I am jealous of one of my best friends

[curly]

I am going to try to explain this as best as I can

So I have a best friend named Kayla and for some reason I am very jealous of her. I do not want to be, and I try not to be but I cannot help it. First, this girl is gorgeous. She always looks great, no matter what she wears. I tried getting to know her secrets but I soon found out that a lot of that beauty is natural and that there is nothing I can do. Every time I am with her, I cant help but compare myself to her and think about how ugly I am. This leads me to the next point..which probably seems obvious. She gets all the guys. All our guy friends like her and I just wish some of them liked me too. She is so confident, and funny. I wish I was like that too. I feel like the only reason I get to hang out with these people is because I am friends with her. I wish people liked me just like they like her.

And now to the heavier stuff.. she is so happy. Everything goes well for her (and my other best friend too).Their lives seem to be so easy while mine is so hard.
They both have boyfriends. go out everynight and constantly have fun, have so many friends, everyone loves them etc...
While I have a lot of problems I have to deal with, and I just don't get to be as happy.

I know that it might be very hard to help me out with the second part...but can anyone help me out with the first?? Why am I so insecure when it comes to her?? How can I stop being so jealous??

Thank you!

[Siân]

Hey curly,

I remember feeling the way you describe not so long ago. I cared a lot for my best friend but was always a little envious of how easily she seemed to chat to cute guys, and the response she got. It sucked. I get it.

Unfortunately we can't magically decide to stop feeling something, but we can change the way we feel about a feeling. Rather than 'oh I'm being jealous again I'm a horrible person' we can think 'oh look, a jealous thought, I'm not gonna beat myself up about it but I'm not gonna let it control me either'. What do you think ?

It sounds like a lot of your jealousy is coming from the way you feel about yourself. We grow up being told we should look a certain way and if we don't were not worth as much, and it's hard when we are chasing something so impossible. But you know what? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It's a cliche because it's true. Much more important than how we compare to magazine models and best friends is how people feel when they talk to us. You say you wish you were confident, but I know you can be. How about taking part in things you enjoy where you might meet more people and feel less reliant on your friend? Or writing a list of things you like about yourself and every day reread it and try to add something new. Do you think that's something you can try?

For me, there was no sudden makeover or miracle 'talking to boy's' pill, the biggest change between feeling how you feel now, and having lost the jealousy and had successful relationships was that I learnt to like myself. It doesn't happen over night but it's huge! I also learnt that the friends I was comparing myself to felt exactly the same way as me, no matter how happy they seemed in the surface, they were hiding it too.

[Sam W]

Hi Curly,

In addition to Kat's great advice, I want to give you this article: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/relat ... ed_monster . It deals with jealousy (mostly around romantic partners, but a lot of the advice applies to other parts of life), and goes over some ways you can manage that emotion. I also sounds like you might benefit from reading some information on body positivity. It's not a magic cure, but the ideas within the body positive framework can help you learn to like, or at least live with, the way you look. Would that be something you're interested in?