Scared of sex and intimacy

[jbuall]

I'm just really freaking out about sex and whether it's going to hurt. I can't even put a tampon in or touch my own vagina without crying and hyperventilating. Is this normal? Will I grow out of it? I'm 17 and I have no idea how people my age are sexually active. I've heard people bleed the first time. Is that true? Does sex just feel like a huge tampon? I can't even think about seeing a gynecologist and freaking out. Should I see a doctor or someone about this fear? Will it go away? I don't want to freak out like 7 years from now on my wedding night because I can't handle sex. I'm just so worried I won't have normal relationships or be able to take care of my health because I can't handle this kind of stuff. I really need help.

[Jacob]

Hi jbuall, welcome to Scarleteen!

I'm really happy you showed up seeking out support and I hope we can help!

The first thing I will say is that I'm really sorry you are going through this fear around your own body and you are having what sounds like a really stressful time. This truly can improve, and you are absolutely entitled to that much happier relationship to your body which we can work towards.

I can say that terrifying feeling which shows up when you think about doing anything with your vagina, isn't unheard of, you aren't the only one, but it also isn't to do with being 17. Most of the time it's about our experiences and the messages we have received from society...

Is there anything that you think makes you feel this way?

From what you have written it sounds like some of your fear comes from feeling like at some point you will have no choice. But, sex doesn't have to happen at all if we don't want it to.

This is your body - your vagina! And if you've been made to feel by anyone else that it's not your body, then of course it's scary. If I thought my left hand wasn't mine and belonged to someone else then that would be HORRIFYING right?

Having that control, and ownership, the ability to say no, is also the same thing that can bloom into a situation where things can feel more than not-bad. They can feel good. It can take a while, depending on our personal circumstances but if there's a situation inserting stuff into your vagina feels good? It'd because you have a choice about it and your body relaxes. Or, it might be that at that point you are like "meh, I'm still not into it" and that's fine too! You get to do what feels good, when it feels good.

[jbuall]

Thanks for your response! I have never been sexually assaulted or felt out of control of my own body, if that's what you're wondering, but I'm just nervous that I'll never feel comfortable being intimate with someone, ever. I consider myself to be a pretty touch-deprived person; I hug people maybe two or three times a year, and I've never kissed or held hands with a guy. I want the concept of sex and intimacy and being close with someone eventually, but the idea of the physical discomfort just really stresses me out, especially in such a sensitive area. I understand completely that I need to have a solid relationship with someone before that happens and I'm waiting until I'm emotionally mature enough for that, but I just don't want to be 24 or 25 and still not ready for something I should be ready for.

[jbuall]

And I don't feel pressured by anyone to be ready, I just don't want to take forever to be mature. It's all coming from me. I guess I just want to know if it really takes anyone this slowly to mature, and if I'm ever going to be okay with stuff like this.

[Sam W]

Hi jbuall,

Yep, it does take some people a longer time to be comfortable with certain forms of sexual intimacy or physical contact than others. And there's genuinely nothing wrong with that, because there's no real timeline or deadline for things like sexual contact (and heck, some people are never comfortable with certain sexual things, so they never do them and manage to be totally happily anyway). There's no "should," there's only what you want and are comfortable with doing. It may feel like you're somehow lagging behind other people your age, but I promise you there are plenty of people in the same situation as you, and that people who have been in this situation in the past have gone on to have happy, healthy sex lives. Too, since it sounds like some of your concerns are with what inserting something will physically feel like, it may help to know that context plays a big role in whether or not that feels comfortable. If you're tense, like you may be when inserting a tampon or visiting a gynecologist, insertion may not feel that great. But if you're with a partner who makes you feel safe and aroused, it may feel very different. Does that make sense?

You mention that you don't have much physical contact with people, period. Is that something you wish was different? Or is it part of the same feelings that make you nervous about your future sex life?