how to tell a partner a hard thing

[tiredbookworm]

Sorry this is so graphic, but I don't know if I can tell it effectively otherwise. I'm 21, and I've never had sex, but I might soon. How do I tell my potential partner about a genital deformity (vascular deformity, in the shape of a big blueish cyst, on my outer labia)? And yes, I know there's a broad range of normal, but I've been to doctors about this and it's definitely not normal.

He already knows I have serious health problems, so it probably won't be a complete shock, but I'm just really scared that he'll be turned off or freaked out. Plus I already have to tell him about past sexual abuse, and I'm afraid he'll be overloaded with scary information and decide it's too much. Help?

[Johanna]

Welcome to Scarleteen, tiredbookworm!

I'm sorry to hear about your history of sexual abuse, but glad to hear tha you have a partner who you trust and feel safe with! That is awesome. These are indeed tough conversations to have, but a partner who earnestly cares about and respects you will continue to do so. And someone who's turned off or freaked out? Is probably not a good partner for you (or anyone). So as much as that would suck, you'd have dodged a bullet.

Between these two topics - sexual abuse and the vascular deformity - I certainly think that the history of abuse is the thing to have a conversation about beforehand, especially if you have any triggers that you want him to be aware of, or if there is anything that you are uncomfortable with and want to avoid. (And if you want any tips about that conversation, please let us know and we'll be happy to help!).

As far as telling him about the cyst on your labia, I think that's something you can leave until he notices, or when you're just about to take off clothes. As I was telling another user just a couple of days ago, who was asking about telling a partner that she has a big surgical scar: our bodies are not fresh from the factory. We live in them every day, and they show the signs of that. Our bodies show the histories of childhood injuries, surgeries and medical problems that we've had, and that is true for just about everyone in one way or another. And since it's so common, it also really shouldn't be scary or a turn-off- This is a reality for just about anyone with a body.

I do hope these conversations go well! If you would like some general starting points for having talks about intimate things with a partner, we have an article here that might be helpful for you: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner