A guy.

[Spiderman23]

Hi,

So I'm friends with a guy and we've been talking nonstop over social media for months, when we see each other in person we go really shy. I can't stop thinking about him and always want to be with him so I guess that proves that I like him but I'm getting paranoid because there doesn't seem to be as much flirting from him and it just doesn't seem to be going anywhere. I'm scared as well because if I was to start dating him, we are in the same friendship group and I just think what if it divides the group or doesn't even work out please help settle my mind! It feels like it's on overdrive which doesn't help with my anxiety.

[Heather]

I think it's fair to say that when people date, they more often wind up dating from within their immediate communities than from outside them. It can be awkward and uncomfortable sometimes when dating relationships within a community start or end, but most communities and groups work those things out just fine. I'd not let the face that you're in the same group of friends keep you from pursuing a non-platonic relationship if that's something you both want.

Sounds like the bigger barrier to this so far is getting things started between the two of you, and before that, making sure that is something he wants. How do you feel about putting this out there to him and finding out how he feels and what he wants?

[Spiderman23]

I feel very nervous putting it out there and asking him, we are both shy anyway but when I was talking to my friend about it she said I might have to make the first move as he's very shy. I'm just scared of making the first step because I have such little experience with relationships and I'm scared of not being good enough. The only way I see him is with the other people in the group and a lot of the time I only go out to see him, I just constantly want to be with him and he's always on my mind.

[Spiderman23]

Also I meant to say in the past he has said over message before he leaves to go somewhere, 'love you' and I obviously responded but last night I said it to him taking charge and all. He replied back with 'love ya bud' :/ him saying that makes me think I've been friend zoned but he said a couple weeks ago that me and him talking is the longest graft he's done. I'm just very confused.

[Sam W]

It can definitely be nerve-wracking to ask someone out or ask them if they like you back. But, it's also the best way to find out if someone likes you the way you like them. Even if you're fairly new to relationships, it's okay to ask someone out who you're interested in. Relationships take trial and error, even for people who've dated a lot, but that trial and error is the trade off for getting to know someone better. How would you feel about telling him what you've told us about the way he makes you feel and how you'd like to try being in a relationship with him?

[Spiderman23]

It honestly makes me very nervous! In all honesty it's getting me a bit down because like I said earlier there doesn't seem to be as much flirting and I'm paranoid I've done something wrong. But we are still talking nonstop so I really don't know :/ I'm also paranoid because we've been talking for so long, I think what if he's had enough as it's not going anywhere?

[Spiderman23]

Also he's out with his mates a lot and I feel as though we can't have alone time without the other guys knowing. There doesn't seem to be a right time other than texting him but I don't know if it's the right thing to do over message?

[Sam W]

Maybe it could help to think of it this way: since you two have been talking for so long and you feel like there's this maybe we're flirting/maybe we're not dynamic, you're helping both you and him clarify what you want from your relationship with each other, which is a positive thing to do (even if it turns out you don't want the same thing).

Would telling him this via text be more comfortable for you and help you get over just enough of the nervousness so that you can reveal how you feel? While telling people things in person can help you by letting you hear their tone and see their body language, if telling him via text is what gets you to a place where you're able to tell him, then that seems like the option you should go with.

[Spiderman23]

Hi! I'm back!

So I bit the bullet and asked him if he likes me over message. I tried to get my friend to get an answer from him but it didn't work haha. He told me 'Not sure how to reply because I don't know the answer' so I was put out as you can imagine so I told him basically that it's ok when I was hurting. He then went on to say 'don't take that as a rejection, I just don't know where my heads at' so I guess I have to wait now. I'm still a bit put out by it but I feel a bit better straight out asking him. Although now he'll put two and two together and knows I like him. I thought it'd be awkward but we've been talking all day today so I guess that's a positive?

[Sam W]

It's awesome that you put your feelings out there! I'm sorry it didn't have the result you were hoping for, but at least you've removed some of the ambiguity from the situation. If you feel like you need it, some self-care might be helpful right about now: Self-Care a La Carte

Something else I'd suggest is to not get too invested in the idea that he'll eventually decide he likes you romantically. It's always possible, but his lukewarm response would certainly make me cautious about the chances of getting together. That's not a fun idea to consider, but it's an outcome to prepare yourself for. Too, it can help to not think about things in terms of the "friend zone." Friendships are not lesser than romantic relationships, nor are they a consolation prize when someone doesn't want to date you. Until you told him your feelings, your friend likely assumed you two were exactly that: friends. So some of what he may processing right now is the fact that you're interested in him romantically.