help :(

[xmetalgirl]

It's been a long time. How's everyone?!

Need some help my boyfriend broke up with me because of an arguement we had. He said he doesn't want any girlfriend right now in his life because of drama and crap he went through with other girls. It was a stupid arguement we had and I hurt him. I apologized so much and i felt sooo bad for what I did and he has forgave me. We agreed to be friends with benefits and we have been hanging out. He hugs me, holds my hand, took me out to dinner, we do things other then just sex, told me he still likes me and has some feelings still for me. I accidently said "I love you to him" and he said it's okay (and well i accidently said that because I still do love him). I was just a bit embarassed to say it. And I respect and don't want to pressure him into anything because of how he feels about relationships. I also never like to pressure anyone into anything. But I'm just so very scared of losing him, I love him very much :'( what should I do? Do I continue being patient? Do I tell him feelings or will it scare him away? I also don't want to be loving a guy and he isn't loving me back. I cook for him all the time, we buy each other things. Idk, this is just bleh.

[Jacob]

Hi xmetalgirl!

I'm good! It's nice to see you. I'm sorry you're feeling so 'bleh'. This experience sounds like it's been painful. I hope we can work some of it out.

There are lots of layers of this for me so bear with me! Sorry if this is long!

So firstly, I'm hearing you apologising a lot! - implying that things are your fault, and it sounds like there's a lot hanging over you. I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with arguing, sometimes it's just vocalising how we are feeling. We can resolve some of what we disagreed about and even make mistakes and move on. With you guys it seems like that hasn't happened. It would also be ok to end a relationship because of these stresses or associated hurt, but that hasn't fully happened either.

Another concerning thing is that he has framed your relationship status as being a result of "crap he went through with other girls". However, you're not responsible for his previous partners, and you really don't need to feel any of the weight there, and certainly don't need to apologise for it.

You are saying you two finished a relationship of sorts, and have transitioned to something very similar but where you don't vocalise 'love' to each-other because he doesn't feel comfortable with that, you'd like to return to doing that and to call it a relationship again, but you fear this will scare him a way.

Now with that part, I suppose it's a risk! The same way it's a risk when we ask out a new person, or want to negotiate something new in an existing relationship. An unwanted outcome doesn't have to be a bad thing, and in a healthy environment it should be ok to feel hurt every now and then.

The deeper issues here appear to be a problem, though. Your relationship doesn't seem to have changed dramatically since the breaking-up, but it does sound a lot like you are more isolated and less of an equal partner.

I'm wondering how strongly you feel you want to be in a relationship with him, if nothing changes?

The situation he seems to be offering you is the one you are in now, and yet it doesn't sound like it's making you happy at all.

So maybe lets put you in the center. You don't need continuous forgiving. You deserve to feel ok and grow and learn from relationships, however works for you!

[xmetalgirl]

He broke up with me because he was hurt from the arguement we had. I apologized and he forgave. I dont care about his past i just dont know what the hell this is now. we agreed to be friends with benefits
But he says he still has some feelings for me/cares/likes me...but says we're single and not together.
We go on dates, we sometimes kiss, we have sex, we still hang out and do things.
I just don't want to wait around for nothing or be used.

[xmetalgirl]

Sorry I said that before actually lol
I don't care about all his other crap. I only care about now and why the hell is he doing this to me
Like is he afraid of commitment now all because of a stupid arguement?

[Mo]

He's really the only one who can answer these questions. It sounds like you're doing a lot of things you were doing when you were dating, so it stands to reason that you might be confused about what he wants or how he sees your relationship right now. I think asking him what specifically he is looking for right now is going to be helpful. If he doesn't want to talk about it, or says he doesn't know, that is a sort of answer on its own, because it means he can't or won't say he feels the same way about you and wants to be in a relationship.
If you're ok going on as things are now, then that's fine, but if you want something more from him than he's willing to give you, it might be good for you to take a little space. Sometimes continuing to have sex or hang out a lot with someone who doesn't want a relationship can wind up being extra painful.

[xmetalgirl]

So we talked a bit about it and he barely says much. But we he basically has said that it feels a bit more then friends with benefits
So does that mean that we are kinda dating? What if he just wants to date? -_-
Like what are some tips to make him want to be my boyfriend again, what should I do? Not talk to him as much?

[thewrit3r]

Hi, Xmetalgirl, hope you don’t mind me popping in.

First off, I can only imagine how upsetting this is. You wanted a relationship with him deeper than the one you have now but he doesn’t. That can be incredibly frustrating and sad. But bear in mind no one can make another person “want” to be in a relationship with them. People do and should have the power to make their own decisions regarding many aspects of life.

It sounds like the two of you are not on equal footing. You want a committed, monogamous relationship, but he does not. As painful as this probably will be, it may be best to step out of this relationship. Both of you want two different things and it’s not fair to ask either one of you to compromise to be in a relationship. Perhaps you or his feelings will change overtime, but as of now you both want different things and that’s nothing something you can change; you can’t change his mind and he can’t change yours.

I know you probably don’t want to here this and I’m sorry the relationship isn’t going as you would like, but I feel that if you try to bring a relationship that he doesn’t want it will only hurt you and him more than you’re already hurting.