticed he seemed to stop what he was doing. Except he would still lay with me. He got grounded from his phone and would get to me more because he couldn't talk to her. He would ask me to text her for him or if he could text her, and I felt jealous in a way. Its to the point where I hate her so much and I don't want to hear about her at all. I let him use my phone anyways despite the risk that I could lose mine for letting him use it since he's grounded I don't know why.

Is that normal? Or am I overreacting about all of this? Why do I still help him despite what I feel? And what do I feel?

I have multiple questions in here and I'm sorry for how long this is. I just need to let it all out somehow.

[Sam W]

Hi Dalisabeth,

I'm so sorry all of this is going on. I know you mentioned a counselor in your other thread. Have you told that person what you told us in this thread? If so, what has been their advice?

You are 100% correct that your cousin is manipulating you. From what you've told us, it also sounds like, because he started assaulting you years ago, he's groomed you in to expecting his attention and has tried to make this seem "normal." The truth is that this is none of this is okay, and that you deserve to be safe in your own house (or to be in a space other than your house where this won't happen). I think an option that you should consider is to tell your counselor that the order from dhs is not being followed and that the behavior is continuing, and ask for their help in making a new report. Is that something you feel comfortable starting the conversation abut?

I want to reiterate something MO said in the last thread: feeling some attachment or affection for your cousin isn't totally unexpected, given how long this has been going on and how much he's tried to get you to see it as normal. That can really mess with your head. But even if it has started to feel that way, it doesn't make what he's doing okay.

[Iwanthelp]

I remember in the previous thread you mentioned him pulling away/ignoring you at points. That can very easily screw with a persons' head and an abuser knows it, like the intended affect is "wow, even this person who interacts with me to hurt me/is a relative in the same house won't talk to me how do I fix this". He's also been grooming you since before you were a teenager to think this is normal.

You could easily be feeling aspects of stockholm syndrome here if that helps for an explanation, even if there's not a kidnapping the part where you're stuck with someone hurting you and trying to find ways to cope is still there if that makes sense.

Read in the last thread what dhs/your parents called you, that was really fucked up for them to say and I'm sorry 3: I'd definitely talk to your counselor about that if you can, I know being called manipulative when you most definitely aren't can screw with your perception of yourself. (It certainly wouldn't help with processing what's going on) I hope there's some non-dhs service you can report things to, there's people out there who can handle csa cases without being horrendously awful to the survivors/victims.

Forgot to say, he could be bringing up the girl at random as a method called triangulation as well. Google articles explains it better but it's when a person deliberately goes out of their way to instigate jealousy by hauling a third person person into a screwy dynamic, eg by roping one person in and suddenly pulling away and putting another person on a pedestal right in front of them.

[dalisabeth]

I don't know why, but I'm protecting him. I don't want him to be in jail. In a way I care about him. Yes I hate what he did/is doing, but everybody messes up sometime. I don't want to report it because if my parents couldn't handle him touching me, kissing, etc then I know they can't handle the rape part. They asked if we had sex and I said no, and I don't want to lose their trust all over again once I'm finally getting it back.

[Karyn]

Like Sam and Mo have said, it's not unexpected that you have some affection for your cousin and care about what happens to him. However, you aren't safe right now, what he's doing to you is abuse - way beyond just making a mistake or messing up - and making sure you're safe is the most important thing right now, beyond losing your parents' trust. Have you had a chance to look at the response that Heather posted in your other thread about reporting?

[Iwanthelp]

If it helps with feeling conflicted about him and reporting you could think of the discipline/behaviour angle - constantly doing horrible things with no consequence is not good for a person, because in the long run they'll become a worse person if that makes sense.

[dalisabeth]

Yes, I have seen Heather's post on the previous thread. I feel like he'll do it to someone else that's why I hate how my parent's are trusting him so much more than me. I think I can stop him tho like maybe if i give him what he wants he'll be attached to me which means that no one will get hurt. I don't want him to feel the way I do right now.

[Mo]

Something I think is important to point out is that you can't control his behavior. If he chooses to assault someone else in the future, it won't because of what you did or didn't do; it'll be because he chose to do it. Your hurt is very real right now, and it's ok to try to prioritize your own healing and survival.

[dalisabeth]

He doesn't stop. He wanted sex just now but I kept saying no we can't. He pulled down my pants and stuff and we almost got caught by my sister. I don't want to do this anymore.

[Karyn]

I'm so sorry, dalisabeth.

Can I ask what you thought about my suggestion in your other thread, that you start just by telling your counsellor that your cousin has not stopped abusing you?

