Safe Sexting

[roxfoxreal]

I am currently in a sort of relationship with this really great guy but he lives far away. He’s asked if I would be comfortable sending him underwear pictures (and he would send them back) but since we’re not officially in a relationship I’m not sure how I feel. I always said I would never send pictures but I also never thought I would be in a long distance relationship either. I know that it’s important to not have your face or any identifying features in the photo in case it is stolen or shared without your consent. I have taken these precautions in all the pictures I have sent thus far but feel like what I’m doing is wrong. We have exchanged pictures so it’s not one sided but I feel guilty or like I’m a slut because we aren’t technically “dating”. I have never sent nudes only pictures in my underwear because I see it as the same as if he were to see me in my bathing suit. I still feel this enormous guilt weighing on me and can’t talk to my friends or family for fear or judgement or punishment. Please help!

[Alice O]

Hey roxfoxreal,

Welcome to the boards

There is nothing wrong with safely sending sexual words or pictures--it doesn't make you bad and it doesn't make you a "slut" (a completely arbitrary term used to make women feel bad). A lot of us are taught to have a lot of shame attached to our sexual desires and behaviors--especially women, especially when not in a serious relationship. So it makes a lot of sense these feelings are coming up for you! But I want you to know there isn't anything bad about feeling sexual and expressing your sexuality. When it comes to the pictures though, what matters if how you feel about sending them, and it sounds like you aren't feeling too good! Since you're feeling a lot of guilt and doubt, it seems like a sound move would be to stop sending the pictures. Does that line up with what you were thinking?

You brought up that you aren't technically "dating" and are only sort of in a relationship. How is that feeling for you? Pictures aside, I'm wondering if having a check-in with this guy about how you both are feeling about everything and what terms you might use for each other would be helpful for you?

Also, have you met this guy in person before?

[roxfoxreal]

Hi Alice!

Thanks so much for you reply! I have met this guy in person before and we had instant chemistry. I also felt very, very “safe” around him, which is why I am open to exploring my sexuality with him. He is never pressured me into doing anything with him and is actually fairly shy in person! I know that I shouldn’t feel bad per say about sending the pictures but I do think I won’t send any more unless I want to (and of course if he is willing to receive them!). I do really want to have a talk on how to define our relationship because we practically are dating, just without the title. It sounds dumb but I feel that the title would reassure me about the seriousness of our relationship and that he is interested in more than just sex. Thank you for your kind answer. It makes me feel a lot better about expressing my sexuality and being sexual without feeling shameful or guilty.

[Sam W]

Hi Roxfoxreal,

It sounds like you've come to a decision you're comfortable with! Since you're wanting to have a talk about defining the relationship, would you like some tools that could help you out with that conversation?

[roxfoxreal]

That would be amazing! Thank you so much for all of your help. I really appreciate it

[Sam W]

Okay! This article has things for each of you to consider when talking about what you each want the relationship to be like: Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models . I'd also check out these two articles: How to Clash With Love: Some Conflict Resolution Basics Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner . Those aren't specifically about talking with a partner about relationship wants, but they both contain useful advice on how to communicate effectively.

And, of course, if you need a space to brainstorm what to say, you're welcome to do so here.

[roxfoxreal]

Thank you all so much for your help. I am planning on FaceTiming him soon to talk about our relationship. I was wondering if there was any way to keep you updated on the relationship (how we defined it, if we do have sex etc.) without posting to this. I tried to send a private message but it said I wasn’t authorized. I don’t know if that is unprofessional to keep you guys updated but I really like talking to you guys and feel like you always give really sound advice without any judgement. I totally understand if this is only a place for questions but I would love to share my experiences with you guys if you would be interested in hearing about them at all

[Heather]

We're always glad to be kept updated with users! We care about all of you, so by all means, feel free to keep us posted.

[Alice O]

Yes to second what Heather said, if you want to keep us updated, we'd love that!

And to clarify: these message boards are probably the best place for that. You could continue posting in this thread, or start a new one, whichever you prefer.

[roxfoxreal]

Okay so sorry about the wait but it’s taken me some time to try and process this. So I took your advice and tried to talk to him about our relationship. He was not receptive at all and kept changing the subject or ignoring me so I beat around the bush for a couple of days before eventually just bringing it up bluntly, asking if he wanted to be in a relationship or not. Then he ghosted me...I tried to wait it out but it’s been over a month and so I don’t believe he’s ever going to reach out again. I’m obviously really hurt, not just because it ended but how it did. I feel like he didn’t even have the respect for me to give me an answer when I was trying to discuss our relationship like adults. The problem is I am having a super hard time getting over him. I know that he treated me poorly and I should just be able to drop him but I can’t seem to! Part of me still really wants to have sex with him but I also don’t want to sleep with someone who doesn’t respect and/or care for me (even just a little bit) me. I was hoping you might have some advice.

[Sam W]

Hi roxfoxreal,

I'm sorry this ended up being the outcome of you trying to talk with him. It may not feel like it right now, but it sounds like you may have avoided even more frustration down the line by having it end now, since someone who isn't willing to talk about a relationship expectations at all (even if the relationship is casual) is probably going to be hard to talk about a lot of other important stuff with.

Since it sounds like the breakup is still pretty raw, this article may be really helpful right now: Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking . Now may also be a good time for some self-care:
Self-Care a La Carte .Taking a look at that piece, do you see some things you think you could try out in the next few days?

If it helps to know, it's not that strange to still feel some sexual desire for someone you're no longer seeing, even if you know that being sexual with them wouldn't be a good call. How you handle those feelings is up to you and what you feel comfortable with. For starters, do they seem to go away if you masturbate?

[roxfoxreal]

Hi Sam thanks for your reply! I never thought of how the relationship ending could be positive so thank you for that. Also thank you for the articles! I definitely plan on doing some self care this week! Also this is awkward but they don’t seem to go away when I masturbate, they almost get worse because I picture us together. I’m wondering if it’s because I know it will be different then when I have penetrative sex and also because I don’t have a vibrator or anything. I still live at home and am scared that someone will find it if I were to buy one. Should I just try and stop masturbating?

[Sam W]

You're welcome, I'm glad all that was helpful!

There's nothing that can guarantee you'll stop feeling sexual attraction for him (although, as time passes from the break-up, that interest will likely get lower and lower). That being said, it may be helpful to focus on other fantasies or stimuli when you masturbate rather than think about him. That way you're taking some of the "gahhh I want to have sex" pressure off your brain while not reinforcing your interest in being sexual with him, if that makes sense.

[roxfoxreal]

Do you think I should try and move on with other guys? Would that maybe take my mind off of him?

[Mo]

I think if there's anyone who catches your eye, it's ok to pursue them, but really trying to force it with other guys in an attempt to get past this relationship might be less effective. Maybe this could be a good time to reconnect with some friends or throw yourself into a hobby or other passion for a bit? I find that I often do best after a breakup by spending a lot of time with people and activities that I enjoy and that energize me.

[roxfoxreal]

Yeah you’re probably right. I’ll try out some of your self care tips and keep you guys updated on how I’m doing. thanks so much for all of your help!

[Mo]

You're welcome! I hope you can find some ways to feel better soon.