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Sad and wanting a child after a pregnancy scare

When you want support through something scary or rough, and help pulling yourself together and getting through, this is the place.
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AradiaGrace27
newbie
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Joined: Sun Jul 23, 2017 12:40 am
Age: 26
Awesomeness Quotient: I'm loyal to a fault. Does that count?
Primary language: English
Pronouns: She/her
Sexual identity: Bisexual
Location: USA, Virginia

Sad and wanting a child after a pregnancy scare

Unread post by AradiaGrace27 »

I don't know if this is the right place to post this but.....hi. I'm Kendall. I had a pregnancy scare a few months ago. My boyfriend and I were having sex and our condom broke. It was a scary feeling. I felt like it was all going to go wrong and my life would be over. But during the time i didnt know, my boyfriend and i started to discuss things. We both want kids eventually, but then was a terrible time. I was in college, he in high school. Neither of us had a job. We were two scared kids. But we talked through it and we decided that if I was we would keep the baby. Not because we're personally against abortion or anything, but because we wanted a kid. I started dreaming of our life and how hard and difficult and amazing it would be.

But I turned out not pregnant. I guess my real question is. How do I deal with this? Ever since then I've been having dreams about having a perfect baby boy and it makes me really sad. How do I deal with this grief? I know it doesn't measure up to some others, like miscarriage moms or women who can not have children, but I still feel like I'm missing something. I feel terrible. I just. I want a child. And I'm confused. How could I start this not wanting one and come out of it sad I don't have one. I haven't told my boyfriend all of this because he has a lot going on right now, but it hurts. Just. Sorry if this wasn't the place. I just really need advice.
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Sam W
previous staff/volunteer
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Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2014 9:06 am
Age: 33
Awesomeness Quotient: I raise carnivorous plants
Primary language: english
Pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity: queer
Location: Coast

Re: Sad and wanting a child after a pregnancy scare

Unread post by Sam W »

Hi AradiaGrace,

It sounds like you're going through a lot of tough emotions right now, and like you built up a lot of feelings about why having a kid would be a good and wanted thing only to find out that those feelings were all for naught (at least for now). That can feel really disorienting. You mention being in college. Does your school have a student health center that offers counseling? It sounds like you might benefit from having a safe place to process all these feelings.

A few other thoughts that might help: it's important to let yourself feel the grief you're feeling, but also to remind yourself of all the reasons why you aren't in the best position to care for a child (the ones you initially thought of when you had the scare). You're chance to have a child hasn't disappeared, it's simply been postponed until you're different stage in your life. Does that make sense?
And you to whom adversity has dealt the final blow/with smiling bastards lying to you everywhere you go/turn to and put out all your strength of arm and heart and brain/and like the Mary Ellen Carter rise again.
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