My daughter is 14

[Pam35]

I hope it's ok for moms to post on here, if not I'm sorry. My daughter is 14 and has been with her 15 yr old bf for a year now and they are sexually active. I'm pretty open minded and accept the fact that they are having sex although I would have preferred she was older. She's currently on the nuva ring and they also use spermicide so I don't worry too much about the risk of pregnancy. The question is at what point should I allow her bf to start spending the night? She keeps bringing up the subject and I don't know why but I'm still a little uncomfortable with him sleeping over although from a practical standpoint there isn't much difference between going in her room after school or him spending the night. The fact that she's 14 I think makes me hesitant. So is there a right age to allow this or should I just get used to the idea and allow it? Btw, I have had my bf's overnight before so I'm probably a little bit of a hypocrite.

[Heather]

It's fine! We're always so glad to see parents doing what they can to parent actively around sex and sexuality, and glad to support you as we can!

You know, I personally think this is something probably best to talk about with her. I would talk about what your thoughts and feelings are, ask for hers, listen to each other, then see how you feel coming away from that. I don't know what makes it feel like allowing sexual activity is generally okay, but sleeping over (or sex while sleeping over?) isn't, but I bet you know your own feelings about that well enough to articulate them.

Maybe in the end you'll come out with you feeling like you just aren't comfortable with it, and so are not going to allow it yet, with the given to her you'll revisit the idea again in a while. Or maybe you'll find out you feel fine about him sleeping over, who knows. But I think having a conversation to try and negotiate or compromise -- or even if not, to at least let everyone be heard first -- is a better way than just making a decision without involving her.

Know what I mean? I can say more about why I think that, if you like, but do you get the general gist of what I'm after?

[Pam35]

Thanks Heather, I do get your gist and my daughter and I have had alot of discussions about sex in the past and we've talked about him sleeping over. In all honesty I accept the sex part and do allow them their privacy when he's here but it's probably more of a societal hangup about him sleeping over at her age. It would be easier for me to accept if she was 16 but I think maybe I'm worried about what other people would think if they knew. Last night when we talked I told her it was not about her it was just more of my issue that I need to figure out how to deal with.

[Heather]

That sounds great.

So, since that's where you are with it, do you want to talk about your thoughts and feelings with me, to try and run them through for yourself, so you can et more of your own clarity? I'm happy to listen and give feedback if you like.

[Pam35]

Thanks Heather, well I think it has to be with when I was young I was raised in a strict environment. I began having sex at 13 and had to sneak around until I was married. I never would have even considered having a bf sleep over or even in my room. It was always a sin according to my mom and what would the neighbors think type of thing. I'm much more understanding and open than my mom was but still worry about what my family or friends or neighbors think if that makes sense.

[Heather]

I wonder: do you have any sense of why you feel this way about sleepovers, but not about sex? Is it because you think neighbors can't find out about that, but can about sleepovers?

[Heather]

(Also, one assumes your mother thought sex was the sin, not sleeping in the same bed as someone else, right? Or both?)

[Pam35]

Heather, yes I think that it's easier to keep it a private issue about my daughter and her bf when they are just here during the day or evenings. Much different if someone would see him here in the morning. And yes my mother thought premarital sex was a sin, I never had the nerve to ask her about sleepovers.

[Heather]

Okay, so here is one thing I hear you saying very clearly then: you are concerned about privacy when it comes to her having sex, and feel that sleeping over would basically make clear she's having sex (even if she doesn't do that during sleepovers).

That strikes me as a valid concern, and a fair assessment of what people do tend to assume. I do think you probably want to separate the parts of that that are valid -- like probably wanting to protect your daughter against harassment if people think she's having sex, or from you two getting enough crap from people that you can't give her the freedom you do already want to -- to the parts that maybe aren't very fair or about her, like what your neighbors might think about you as a parent.

have you and your daughter talked about this together from that angle yet? If not, what do you think about having this next conversation?

[Pam35]

Thank you Heather, yes we've had several talks about this and she knows why I'm concerned about the sleepovers and that its basically about what others would think if they found out I let him sleepover. And like I said before I'm fine with giving them their privacy when he's here after school. So it's just something I need to get fixed in my own head. She has suggested we try it for a night or two and see if it's something I can get used to.