altercation with boyfriend

[phantom_dog]

hi everyone,

so i would like to start off saying that my boyfriend of 4 months and i have very good communication overall but we've just hit a roadblock. i've been at a low point with my own mental health for a little while and so has he (nothing pertaining to our relationship; we both have external factors taking tolls on us individually). last night he was going on one of his self-loathing tangents and i kind of went off on him. the things i said were all harsh advice, and while i still stand by many of the things i said, i should not have been so hard on him. he told me that it really hurt him that i questioned whether or not he's even trying (i deeply regret having said that now, because i know full well he tries) and that he was hurt that i undermined his efforts.

today we're kind of stuck. i've already apologized and clarified my point and told him i know he tries, but i know that those are just words and they don't negate the way i made him feel. so i asked him how he wanted to go about fixing the complications this has created between us. he told me that he doesn't know how to fix things because in his past relationships he would just stay silent to avoid conflict until he felt the problem had blown over and that he's afraid to show when things hurt him because he doesn't want his sensitivity to drive me away.

i told him that i value communication and openness because i want something serious and lasting with him, not some casual fling and that i would never invalidate his feelings by brushing them off as him being overly sensitive. i don't really know how to approach fixing this, and it doesn't help that he doesn't know how to do this either. i don't know what i can do to help him feel better and work past my own guilt at having hurt him.

[phantom_dog]

never mind, we just worked it out.

[Sam W]

Hi terezichan,

I'm glad to hear you two found a way to resolve the issue. Something you (and he) may want to look over for the future is this article: How to Clash With Love: Some Conflict Resolution Basics . Learning to resolve conflict effectively takes time and practice, and that article offers a lot of useful advice that you can use as you're learning to fight fair.

[phantom_dog]

thank you, i really appreciate it!

[Boxers&socks]

Hi terezichan,

Glad to hear that your conflict was resolved! I hope you don’t mind if I chime in, but your story reminded me of something you may find helpful if this or other issues come up again. In addition to the great advice outlined in the article Sam W shared, perhaps you could look into something called “Imago Dialogue” for the future. It’s a multi-step communication technique that involves mirroring, validating, and empathizing. It can feel a little awkward at first, but it can be really helpful when you get to that “stuck” place where it feels like your words aren’t reaching each other. Here’s a link that explains it in some more depth: http://imagoworks.com/the-imago-dialogue/steps/. I’m happy to discuss further if you’re interested