how much do I need to tell my friend

[AvocadoLime]

I am going to have a pap smear soon. This will be my first time. I have never been able to use tampons because of extreme pain and I also was sexually abused and raped by my ex. So, I am dreading this appointment. My doctor knows and has prescribed me a sedative so I need to get a ride home. My friend is doing this for me. I told her today that I was terrified and dreading the appointment. She said she was there to listen, and could relate to my fears and anxieties. I know she can; we have a similar past in some ways which is why she is the one I asked to give me a ride. I am afraid of the appointment but I am also afraid that I will get so triggered that I will shut down. I am told it is quite obvious if I do so. I imagine this is true, as I stop talking and moving. The worst time, I remember my eyes slowly closing and I couldn't keep them open but I remember watching my eyelids close and I could hear my therapist (who I know longer see because I've moved to a different state just in the past month) talking but it just seemed silly to answer her.

I have an appointment with a new therapist this Friday and my pap appointment is Monday. I've never met this therapist though. So I guess my question is can somebody here help me figure out what I need to tell my friend? I think I want to say that if I zone out, as in, stop talking and moving, please ask me about my dog and please do not touch me at all. I think I probably should warn her about the possibility of this happening to me but I am so embarrassed and it is so scary I don't want to talk about it. I also think that maybe if i ask her to just not talk about the appointment at all, and we can focus on other topics of conversation, maybe I don't even need to tell her about zoning out. Because also I think I might like a hug at some point and my friends are awesome and tend to be wary of hugging me after I say that I might be triggered around an event, because they know touch makes things worse when I'm at that point. I think I need to tell her about the zoning out because even though it might not (probably won't? if the sedative does its work?) happen, if it were to happen, and she were to touch me, which is what she would do, because that's her reaction when she sees people in distress, that would be awful. Most of my friends know something of what happened, but admitting that shutting down is a possibility is a new level of vulnerability. I sort of want to just send her a text, but I think if our roles were reversed, I would want her to tell me in person? Because I would be worried about her.

What's fair? How do I figure out how much I need to tell her?

[Sam W]

Hi Avocadolime,

First off, big round of kudos to you for being so proactive in taking care of yourself, both in terms of making the appointment even though you know it might be tricky, and for planning out some support for yourself.

I think the ultimate answer is that you should tell your friend what you think she needs to know in order to best support you. She sounds like a pretty cool, supportive person, and she'll likely appreciate you saying something like "hey, this hopefully won't happen, but I might start to dissociate during the visit. It's a thing I know happens, and I want you to be aware of it to. This is what it seems to look like, and if you notice it X thing would be helpful, X thing will likely not be." That tells her what she needs to know to know, and you might feel better knowing she's in the loop.

As for the how, I agree with you that face to face is best. It can usually help you have a better sense of the other person's reactions.

[AvocadoLime]

I think it might have to be over the phone, because I wouldn't ordinarily see her before Monday except at work and I feel weird asking her to hang out specifically so I can tell her this, plus, I'm not even sure she'd have the time (though she would make the time, if I told her it was a big deal, but I really don't want to turn this into a big deal. I want to pretend the whole thing isn't even happening, honestly.) But if I read the following to her over the phone do you think that is ok?

"Hey [friend's name], I just wanted to let you know ahead of time that there is a small possibility that I will get super triggered on Monday and start to zone out. You'll know if I am because I stop talking and moving. If that happens, it would be helpful if you asked me something about [my dog's name] or started talking about some silly thing [her kitten's name] has done recently. Please don't touch me at all though, if I'm not talking or frozen. Is that ok?"

[Sam W]

Hi Avocadolime,

That script sounds like it gets across what you feel you want to tell her and gives specific things she should and should not do if you zone out (which she will likely find helpful). So, if you're comfortable with it, I think it's a good script to use . And my guess is over the phone will work just fine, since you'll be able to hear each others voices.

[AvocadoLime]

Thanks. I think I feel comfortable with her knowing the information in the script, but it is hard to get the words out. I might be able to read it over the phone though. I will probably sound all monotone and weird but I guess she's heard me like that before anyway.

[Kaizen]

You could tell her first off that you want to say something that's hard for you to say, so you're going to read something you wrote earlier. *can't find a smiley that's encouraging but doesn't look like it's laughing at you*

[Sam W]

I think Kaizen's advice is good here. I hope it all goes well for you