How do I sort out my feelings?

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Tigger1
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How do I sort out my feelings?

Unread post by Tigger1 »

Hi all,

I was wondering if you'd be able to advise me please.
I feel like I'm falling in love which is suppose to be a nice and fluffy feeling, however I am falling In love with a straight woman. She's my friend and we've become very close in the last few months, I've been in and out of the country visiting some places in the US. Yet even when I'm away, I want to speak to her, be with her, I get this butterfly type feeling in my stomach just thinking about her. She's super hot with a fantastic personality.
I don't want to fall for her but I can't help it, I don't want it to ruin our friendship.
What do I do?

Thanks in advance for the advice :)
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Karyn
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Re: How do I sort out my feelings?

Unread post by Karyn »

Feelings aren't something you can just switch off or make disappear, but what you do have control over is what you do with those feelings: whether you act on them in some way or not. Just having feelings isn't going to ruin your friendship - because emotions aren't something other people know about unless you express them in some way - so if you don't want to pursue a romantic relationship with this person for whatever reason, then you just carry on maintaining your friendship as you have been.

That said, some folks find that if they develop romantic/sexual attraction to a friend, and don't want to act on those feelings, that it can feel awkward or uncomfortable to be around that person for a while. If that's the case for you, then it might be helpful to scale back the amount of time you're spending with her for a bit. Very often, if we don't do anything to act on feelings of attraction, those feelings just dissipate on their own after a while, so you might very well find that the same thing happens for you and you'll be back to engaging with this person as a friend only.
"Where there is power, there is resistance." -Michel Foucault
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Tigger1
not a newbie
Posts: 255
Joined: Sun Mar 27, 2016 12:27 pm
Age: 37
Awesomeness Quotient: I can sing
Primary language: English
Pronouns: She/her
Sexual identity: Not sure
Location: London

Re: How do I sort out my feelings?

Unread post by Tigger1 »

Hi,

Thank you for replying!

I haven't spent much time with her recently because of my travels but we message everyday and I speak to her on the phone once a week if I'm away, she tells me she loves me everyday but I think that's just the normal friendship love (from her side anyway) she tells me she misses me and she wishes I was with her and I say the same but mine always feels loaded with feelings. i don't want to act on those feelings because I really don't want to damage the relationship we have. It's lovely.
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Karyn
previous staff/volunteer
Posts: 1407
Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2014 3:00 pm
Age: 40
Awesomeness Quotient: I collect condoms.
Primary language: English
Pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity: queer
Location: Canada

Re: How do I sort out my feelings?

Unread post by Karyn »

Do you think it would be helpful to scale back the amount of contact you have with her for the time being?
"Where there is power, there is resistance." -Michel Foucault
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Tigger1
not a newbie
Posts: 255
Joined: Sun Mar 27, 2016 12:27 pm
Age: 37
Awesomeness Quotient: I can sing
Primary language: English
Pronouns: She/her
Sexual identity: Not sure
Location: London

Re: How do I sort out my feelings?

Unread post by Tigger1 »

I think I need to do something because I do not want these feelings to delelope any further, I think it will affect our relationship going forward, I go away again soon and she already knows that the time differences will make it difficult to communicate as well as that I just want to experience the surroundings. I have said I'll be in contact when I can but I'm only away for a couple of weeks. I know you can't help who you have feelings for but she's straight so I know deep down nothing will happen there, feeing this isn't a bad thing in some ways. It's just not the right feelings for the right person. If that makes sense.
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Karyn
previous staff/volunteer
Posts: 1407
Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2014 3:00 pm
Age: 40
Awesomeness Quotient: I collect condoms.
Primary language: English
Pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity: queer
Location: Canada

Re: How do I sort out my feelings?

Unread post by Karyn »

It sounds like taking a bit of time away could be useful. It helps that you'll be traveling, but did you want some help maybe talking to her about not being in contact as much even when you get back if you feel like you want some more time?
"Where there is power, there is resistance." -Michel Foucault
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Tigger1
not a newbie
Posts: 255
Joined: Sun Mar 27, 2016 12:27 pm
Age: 37
Awesomeness Quotient: I can sing
Primary language: English
Pronouns: She/her
Sexual identity: Not sure
Location: London

Re: How do I sort out my feelings?

Unread post by Tigger1 »

Yes please, I don't want to upset her but I know if I carry on with so much contact, these feelings aren't going to go away, I want our relationship to stay as it is, close friends. I don't want anything to go against that.
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Karyn
previous staff/volunteer
Posts: 1407
Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2014 3:00 pm
Age: 40
Awesomeness Quotient: I collect condoms.
Primary language: English
Pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity: queer
Location: Canada

Re: How do I sort out my feelings?

Unread post by Karyn »

Sure thing. So however you feel most comfortable communicating with her (email, phone call, whatever) you can say something along the lines of, "I'm dealing with some things in my life at the moment that mean I need a little bit of time to myself. I'm traveling over the next couple of weeks, and I'd like to have that time without contact with you, but if necessary, I might need to scale back the level of contact we have even when I get back." (Obviously worded in a way that feels natural to you and that you're comfortable with.)

If you would feel better also stating that this is unrelated to anything she's done/said, then you can add that in as well. Another possibility is to wait until after you're back from your trip, when you've had a bit more of a chance without contact to think about your feelings and what you'd like the next step to be. (Maybe you'd prefer to cut off all contact for a while, or just keep it to a set one or two messages a week...it's up to you.)
"Where there is power, there is resistance." -Michel Foucault
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Tigger1
not a newbie
Posts: 255
Joined: Sun Mar 27, 2016 12:27 pm
Age: 37
Awesomeness Quotient: I can sing
Primary language: English
Pronouns: She/her
Sexual identity: Not sure
Location: London

Re: How do I sort out my feelings?

Unread post by Tigger1 »

Hey,

Thanks for the reply :)

I would prefer to talk to her face to face, the suggestions you've made have helped me to have a way of talking to her where her feelings aren't hurt either.
I don't want to cut off all contact like completely right now, I just feel that limiting it would be best. I still want her around and in my life, I just need to work through those feelings I have for her without then becoming an issue. :)

Thanks
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