Did my boyfriend sexually assault me or am I just triggered?

[dogscats123]

Okay so I don't know if I'm overreacting right now and I hope I'm not wasting your time but something happened with my boyfriend two days ago and I don't know if I'm just triggered (I have been assaulted more than once in the past) or if he actually crossed a line (sorry this might be kinda graphic). Basically I had him up to my cottage for the weekend (we slept in separate beds) with my parents and then my parents went for a walk and so we started making out on the couch. He started putting his hands on my boobs and I didn't have a problem with that but then he started kissing my neck and chest which he knows I find triggering. I was wearing a bikini so he moved the cup and started sucking on my breasts. I didn't say no or yes because I didn't want to hurt him because he was my boyfriend, but I was kicking and shaking the whole time. When he got bored he stopped. Then later we went to the lake and we ended up lying on the blanket. We started making out again and he rolled on top of me. Then he did it again. This time I was crying and shaking and making sounds. He looked at me and said "it's me" and then kept going. After he was done I was freaking out but he told me not to cry. A little bit later he tried again and I just let him because I was tired of fighting but now I think it's my fault. The next morning my family could see something was wrong but I acted like it wasn't fine. I feel the way I did after my first assault- jittery, empty, shaky, scared, etc. I don't know if I'm overreacting or not. Is what he did wrong or is it my fault?

[Heather]

Know that we're here for people to have a place they feel comfortable talking about loaded things like this, so no matter what, you don't have to worry about wasting time by posting. This is for you.

It sounds to me like your trauma was, indeed cued (what some people call "triggered") and ALSO that your boyfriend did sexual things to you without asking for your permission,and did things in a way it sounds like he knows is problematic for you, and perhaps even knows shut you down so you struggle to speak up and just let him do what we wants because you're shut down. I'm so sorry this happened for you.

Where would you like to take talking about this from here? I do personally have some concerns about your state of mind and your emotional safety with this person, but I want to let you call the shots with what we talk about around this and how first if you want.

[dogscats123]

It's confusing because the day after when i was around him i think i felt mostly okay and i was able to act like nothing was wrong but now that i'm away from him whenever i think about him or call him i feel totally numb. He wants me to hang out with him today and i thought i could do it but now i'm not sure if i can and i don't know how to deal with this emotionally and in terms of our relationship. my parents really like him and think i overreact to things like this because of my past assaults so i don't think they would believe me if i told them.

[Heather]

I get that it feels confusing (boy, do I), but being able to emotionally dissociate like that isn't at all unusual. In fact, it's super-common amoung abuse survivors. If abuse has been normalized for you, it also isn't weird that you can, basically, kind of shift into an autopilot and "act" like it's normal. Know what I mean?

Personally, I would strongly advise against hanging out with him, especially today when you are feeling like this, for a few different reasons. For one, it's not healthy to try and force ourselves to be with people who have traumatized us in any way and who have been unsafe for us. But too, this person's behaviour really sounded very predatory to me, and I don't want you to choose to be with someone unsafe.

I'm so sorry to hear you feel like your parents won't believe you. Have they been supportive around your previous abuse? Doesn't sound like they have been -- like saying you "overreact" because of abuse -- but I don't want to jump to conclusions.

Regardless, do you have to involve your parents in not hanging out with him today? In other words, can't you just say no to him on your own without them involved in any way?

[dogscats123]

i probably don't need to involve them at all- it wouldn't make sense to upon thinking about it a little harder. i am trying to say no to hanging out with him today but he is getting very offended and i don't know how to hold him off.

[Heather]

Do you want me to open up our live chat -- which we can always do for situations like this? I can.

But for now, let's get him outta the picture so you can take care of YOU. How are you communicating with him, text? If so, can you just text something like, "I am not going to hang out with you today," and then not answer any more texts or calls from him?

[dogscats123]

okay i will text him now. thank you for the help.

[Heather]

Of course. I'm here keeping an eye for another four hours-ish, so just just let me know how and if you want to talk more today as you like.

[dogscats123]

i think i feel more in control now. thank you.

[Heather]

Of course. Just give a shout if you want to talk more.

Is it okay with you if I just leave my suggestions and concerns for now, just so I can responsibly do my job when it comes to your safety and what I have the capacity to do around it?

[dogscats123]

yes. thank you.

[Mo]

Hi dogscats123, I wanted to check in and see how things are going for you. Have you been able to take some time & space apart from your boyfriend?

