Still feel like it's my fault

[Raymie]

Hey,

So all my close relationships, including family (with the exception of a couple of friendships) have been severely emotionally abusive. I am now out of contact with all my abusers. However, something my abusive mother said just haunts me, she said 'nobody will love you because you think everyone is so amazing, and have no expectations, how will they ever feel special?' I know it's not a bad thing to be single forever, but I just feel like my love is cheap so I can't ever have a relationship, which means no kids to have either. I am alone 90% of the time except when I'm at work and it's just hard. Scared it will always be like this.

My recent ex also said I 'let people cross my limits and boundaries, and that's what gets me abused'. I am so, so mad. But, there's no way to stop someone abusing you and stay with them, is there?

I just feel like I'm so soft, and such a walkover and people keep telling me to love myself and I won't be abused. But I do! So much! I'm just confused at all human beings right now.

[Raymie]

I think I'm just so scared that, although I love myself, because my expectations of others are low (I don't like to pressure and I'm scared of being demanding), that even the nicest person will think they don't need to put any effort into a relationship with me. Could that happen?

[Raymie]

Sorry to keep posting but it's helping me.

It doesn't help that I feel pathetic/non-feminist for wanting a relationship. My dad called me desperate (then broke contact) for getting upset when being messed around with by someone playing games with me. I feel so needy, and I hate that. All three of my exes had said 'don't love me so much' at some point. Feel redundant.

[Raymie]

I worry that the things I love about myself, such as compassion and generosity, are things that will put people off me, because they're not really things about me, they're things I can offer others.

It could just be that I met all my exes while I was in abuse with my family, and missed the red flags, or ignored them to escape from family. I think I'm safer now, and block people who worry me quickly. But I can't stop comparing myself to my friends who always put themselves first and have lovers falling at their feet, never being single for long.

[Sam W]

Hi Raymie,

I'm so sorry that you've had so many people in your life who've made the choice to hurt you or push your boundaries. As much as your exes (and your family) try to frame it as being your fault, they were the ones who made the choice to treat you that way. While it may be that you didn't catch red flags with your partners because those behaviors had been normalized by your family (which makes them hard to spot), that still doesn't make it your fault.

There's nothing wrong or unfeminist about wanting a romantic relationship where you're treated with respect and consideration by your partner. Wanting affection and support from other people isn't a sign of weakness or neediness. Too, there are lots of potential partners out there who will treat you that way and want to support you instead of using your disposition to justify their own cruddy behavior. You've had bad partners in the past, but that doesn't mean you're doomed to have them in the future, you know?

How much support have you gotten around the abuse in your life, either from a professional like a counselor or from people in your social circle.

[J.D.]

Hey, Raymie!

While some people do like it when girls play 'hard to get', the stigma that EVERYONE likes it is 100% false! Your compassion and generosity will help you find that special someone, and some good bfs/gfs until you find the one. It may look bleak right now, but if you are patient, I genuinely believe that someone good will enter your life.

Hope that helps!