Step dad??
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This area of the boards is expressly for support and help for those who are currently in or have survived abuse or assault. It is also for those seeking information or discussion about abuse or assault. Please make every effort in this space to be supportive and sensitive. Posts in this area may or do describe abuse or assault explicitly.
This area of the boards is also not an area where those who are themselves abusing anyone or who have abused or assaulted someone may post about doing that or seek support. We are not qualified to provide that kind of help, and that also would make a space like this feel profoundly unsafe for those who are being or who have been abused. If you have both been abused and are abusing, we can only discuss harm done to you: we cannot discuss you yourself doing harm to others. If you are someone engaging in abuse who would like help, you can start by seeking out a mental healthcare provider.
This area of the boards is expressly for support and help for those who are currently in or have survived abuse or assault. It is also for those seeking information or discussion about abuse or assault. Please make every effort in this space to be supportive and sensitive. Posts in this area may or do describe abuse or assault explicitly.
This area of the boards is also not an area where those who are themselves abusing anyone or who have abused or assaulted someone may post about doing that or seek support. We are not qualified to provide that kind of help, and that also would make a space like this feel profoundly unsafe for those who are being or who have been abused. If you have both been abused and are abusing, we can only discuss harm done to you: we cannot discuss you yourself doing harm to others. If you are someone engaging in abuse who would like help, you can start by seeking out a mental healthcare provider.
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_boople_snoot_
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Step dad??
So, I have gotten along really well with my step dad, and we got really close on a 1-week vacation to the keys. I got comfortable enough to hug and hang on him and we went to the pool after hours with my step sister. I wrapped my legs around his back like I do with my bio parents. He was all touchy-feely with my knees and below and I didn't think much of it. Then he started touching up and down my thighs. I was a bit skeptical but I trusted him. Then he was touching my inner thigh, really close to my vagina (I'm trans btw). He was putting my feet on his penis and was pushing them onto him. When he started to work his hands up to my vagina, I got off. I told my mom later that night. And she and I had a talk with my step dad and he said he didn't realize he was making me uncomfortable and didn't think anything he was doing was inappropriate. He said he's just a "touchy feely" person. I don't know if I believe that to be honest, I don't feel safe around him anymore. Am I over reacting or was he actually going down that road? I'm really confused and kinda scared. Can I get a second opinion?
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Iwanthelp
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Re: Step dad??
Yeah it does read as sexual abuse to be honest. Its' not uncommon for abusers to try and start off with borderline stuff and escalate like that. (Touching your knees and then heading to your thighs like he did - its' not uncommon for them to use normal physical contact like a piggyback ride as a smokescreen to try and disguise themselves escalating into doing harm) The pushing your feet on his penis just...isn't even borderline to be honest, I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm not sure if your mum bought his (false)version of events or not but I hope you have an adult that would stick up for you.
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Mo
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Re: Step dad??
This is definitely not you overreacting! As Iwanthelp said, this sounds like a pretty typical escalation tactic; starting out with a "normal" or acceptable level of contact and slowly stepping things up to see where or if you would object or set a limit.
Even if this was entirely accidental in his part (which seems VERY unlikely), it would be upsetting to have an adult say he didn't understand that this sort of touch, so close to your genitals (and his!) would be inappropriate or upsetting to you. This sort of touch really isn't ambiguous; an adult should be aware of their body enough to not be "accidentally" touching a young person in this way.
Do you feel like you could talk to your mom again about this and let her know that his explanation didn't make you feel any more secure? If you said you didn't want to be alone with him anymore (or around him at all, if that's what you want), do you think she'd be willing to listen and back you up on this?
Even if this was entirely accidental in his part (which seems VERY unlikely), it would be upsetting to have an adult say he didn't understand that this sort of touch, so close to your genitals (and his!) would be inappropriate or upsetting to you. This sort of touch really isn't ambiguous; an adult should be aware of their body enough to not be "accidentally" touching a young person in this way.
Do you feel like you could talk to your mom again about this and let her know that his explanation didn't make you feel any more secure? If you said you didn't want to be alone with him anymore (or around him at all, if that's what you want), do you think she'd be willing to listen and back you up on this?
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_boople_snoot_
- not a newbie
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Re: Step dad??
I don't think my mom would do anything or even believe me. She is really in love with my step dad and I don't want to ruin their relationship. I don't want to ruin this family like that. And he hasn't touched me since (because now he knows I'll tell my mom?) so I guess it's over with. I do hold resentment towards him because of it. I haven't been near him since the incident though.
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Iwanthelp
- not a newbie
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- Sexual identity: bisexual. turns out biromantic as well so yay
- Location: Scotland
Re: Step dad??
Don't want to be alarmist on you but living with someone that tried to sexually abuse you (and, well, did) isn't really a sustainable situation. He's not tried anything yet but he knows what he can get away with in terms of having his behaviour handwaved by the other adult in the situation.
If their relationship gets ruined that's because of what he's done and not on you at all. Some relationships ultimately aren't healthy and need to be broken off. You wouldn't be 'ruining the family', that's 100% on him for creating an unsustainable situation.
If their relationship gets ruined that's because of what he's done and not on you at all. Some relationships ultimately aren't healthy and need to be broken off. You wouldn't be 'ruining the family', that's 100% on him for creating an unsustainable situation.
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Heather
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Re: Step dad??
I want to strongly cosign the last bit Iwanthelp said up there: when abuse ruins a family and harms people in it, it's because someone chose to abuse (or to try to abuse) in that family, not because of who they choose to abuse or what that person does to try and get safe from them.
You taking steps to secure your own safety is the healthiest thing you could do for yourself and your family, not an action that's about ruining anything.
You taking steps to secure your own safety is the healthiest thing you could do for yourself and your family, not an action that's about ruining anything.
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