[dalisabeth]

I don't known how and I don't want to. He's so confusing he makes it seem like he looks out for me and like he actually cares and stuff, but then he starts messaging some other girl or something and I feel like he's just using me. My parents are finally trusting me again to be home alone, and I don't want to lose that once again. I know I probably sound like I want it, but I'm not sure whether I do or not anymore. The feeling I get when he's with me is too confusing. I don't know if he loves me or if I love him or what's happening.

[Karyn]

Would you like some suggestions about how to bring this up with your counsellor?

I know this feels confusing for you, but in case it helps to hear it again: your cousin is abusing you. People who abuse others do not care about them, and are not looking out for them, they are doing harm. Your cousin does not love you, because someone who loves you would not hurt you this way; that's not love.

We want you to be safe, but unfortunately, getting to a place where you're safe might involve some tough stuff, like dealing with your parents not being supportive. I so wish that weren't the case, believe me, and I wish you weren't in this spot to start with. However, please know that we are here for you and will offer whatever kind of support we can to get you through this.

[Mo]

I want to add something to what Karyn said about your cousin being abusive, which is: abusive people can and do act kind sometimes. That's part of what can make abuse so hard to recognize and escape from, and it's something that abusers generally do on purpose to make things harder and more confusing for their victims. It's understandable that you're feeling confused right now! But the abuse really overrides any kindness he's showing you here. I'm sorry this is so tough for you right now, and that he's still pushing so hard.

[dalisabeth]

I'm staying the night at a friends house rn and before I left I said message me on Facebook. He said "no you're leaving me" like I hurt him for not staying home with him that night. I felt bad but it was too late to stay home. Idk tho he just ugh.

[Sam W]

You 100% made the right decision by staying at a friends house so that you could have a safe place. Is that friend willing to let you stay more often?

As for his message, that is an example of him trying to manipulate you. He doesn't want you to break away from him, even for a night, because that gives him less control over you. So he's trying to make you feel bad for keeping yourself safe, which is not the sign of someone who cares about you (or who is safe to be around). Does that make sense?

[Iwanthelp]

I've sometimes found asking a relevant adult if they have an email and emailing them a thread link (or a brief version of what's going on) helpful for when I've not been able to speak in person. Putting it out there in case that comes up as an option.

[dalisabeth]

Okay. I'm just too scared to tell because things have changed this time its not like he's doing anything completely wrong. He's just using me and stuff. My friend and I weren't exactly friends to begin with she's more of my cousins friend now. I just went to smoke. And here's the day yesterday. I got home and he kind of avoided me because I left I'm assuming. I honestly felt kind of bad, but I noticed he was messaging someone on his ds since he don't have his phone. Which apparently turned out to be his ex. I felt kind of jealous but relieved because maybe everything would just stop. However we went to the park and messed around with me. I would be in the slide and he would try to take over and would end up kissing me, grabbing my boob and ass, and fingered me... His sister was laying on me so I couldn't exactly try and stop him, but we were in the slide so no one could see anyways. Sometimes his sister would leave, but she always came back eventually. We left to go play softball and went back to the park later with all the kids. Nothing happened, but me, Nik, and his sister and this one dude Tyler were gonna go to the trails to go smoke. He said he could get us some weed, but ended up me, Nik and his sister just playing at the trails since he had to stay inside. When we were walking he would put his hand in my pants like on my ass and then would finger me other times. He grabbed my ass a lot outside the clothes and would like almost flick it saying "jiggle jiggle" then start laughing. He slapped my ass a couple times too. He threw me over his shoulder and would say he's throwing me in the water but I like wrapped my legs around him so he couldn't. We found this area and we started playing there so we just stopped and started "exploring" and his sister started making weapons. I wandered off and he followed. He came up behind me unexpectedly and put his hand over my mouth and his other arm around my body to guide me. He walked me further away and he started kissing me and getting in my pants and stuff. I said what if you were a stranger and he said but I'm not and kissed me again. I started walking past him but he grabbed my legs to where they were wrapped around him. I said I want to go explore and he looked kind of sad. But he eventually pulled me onto his lap. He did that a couple times actually. And then I got up and ran and said I'm hiding so you can't find me go with Marissa. He chased after me and took a different path. So I stopped and he came up behind me and said I couldn't find you. So he started kissing me and touching my ass and stuff. Then he tried pulling down my pants. I said not here we can't. And he said shh yes we can. So he pulled down my pants and start eating me out. I stopped him and said no we cant we are gonna get caught. And he said no but I was already pulling up my pants. And I saw a teepee looking thing and ran to it. And Nik went back to his sister. And he did just kept doing the same thing for the whole day. I thought that it was done everything. Guess I spoke too soon. But this morning he came in my room and layed down with me, and said to go to his room. I said no quite a bit but he kept bugging me so I went to his room. We had sex I guess you would call it... I kept saying we are gonna get caught and that I need to go but I think he ignored me or couldn't hear me because he didn't stop. After he was done I left to go check on laundry. It wasn't done so I went to my room to go lay down. He came in there after a while and scared me and kissed me then left. So I decided to go check on laundry again real quick. I checked on it and he went in there he started kissing me and then he got into my pants once again and fingered me. He tried to take me to his room but I said no I'm gonna go take a shower each time. He pulled down my pants after I resisted it for the longest time. I said no we can't not here pulling them up and started walking out but he pulled me close to him and it did it all over again. This time he lifted me up on the dryer with my pants down and started trying to have sex/fingering me. He picked me up and held me with my legs wrapped around him and stuff. I got done and tried to leave again but he pulled me to him once again and kissed me. I said I'm getting in the shower. And he said OK. And followed me so I said you can't come with me. He was like yes I can and kissed me again and I was like haha no. And so that was the end of it bc I got in the shower and now I'm laying in my bed. Everything he does messes with my head. And I hate it bc idk what to do bout it. I can't tell anybody so please don't ask. I'm not ready to. I can barely understand it right now.

