Did my boyfriend rape me?

[MarloGirl765]

I'm really just trying to figure out whats going on and what happened. Basically to give context i was sexually abused by my father as a kid and have alot of lost memories/gaps in my mind. My memory is very patchy and i often forget bad things that happen to me almost straight away/ within days, (like if i go clubbing- I'm 19) and i am touched inappropriately by a guy, i find it very distressing at the time, but after a few days i forget it even happened and cannot mentally recall it even when someone tells me it happened.) I only realized that i am like this after beginning a course of holistic therapy that has opened my eyes to this memory loss. Since this therapy began i have started to remember patches of my childhood and memories. A few days ago i remembered something that happened with my now ex boyfriend, I know that it happened and i know that it was wrong but i just need a second opinion.
I had been with him for about 7 months at this point and i had thought it was all going okay but at the 6 month start he started to lose interest in me. I thought i loved him so obviously this was very painful and all i wanted was to make it work. I kept putting in 100% effort, going over and seeing him, staying over etc to try and make him want to be with me again. Anyway, on fire work night his older brother put on a small family party and my boyfriend invited me to go with him and his family. Even though i get quite bad social anxiety i went because i wanted to make him happy. We went and he ignored me for the entire night, he went on his phone texting, he moved away from me when i was near him, he wouldn't even talk to me when we were in the same place, basically ignoring me if i spoke to him. This was humiliating because the 'party' was in a very small house so we were in a roomful of people all stood in one big circle. This meant they all saw his disinterest in me. His family were nice and spoke to me to try and include me but i was on the brink of tears the whole night at my boyfriend treating me as though i was invisible in front of all of his family. Later that night, after more silence, we got back to his house and as i was staying we got ready to sleep. He didnt say anything to me the whole time except at one point telling me that "your cheekbones looked really good tonight", i replied "thanks, so did yours" and he looked at me for a second before ignoring me again and lying down to sleep. I stopped talking and just turned out the light and got into bed. In the pitch black he suddenly turned towards me, put his mouth on mine in one deep kiss and rolled on top of me. I was so surprised he actually wanted me that i just let him kiss me but as soon as he rolled on top he inserted himself in me and started to fuck me. I remember that i did not move, i did not breath, i did not say anything i just lay there and took it. I was on the pill so i thought it was okay to be unprotected (i was less informed then) but I was so confused at how he could not seem to stand my presence for so long and then suddenly be fucking me. I felt so empty and worthless and i forgot i could even say anything. All i wanted to say is why are you doing this why have you done this to me but instead i just lay there in silence. I wanted him to stop but somehow this was better than being totally ignored for the rest of the night. It didn't take long until it was over and he rolled off, turned away from me and went to sleep. I didn't realize until the next day that he had just used me for sex, he hadn't even spoken to me before, he didn't even give me chance to say i didn't want it. The feeling of emotional pain and rejection that i felt afterwards was unreal, i felt like the entire world was crumbling around me i was so hurt by him. I dont know if it counts as rape because i didn't say no i didn't fight, but i just need to hear a second opinion. I could do with some advice as i am really struggling. He was my first everything and i was naive, when i lost my virginity he penetrated me without my consent, he stopped and took it out and apologized, but he just put it in "accidentally" when we were making out. I let that go and never though twice about it until a few days ago when i remembered the incident on fire work night. He also proceeded to use me to sex after we broke up a few weeks after that fire work night incident, stringing me along until i was strong enough to cut ties completely. This was all a year and a half ago, but i am struggling with it and i dont know what to think about what happened that night?

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards, MarloGirl765. I'm sorry this is why you're here, but I'm very glad you've found us.

You know, when someone asks the question you're asking with the title of their post, they usually already know the answer and know that it's "yes." It sounds like that's absolutely true for you.

Looking at the whole of what you have posted, you are absolutely reporting what is generally classified as sexual assault by the most basic definition: someone had sex with you without your express permission. Not saying no doesn't change that, either: you weren't even asked the question. Same goes with how you reacted: freezing up, being shocked and unsure what to do, trying to figure out if what is happening is sex or not, rape is not...all of these things are very common for people experiencing assault or coercion.

I'm so glad that you got yourself away from this person, and that you have what sounds like some good help and support now, both with this and with your other abusive history.

How can we best help and support you from here?