Questioning lesbian?

[wintergreen]

I have had a boyfriend for a year and a half. I felt very attracted to him at first. Once I began questioning about whether I was bisexual, I started feeling less attraction and more anxiety about sensual relations, but I thought it was just ocd. I even began wishing he was a girl, but I thought it was for social justice points.

Lately, I've been thinking "I wish i was a lesbian so I could just date girls," but it was a casual thought and I thought it was just because I wanted surety. However, recently my best friend called me gay (as an umbrella term for bisexuality), and I felt so relieved I didn't have to deal with guys.

I've read a lot of lesbian blogs, and saw some things I related to. For example, I had a crush on my boyfriend for seven years and thought he was unattainable, and after we scheduled out first date I was terrified I had made the wrong decision. I've never had a celebrity crush on a guy, fictional crushes at the most, where I never had to actually look at the guy.

I've been thinking a lot about attraction. Straight girls are allowed to kiss girls and even date girls, and enjoy it, but still identify as straight, right? Experimentation can be fun but enjoying something doesn't mean it's your orientation, right? I'm really confused about this whole thing.

[Jacob]

Hi Wintergreen!

I'm picking up a bunch of phrases that imply you feel like part of what's constraining you are what feel like rules or a fixed system:

'...have to deal with guys'
'...allowed to to identify as straight'
'...social justice points'

Regardless of how you identify, you don't have to date/deal-with guys. Furthermore you can kiss girls and still identify with being straight if that feels right to you. You don't need a get-out clause for that.

It sounds to me like your orientation has had elements of being attracted to guys and elements of being attracted to women. And perhaps like the idea of playing with gender in your fantasies... 'what if my bf was a girl' etc.

Your choices about who you want to date right now, and how you feel most comfortable identifying right now, don't need to directly reflect all of that, you don't need to stick to any rules or systems because those personal, they are yours. You are allowed to change and grow in both aspects, identity and choices.

Our piece on Orientation could be something you find helpful: The Rainbow Connection: Orientation for Everyone

Finally, I don't know what you mean by social justice points Do I have any? Can I cash them in for anything? Seriously though, I don't find that it works like that. If you want to participate in social justice efforts your identity is only one small part of it. You can do so based on the work you put in and the relationships you build with fellow activists. Part 2 of Our intersectionality piece could be helpful if you fancy giving it a read: Intergalactic Intersectionality Adventure Part 2: Putting It Into Action

[wintergreen]

Thank you so much, Jacob, for your response. I think what you picked up on about the rule following makes a lot of sense with what I know about myself. However, the part about being allowed to identify as straight, for me, is being allowed to identify as gay, and I phrased it to reflect other people, if that makes sense?

And I've definitely read the articles you suggested! Thank you for suggesting them. And thank you for reminding me I don't need to follow the rules.

[Heather]

IMO/E, being punk rock about orientation and identity is generally a good way to go.

[sdnthegirl]

It seems like you sort of decided on an identity for yourself in making your profile for this message board (it says pansexual in your profile). If that's how you want to identify right now, that's absolutely 100% fine. If you change your mind tomorrow or 10 years from now, that's fine too. Everything's made up and the points don't matter

[thewrit3r]

This has pretty much been said already, but I would identify with the orientation you feel most comfortable. Or none, if you don't feel comfortable with any. Queer is another umbrella term you could use if you're not sure about some of the others. But whatever feels comfortable to you IS your sexuality. People have all sorts of opinions but there aren't any "rules" when it comes to your sexual identity. Everyone's experience is individual and valid. Just do what feels best to you, which can always change, so just be in touch with your feelings and be true to yourself