[Eddie C]

I am sorry you are feeling so confused and trapped, dalisabeth.

I really want you to know that because you are not able or ready to ask for help right now, it doesn't mean that you want or deserve any of this. We do NOT want you to do anything you don't feel ready/comfortable doing, so please do not feel pressure from us. We do care about you and your safety and that's why we are always going to try to give you as many choices or look for resources to make sure you are safe but we understand that this is about you and only you. One thing that happens when we are faced to abuse and sexual assault is to get the feeling that we are not in control of our own life and body and we do NOT want you to feel this way with us. On the contrary we are hoping you can get to a place to feel empowered so you can make ANY decision you think is best for you.

If what you want/need for the moment is to be able to come here and vent all this confusing feelings you are having, then vent away. Sometimes letting things out in writing can be really helpful and who knows, maybe it can give you something you need to take your next step.

We are always rooting for you.

[Karyn]

I also wanted to just check and see if there's maybe a way you could spend a bit more time out of the house from now on, just so you don't have to see your cousin as often?

[dalisabeth]

I don't know. He got his phone back which means he's going to be talking to these girls again. I don't know why but it hurts me so much. I don't want to feel this way anymore. All he does is hurt me and I can't seem to get away from him. Im almost drawn to him. Its all hurting me and I'm so alone. I don't have anybody to text when I need to. I don't have anybody to tell my problems to I'm so alone and I can't do this much longer.

[Jacob]

Hi dalisabeth,

I'm really worried for your safety from him and your own mental health.

As we've said previously, we often feel positive things, even attraction, towards our abusers. It's part of how we learn to survive, but it's not sustainable. I'm so sorry you're having to wrap your head around all of this it's something nobody should have to do.

How would you feel about us helping you report this, or at the very least help you find somewhere to go to get away from home?
It sounds like it's something you don't want to do on your own... but what about with our support, or doing as much of the legwork for you as we can?

I'm so glad you've felt able to share this information with us and that you have somebody to tell. We are also feeling a real duty of care here to do something to get you out of your situation.

Sending you all the well wishes I can!

[dalisabeth]

No. I'm not reporting this. I can't no.

[Sam W]

Can I ask why you feel like you can't?

The reason Jacob made the comment above is because you deserve to be free of this situation. And what that sometimes means is involving people who have the ability to make the situation stop. That can be incredibly scary to think about, but sometimes a small, scary step is what needs to be done in order to prevent ongoing harm to you.

[dalisabeth]

Because I'm not ready for the comments people are gonna say. Dhs said shit to me, so did my parents, and so did many other people. I'm not dealing with that yet. I can't.

[Jacob]

Thanks for replying dalisabeth.

Could we talk gently about how you imagine it might work if it went well? ... or other options for making another attempt?

It doesn't mean you would have to do it right away, but it wouldn't hurt to know more about your local resources. Or trying to learn what could be a safer way-out.

You wrote about how badly your parents and DHS reacted. It sounded like you didn't have a lot of support for yourself... While receiving accusations from everyone who should have been supporting you.

Being hurt a second time you have tried to find help would not be a good outcome at all. So I have total respect for that fear.