HPV, polyamory, and celibacy

[oteboog]

Hey, all.

So I was diagnosed as having the Human Papillomavirus (HPV) last September. I am not sure what strain of HPV it was; the clinic didn't tell me. I decided to give up sex completely until the disease has cleared my system, as I do not want to spread it to anyone else. I made a mistake back in November and had sex with someone, but since then I've been celibate.

I met someone about a month ago and we've started dating. I really like him, and he likes me too. He's in an open marriage. He and his wife both practice polyamory. This works well, because I am also polyamorous.

The wife is nice; I've met her and we get along. However, she is uncomfortable with my HPV diagnosis and has limited what I can do sexually with her husband. We can't do handjobs, oral, or penetrative sex. Just kissing and dry humping. (I'm sorry if that is too much detail.) I told her husband (my boyfriend) that I'm okay with this, and that I would get re-tested soon to see what's going on with my health.

I just got re-tested today for HPV. I also got a full STD panel done. The doctor said HPV usually takes two years to clear from a person's system, so that it's likely I will still have it. She did the test anyway, but she wanted me to be aware that it might come back positive.

After she took the speculum out, I burst out crying. I felt so bad. I really like this guy, and I want to be able to have sex with him at some point. I feel like if I don't have sex with him soon, he'll lose interest. He's never pressured me or made me feel guilty in any way - that's just how I feel about it. He told me he's been talking to other women, and I feel insecure about that. I understand the idea of polyamory and that people typically date, talk to, and sleep with multiple other people in that arrangement - I've been doing poly for years now - but I feel insecure because if he meets other women and they can have sex with him, but I can't, then he will start to favor their company over mine.

I don't know what to do.

[Sam W]

Hi oteboog,

That sounds like a lot to be dealing with emotionally, and I'm sorry it's leaving you feeling so concerned. It sounds like, if you haven't already done so, it may be beneficial to have a very open, honest conversation with your partner about this. That would include sharing how you're feeling and if there is something you want him to do with that information. I also think it's worth discussing what will happen if the virus takes a long time to shed, and how that would affect your relationship. For instance (and it doesn't sound like this is the case from how you describe him) is he staying with you assuming you'll be able to do more sexual things very soon? Or is he content with how things are? For that matter, are you content with the way things are?

[Mo]

Hi there oteboog, and welcome to Scarleteen.

Have you talked to your boyfriend about the feelings of insecurity you're having around the relationship? If so, how have those conversations gone? I do get that the limitations on the kinds of sex you can have with him right now seem to be making your insecurity worse, but it sounds like he's not just dating you for sex and that he isn't expressing frustration with the current situation.

Has there been any discussion of barrier use between you and your boyfriend, and whether or not his wife is more comfortable with the idea of other kinds of sex if there are barriers involved? Generally we suggest that people who practice polyamory use barrier methods regularly since having multiple partners does increase the risk of STI transmission, but if that's not something you're all doing regularly, being safer sex sticklers might help the situation some. Any of these other women your boyfriend's talking to could also have HPV or other STIs, after all.

[oteboog]

Hey. Thanks for your responses. We're both content moving slow. He's never pressured me. We've had multiple discussions about our boundaries and comfort zones and we've come to an agreement that suits all three parties just fine. He's okay with waiting, even if it takes several months. I just feel bad sometimes thinking other women might have sex with him while I can't.

However, I think these bouts of insecurity are more related to my bipolar disorder. When I'm depressed, I start to feel inadequate with regards to how I'm performing in my life in general. I'm usually more good-to-manic than I am depressed, and then when I crash, it's only for a few hours before I'm just fine again. I made this post while I was depressed. I'm feeling much better about the whole situation now. But I do plan to keep the lines of communication open.

[moonlight]

Hey oteboog, it's good to hear that you've talked several times about boundaries and comfort zones.

I just feel bad sometimes thinking other women might have sex with him while I can't.

Considering that this seems to be a condition of this relationship, is that something you are willing to accept? It's okay if it does not work for you, you get to make the decisions that make you feel best.

I'd also like to check in with you about your feelings about your boyfriend's wife being involved in the descision making process about your sex life with your boyfriend. Is this something that feels good to you?

However, I think these bouts of insecurity are more related to my bipolar disorder. When I'm depressed, I start to feel inadequate with regards to how I'm performing in my life in general.

When it comes to these feelings being linked to feeling depressed, as a collegue of mine just said, make hay while the sun is shining. What I mean by that is that when you're feeling yourself is a great time to work out things that bother you when you're feeling depressed.

Do you have some strategies you use surrounding feelings of inadequacy with other things when you're feeling that way?

[oteboog]

Yeah, I'm willing to accept that. He's still in the talking stages with the others - they haven't met yet - and even when he does meet them, it's not a given that they'll have sex AND even if they do, it's still true that those women will be human beings with flaws, zits, cellulite, eye wrinkles, and all those other things. They're just normal people, and potentially I could end up being friends with them.

And yeah, I respect that his wife makes decisions about the relationship. She was there first. I would defer to my wife too, if I was married (even in an open marriage). I think it's the respectful thing to do. He's doing what makes him happy.

I think one of the main things is just engaging in self-care. Getting enough sleep, eating well, doing hobbies for fun, listening to music, art, paying bills (for me that's self-care - I feel higher self-esteem when my credit score is in good condition, it's a self-actualization thing for me to take care of finances...).

[Chloé]

Hey oteboog, it's great to hear that you know what works for you for self-care. If you're looking for more ideas, we've got a great article: Self-Care a La Carte with some ideas.