How to get over an unfulfilling sexual relationship?

[myriad]

Personally, I feel it is my fault. My fault for having so immature and naive ideas and approaches about sex and had no realistic knowledge about it. I was inside my own bubble and having some huge expectations. All of those ideas and things have come from getting my knowledge from porn. And now I dont watch it. I was a compulsive viewer and it definetly had negative effects on me, like mentioned the expectations and stuff.

I had a relationship, my first real relationship and etc. All was great at the beginning. I was eager to have sex and make love to the girl who I cared for. And then when we tried to have sex, it wasnt great. Yeah, i freaked out about losing my erection. I was anxious dont really know why, but if i try to recall then the dick size worry kind of impacted and will I be good. The usual yeah. It made me very panicked and i put off sex immediately and just shut off. It was dumb of me, but then i didnt know any better. We tried a few times more and everytime it was the same. I started to freak out and acted the same.

Eventually i started to lose my confidence and didnt really initiate it anymore. It was my own fault. My own attitude, views and mindset of sex, were completely off. I had idiotic and very superficial ideas of sex. I thought a lot of naive things. From that she would bail or something, but obviously she wouldnt she didnt the relationship all sex, she saw it as something more, I was the naive one thinking very drastically about things and over thougt a lot of things. My mind was my own enemy back then. We should have talked about it. I masturbated (daily) and watched porn (often) to get the release and cope with it and in which I believe i lost my sexual desire to make it better or atleast have sex. It was a bad combo of anxiety and stuff. :/

Guess it was a form of miscommunication. She also had some own doubts as she wasnt experienced at all also. It was never going to get better, because of my attitude and approach and i was immature over it and lacked rational and realistic thinking about sex. in the end we broke up, not because of sex, but other things. sometimes I think what if the sex were to be better, maybe things would have been. I also have a hard time shrugging it off, because we had a connection and I had feelings. It isnt so easy. I try to learn from it and yes I have completely changed my mindset. But now I just feel so stupid of how I was so naive and childish about these things and didnt Made any effort to improve things rather Avoid sexual issues or intimacy. Maybe i wasnt ready i dont know, but it just sucks right now.

How to bounce back from this...? I feel like i have been the only one so stupid. Most of it I think was influenced from porn and having it watched from young age. I didnt know any better. I wish I would atleast had done some research on the web to make things clear but yeah i didnt. I felt stuck and it paid me. I am angry at myself. I should not but those were my mistakes and things, I have a hard time to let go of, because they make me feel so stupid and angry at myself.

[Karyn]

Hi myriad, and welcome to the boards.

First of all, try not to be too hard on yourself (I realize that's easier said than done!). You're far from the only one to have made mistakes in a relationship, or to keep going over the "what-ifs" and feeling like there's something you could have done differently. When people don't have a lot of experience dating or being sexual with others, and especially when that's paired with a lack of access to good-quality information about the realities of sex and relationships, missteps happen (a lot). There's no way you could have known better; you were doing what you were able to at the time.

Knowing that you've made mistakes, though, isn't always that comforting, as you've discovered. Breakups - regardless of why they happen - can be really tough, even more so when you haven't had any experience dealing with the end of a relationship before. If you haven't already seen it, this piece on coping with a breakup might be useful for you: Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking

As for how to get past dwelling on this, some folks find it helpful to think about what they've learned from a difficult or uncomfortable experience, and think about ways that they want to do things differently in the future. Does that sound like it could be useful for you? (If you'd like to talk some more about how communication can go in a healthy relationship, for example, or learn some more about possible ways to deal when sex doesn't go as planned, that's something we can help with!)

[myriad]

Yes, I would like to know some more. But anyway thanks.

[Karyn]

Okay, so these two articles would probably be a good place to start:
Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner
When Sex is Just a @#*&!ing Bummer

This one might also be useful: Sorting Maybe from Can't-Be: Reality Checking Partnered Sex Wants & Ideals

Once you've had a read through those, come on back and we can talk some more. (And if you have any questions about the articles or something isn't clear, just say so and I'll try and clear things up for you.)

[myriad]

What to do with porn? I dont want to watch it but i still get urges.

[Karyn]

If you've decided that you would rather not watch porn, the most straightforward thing to do is just to pick something else you can do when you feel that want. That could be masturbation without pornography but just using your imagination instead, or it could be something non-sexual like writing, going out for a walk, or some other activity to distract yourself.

(If you find that those urges feel out of your control or that you have a compulsive need to watch porn, then that's a sign that you might want to check in with a mental healthcare provider.)

[myriad]

Honestly, I feel like in a rut, because of it. Sometimes I think like I said, that we broke up because i couldnt handle. This kind of messed up my mind. I am obsessed of not watching porn or masturbating because I just feel guilty over it now. Because of the past and the relationship where I didnt make the effort or anything to make it better. I am quite in a distraught because of it, because I am single and i am frustrated over it all. And that she is with someone else

[Sam W]

Then it sounds like the better option is to find something to replace masturbation with, at least for a little while (masturbation is nothing to feel guilty over, but if you'd rather avoid it right now, that's absolutely okay).

