Sex Dry Spells

[bigbywolf]

Hello <3

I said in my previous set of posts that I would move my discussion about sex anxieties over here.

Basically, my brain is currently operating on two modes, and I am trying really hard to make the rational mode the loudest, but I would love some more evidence for my rational brain and for my panic brain to shut up.

My rational brain:
Sex isn't the be-all and end all. You don't think about sex that much throughout your day when your anxiety isn't focusing on it. You can masturbate. You are valid without sex. Fuck it, just cus you aren't getting any doesn't mean you aren't desirable! You don't want children, so you already know your trying to bully yourself with 'but this is what im biologically supposed to do and not doing it means i wont be ok' is nonsense. We're way past needing to do the do. You can have as much fun without sex, in different ways.

Panic brain:
This is a race between you and your ex and whoever gets laid again first has won. Sex is meant to be the only thing you really want. If you aren't having sex, people are thinking you're a loser. You will get sick without sex, you will get depressed without sex. You will not be able to stop resenting happy couples because you know they're having sex and you aren't.

Like, I can read that and know it's ridiculous. But anxiety is ridiculous. It's irrational. I've been listening to ted talks that basically say if you're single, don't sweat it, but I know that scarleteen also has really good articles about this. I feel really yucky that my brain has this dual thinking, because my best friend is ace and she is so much more than the sum of her sexual experiences or lack thereof, and i worry i will subconsciously project all this BS onto her.

[Sam W]

Hi bigbywolf,

I have a few different suggestions you could try. One is something Jacob mentioned in your previous thread, the idea of auditing the media you're consuming (or even being exposed to frequently) to see if there are any sources that might be feeding the panic brain. Relatedly, do you have any techniques you use when the panic brain flares up about non-sexual subjects? Because if you do, it's definitely worth trying those same techniques when it starts fussing about your sex life. With your friend who's ace, it sounds like you're really aware of how unkind the ideas of the panic brain are towards her, which means you can easily dismiss them if they try to creep in to your interactions with her.

Another thing to try is to take this time to really get back in touch with yourself sexually. You mentioned masturbation, and that's obviously a big way to do what I'm suggesting. But it could also be things like reading some new erotica (or fanfiction, whatever floats your boat) or taking time to do things that make you feel sexy.