Friends or more, but with weird medical condition

[Osgood.14]

Ok so my problem is essentially the same as the post "Friends or more" from July 1st. There is this guy who I think I might be attracted to as more than just friends, but I just don't know. The problem is with my medical history.
I recently started being treated for a medical condition I've had my whole life. (We only recently came to the right diagnosis.) I know that this condition has messed with all my hormones, as in all the chemical messages in my body. Thyroid, HPA axis, all of it. I'd never had a crush( I'm 18), I thought (well still think) that all the movie stars and such are very symmetrical but I'm not attracted to them. So a few months ago I was discussing asexuality with one of my friends who identifies as ace/aero, and that seemed to fit pretty well for me. And this guy (Hereafter referred to as A.) was one of the few people I felt comfortable enough with to tell him that.

But then a few weeks ago the treatments I've been doing started to kick some things in gear. I lost weight, which I have never been able to do, I'm less anxious, I have more energy and my latest blood panel came back with much better numbers. These are all signs that my various hormone producing organs are starting to work more as they should. And logically that would mean that at some point all the other hormones would shift into gear as well.

A. and I are currently working together at this summer camp as counselors, and I first started thinking I might like him as more than friends when I realized how happy I was to see him again. (I hadn't seen him for a few weeks.) And again, I've known him for a while, so being this excited was a recent development. I'm pretty introverted and anxious, so there aren't many people I'm that eager to see, and most are my family.

I really like spending time with him and he's said he likes talking to me. I always feel like I want to spend more time alone with him. But I can't really tell if I'm physically attracted to him. I don't get super nervous when he's around, my heart doesn't really beat faster, no sweaty palms, etc. But I don't know if it's because I'm not attracted to him or because of my illness.
I've pretty much decided to just steel myself and talk to him about it when we get back from the weekend, but any advice would be appreciated. Thanks in advance and sorry for the rambling.

[Sam W]

Hi Osgood,

Something it might help to focus on prior to your talk with him is to do some self-reflection (which it sounds like you're already good at) to think about what you want. In other words, what kind of relationship do you want with him right now? Is it to try dating, or adding in a physical component to your friendship? Something else? If you feel like your system is still a bit in flux from treatment, do you want to wait a little to see what happens on your end?

With the question of attraction, you're right that physical responses like increased heart rate can cue you that it's happening, but the mental component is also important. Do you feel any desire to touch or otherwise be physical with him? Do you ever find yourself fantasizing about him?

[Osgood.14]

Yes, I think I would like to have a more physical relationship, yes also on the fantasizing. A big part of it is that I'm curious, again never really having had a crush before, but I do have that impulse. I just don't really have a good frame of reference for what exactly I should be having the impulse to do? I'm a big believer in consent, so I want to talk to him before to make sure he feels the same way and wants something similar.

As for dating, we're both pretty introverted, but we're also pretty comfortable around each other, so I want to talk first to see what he thinks dating means because I'm not sure what I think dating means.

One of my biggest worries is that even if we both wanted to have a physical relationship, I just wouldn't feel anything when we were together because those channels are still blocked. On that level, yeah I just have to wait out the medical stuff.

I also have to think about the fact that we're going to college soon. I'm taking a gap year at home to finish up medical treatments, and he's going to a college that's just an hour away, but after that I'm going to be on the other side of the country. So yes I'm definitely thinking about being in a relationship, probably overthinking actually .

Actually writing out answers to your questions was already really helpful, so thanks a ton.

[Sam W]

You're welcome, I'm glad it was helpful!

I will say that attraction is a very personal thing, and we each experience it a little differently. Some of this may be a learning process for you as you work out what attraction feels like for you. I noticed you listed Demisexual as your orientation. If you haven't seeking out writings or discussions by other demi folks about their process of learning to read their feelings could be really helpful as well.