I think, as Karyn said above, the way to manage those frustrated and upset feelings is by thinking about what you can learn from them that will make your next relationship better. And honestly, those feelings are normal in the wake of a break-up and they will fade with time.

[myriad]

Well yeah, hopefully, but i am definetly gonna lower my frequency, because getting that constant release, saps my sexual energy and then I have no interest towards sex and girls, lets say I am less motivated. I kind of had a addiction I am trying to get rid of. So yeah trying to lower it, to a healthy and more normal way. Is it even normal that i lose the interest after masturbation?

[Onionpie]

Hey myriad.
Although the concept of "normal" is pretty irrelevant when it comes to sex (and most things in the human experience, really) as everyone is so individual, and thus there kind of is no "normal" -- losing interest in sexual activity after masturbating is a pretty typical experience, so you're for sure not alone in that! That being said, the level of masturbation that people are comfortable with, for whatever reason, is totally individual so comparing yourself to others is not necessary It's all about what makes you feel best for yourself!

[myriad]

I had it in compulsive mode to it. I feel like i was a porn addict who developed social anxiety over it and stuff. And it kind of started and fueled my behaviors to compulsive. Anyhow, sometimes I do Wonder If we broke up because of sex. And I feel it is my fault. I was a perfectionist towards sex. Gave myself expectations that i couldnt do although i had minimal experience. It makes me sad. Sorry for rambling so much, but like I said,. I feel quite low right now for being so naive and stuff

[Sam W]

If you feel like you're having compulsive behaviors around porn use or masturbation, that's something to talk to a mental healthcare provider about (as would be the case with any compulsive behavior). You're right that holding yourself or your partner to unrealistic expectations around sex can make for a frustrating or stressful situation. I'd suggest reading the article Karyn linked to above about sorting the maybe from the can't be when it comes to sex.

[myriad]

Yeah, I had very bad view and approach towards sex. I felt embarrassed and that i disappointed her. Hence from the big expectations. I saw sex as a something as mechanic, as a task that i had to perform good constantly or it had to be satisfying, instead of something where you can have fun and pleasure and took it light-hearted and not thinking to myself practice makes perfect, because i was to superficial about it and expected to be good from the beginning. I took it too heavily and it was too unrealistic. Porn kind of shaped me with those thoughts unfortunately. I still sometimes think, it was because of that we broke up or atleast emotionally got distant and it got tense between us or it caused problems indirectly. Because of sex...

[Onionpie]

Hey myriad. Although I know it can be hard not to dwell on those "what ifs", it's also important to recognise that 1. we will never know for sure, so we can "what if" for the rest of our lives and it will never help solve anything and 2. at this point, there is nothing you can do about what happened -- you can only take what you have learned, and move forward with it. So, are you feeling like you're starting to make some progress on the way you perceive sex, your expectations for yourself and your partners, etc?

Often, when we're finding ourselves stuck in this very circular form of thinking that only leads us around and around through our feelings of guilt, shame, regret, etc, it can be incredibly useful to talk to a professional who will give us some concrete things we can change in our thinking and behaviour to help us start moving forward. Are you feeling like you've been very stuck with this thinking, and for quite some time? Because then I would definitely suggest looking into counselling or therapy if that is something you can access. Does that sound like something you'd be interested in finding out more about? We can always help you with your search, as well, if you need it!

[myriad]

Well, thank you very much for the help. I know, that this kind of thinking wont change the past or anything. But yeah, I have talked to a therapist and etc. And yes, I have felt stuck in my thoughts, that i am scared to let go. I am scared, because I fear, that these things could happen again and I am very careful about it. I am Open for any help you can give or advice i could take. Thanks

[Karyn]

When you talked to a therapist, what kinds of things did they suggest?

[myriad]

Mostly, to learn from this and it wasnt because of sex that we broke up and dont blame yourself and etc.

[Sam W]

When they give you that advice, do you and they talk about what you can do in moments where you're struggling to do those things?

[myriad]

Mmm yeah...

[Sam W]

One thing to try, then, is to keep a running list of the techniques that you find work for you in those moments. That gives you something to reference when you're feeling down, because sometimes being in the middle of a funk can make it difficult to remember the tools to get you out of that funk.

[myriad]

Ohh man, I dont know, this is just ridicilous and nothing more. It is my own fault and that is it.

[Sam W]

What's feeling ridiculous right now?

[myriad]

Still the same, that it happened.

[Sam W]

It does take time to recover from a break-up, and you'll likely have ups and downs in how you feel rather than a straight path to feeling better. Right now, I suggest taking a look at the break-up article posted early on in this thread and combining some techniques from that with some things you've learned from counseling.

[myriad]

It has been quite a long since we have broken up. In my head, it still bothers, because I feel lonely.