[dogscats123]

i've been doing a bit better. i've been focusing on myself and my wellbeing thanks.

[Heather]

Are you currently safe from him, in that he isn't around you alone at all? Has he backed off with contacting you since?

[dogscats123]

We are still in contact and have seen each other since, but he apologized to me. I'm also going away for an extended period of time soon, so I will have some space away from him.

[Redskies]

Hi dogscats123,

I'm glad you'll be able to have some space from him, because like Heather above, I think his behaviour to you was wrong and unsafe. Until you go away, do you feel able to take space from him? Honestly, we'd ideally suggest not seeing him at all; if that doesn't seem possible or isn't something you want, then I'd strongly recommend not being alone with him. Is that something you would want and could do? If so, would you like any help with that?

Him apologising to you means that he recognises he did something wrong. I'm still concerned that he could behave unsafely to you again, though, because what you described in your first post isn't something that a partner could be unaware of at the time. I'm sorry if we're over-repeating thoughts about your safety; it's just that this guy was unsafe for you before, and our very first priority is your being able to stay as safe as you can now.

I know that this is a hard and confusing situation for you. I'm so sorry you're in this position - it's very unfair on you that you're needing to think about your safety in this way at all. This guy shouldn't have behaved as he did to you in the first place: this situation is because of him, not you.

Do you want to talk about the meeting and contact with him? You don't have to, I'm just checking in to see if you do

We're here for you to talk to and offer whatever support we can. Extra to talking about your immediate and near-future safety, how else can we best support you at the moment? Anything you'd like from us, or anything you'd like to talk about?

[dogscats123]

Well this is kind of embarrassing for me but I hung out with him a few days ago and we were watching a movie on my couch and he knew I wasn't in the mood to fool around but I guess I fell asleep and then I woke up and I could feel his hand on my breast so I went to move it but then I realized it was under my bra and he did it again after that and it's hard because I know I shouldn't be around him but I don't know how to stop.

[Redskies]

I'm really sorry to hear that he did that, dogscats. He shouldn't have done that. No matter who we are, whether we've previously experienced assault or not, a person shouldn't start being sexual on us while we're asleep, and shouldn't just continue being sexual to us if we're crying or shaking.

I understand feeling embarrassed, but please know you have nothing to be embarrassed about. It's naturally a hard situation when someone close to us, who in an ideal world should behave safely and caringly towards us, in reality doesn't behave safely or caringly. It's okay if you're finding it hard to get your head around or hard to do what you want or need to do.

You said "I know I shouldn't be around him but I don't know how to stop" - could you tell us a bit more about that? What things are making it hard for you to stop being around him? Up-thread, you said that when you were trying to say no to hanging out with him, he was getting very offended and you didn't know how to hold him off. To me, that sounds like one of the things making it hard is him himself, that he's being pushy about seeing you and contacting you. Do I have that right?

Is there anyone else in your life who you think might believe and support you around this? (We're still right here for you! I'm just wanting to get a handle on what additional supports might be available for you as well.)

[dogscats123]

Yes I would agree that he is the main reason I feel pressured to be in contact with him. If I ever say I'm busy or I can't, he gets upset and says it's not fair. I feel really embarrassed because I know I should stop seeing him but I don't want to hurt his feelings. In terms of people I can talk to, I told my two best friends, who believed me. I am worried about telling my parents because they really like my boyfriend and I don't know if they'll believe me or not.

[Sam W]

Hi dogscats,

It can be really hard to set or hold a boundary when someone who we had (or maybe still have) some positive feelings for is pushing on it and trying to guilt trip us. The conflicted feelings you have about trying to set that boundary but also not wanting to hurt him are very common, so try to be as forgiving as you can to yourself for having them.

Something that may help you in holding your boundary around not contacting him is to think of it this way: you are actually being quite fair in this situation. He's violated your boundaries multiple times, and a natural consequence of repeated boundary violation is that the person on the receiving end of those actions will no longer want to see you. If he didn't want you stop contacting him or stop seeing him, then he shouldn't have repeatedly hurt you. Does that make sense?

Do you feel like the friends that you've told would help you in cutting contact with him? And with your parents, would you like to work up to telling them about what's going on? We could help you brainstorm ideas for how to do that.

[Redskies]

Just wondering how you're doing, dogscats. How are things going?