I feel more attracted to girls from other countries. Why?

[Rythe]

I'm a 15-year-old Asian boy. Here's the thing: I spent my 3rd grade in the US and it left a HUGE cultural impact on me. I found that there was a big difference between the American girls and the girls from my country. For example, I felt the American girls were more likely to share their thoughts with me(despite I was of a different race). I discovered that I was attracted to them. Like, REALLY attracted. I thought it'll just go away somehow but it didn't.

Now I'm in 10th grade, and I've never been in a relationship with anyone. In fact there were four girls in my class that liked me. One of the girls was pretty enough, but I just couldn't synchronize with her. I couldn't synchronize with a lot of girls in my class. During middle school I felt like I was hiding a part of myself away,it was really awkward and even a bit depressing.

I became more aware of this when I attended a camp last summer. The campers were Asian American/Canadian kids, so we were of the same race and for once I felt comfortable. I just felt like I was finally ME. There wasn't a particular girl that I liked but I knew deep down that I wanted to be around them. I enjoyed talking to them and laughing with them. But they were raised in another county under different culture. So how can I "Belong" and "Not Belong" to a group at the same time? Why do I feel more attracted to the girls from other countries? I know this was maybe a bit too long, but I'm really confused, pls help

[Sam W]

Hi, Rythe. Welcome to Scarleteen!

Attraction patterns can be tricky to parse, because sometimes our reasons for being attracted to something or someone boil down to, "I don't know, this just gets me excited." Other times, we form attraction patterns because we've attached stereotypes or generalizations to certain groups, and we're attracted to those stereotypes and ideas rather than to real, individual people. For example, do you feel like you're attracted to girls from American or Canadian cultures because of the traits you anticipate them having? Or does the attraction come up once you get to know them as people? Is it the same traits every time, or is it more the fact that they're from an different culture that appeals to you?

Too, can you tell me a bit more about what you mean when you say you don't feel like you synchronize with girls from your school?

[Rythe]

Hi, Rythe. Welcome to Scarleteen!

Attraction patterns can be tricky to parse, because sometimes our reasons for being attracted to something or someone boil down to, "I don't know, this just gets me excited." Other times, we form attraction patterns because we've attached stereotypes or generalizations to certain groups, and we're attracted to those stereotypes and ideas rather than to real, individual people. For example, do you feel like you're attracted to girls from American or Canadian cultures because of the traits you anticipate them having? Or does the attraction come up once you get to know them as people? Is it the same traits every time, or is it more the fact that they're from an different culture that appeals to you?

Too, can you tell me a bit more about what you mean when you say you don't feel like you synchronize with girls from your school?

Hi, Sam. Thank you for replying to my topic!

For me, the attraction comes up once I get to know them as people. It isn't exactly the same traits every time but I think it follows a pattern. Most of the time I feel attracted to people who are willing to converse with me, whether they agree with me or not. Other times it's simply because they're physically attractive. This also brings up your second question of me not synchronizing with girls from my school, I'll give some examples:

1 I lack the similarities and it makes conversations awkward. Girls in my class talk a lot about grades. Few of them play music like me. It's hard to kick start a conversation.
2 Girls in my class like boys with high marks(this is a stereotype). I doubt they would find someone like me attractive because I don't have very good grades.
3 Girls in my class aren't comfortable sharing their own thoughts.(another stereotype OMG)
There's this Canadian girl I really like, if I enjoy something but she doesn't, she'll just say"I don't like it. I think it's crap." It is still a friendly conversation, right? She has her opinion, I have mine. But in my class if you disagree, people either get angry or simply stop talking to you.

Sometimes I just wonder if I'm the problem. I don't know.

[Jacob]

Hi Rythe!

From what I'm reading here, it sounds like there are multiple things going on and that maybe it's not as simple as attraction or preference.

So maybe it's worth asking some questions like:

• Is school always a good context for connecting with people?
• Going deeper on this: are the kind of connections you can have in the escape of a summer camp different from the ones you can have in school with all its pressures?
• Is it ok to be critical of social norms in your own culture
• Is it the girls you meet who are responsible for that culture?
• Is it also possible that the differing ways girls are expected to behave/perform in the US have their own problems, even if it felt good to you?

I think what I'm getting at here is that while sure there are obstacles to connecting with people, that this is more about context than race.

Personally, I'm really uncomfortable with people saying they have attracted to certain racial types because it can really enforce racist idea that personality, attractiveness, behaviour etc are all hard-wired and connected to separate and specific 'races', which isn't true. Think of how that makes especially a non-white non-western young woman feel! A common problem of struggling to find connection, can develop into some real nasty stuff, which I'm sure is not what you are about.

There isn't anything wrong with you for struggling. It's ok if there is no-one you can connect with for now. I feel like it could be a good idea to focus on your music as many people often have... perhaps finding places outside of school where you can connect with people over music.

It's totally legit to be unhappy in a country you live in too. Many of my friends are people who have looked for ways to study and eventually live in other countries to where they were born. For myself it was just about moving city. There's also nothing wrong with asking questions like "why can't we disagree and still be friends".

There is so much that we can discover about ourselves and so much of a positive effect we can have on those around us. I wouldn't want you to not be able to experience any of that if you attributed your feelings to something like racial attraction.

Does this strike a chord? I don't know if there's anything I'm missing but I hope this can be helpful!

[Rythe]

Hey Jacob, I've read your reply. It was really helpful, but you lost me at:

Is it also possible that the differing ways girls are expected to behave/perform in the US have their own problems, even if it felt good to you?

My understanding (if I understood correctly, that is) of this question is perhaps girls in the US also have problems even when I felt attracted towards them. If this is what you mean then I think I am aware of this, as I've been in contact with a lot of foreign girls over the years and not with all of them was I able to maintain a long term friendship.

Also your post made me rethink about the word "attraction", one I realize may have misused.

If "I'm attracted to this girl" mean "I really like her and want a relationship.etc", then in fact there was one girl so far I've had REAL romantic feelings for. I was drawn to her personality and I doubt it had anything to do with her being Canadian. I would have still liked her even if she was of another race.

If "attraction" also mean "wanting to be friends with somebody". Well I'm not like "isolated" or anything because I do have a few friends who are girls in my class. Is just that while my classmates were having girlfriends and somebody they liked, I couldn't find a girl that I wanted to be with and to share my true feelings with, instead I found myself suddenly into this girl from Canada who I had fat chance of being with. All of this have made me stressed.

Now that I come to think of it, my school in particular may in fact be a bad context for connecting( For me )with all the rankings and other stressful stuff going on. I've tried connecting with others through music. I started a class band and practiced my guitar like crazy but the other members never really take it seriously. Then, when I do connect to somebody over music I end up striking a chord with this Canadian girl while talking about bands in a jazz concert. This girl I had like fat chance of being with.

What do I do now?

[Jacob]

Hey Rhythe,

I'm so glad it was helpful.

I'll add that I don't think there's anything wrong with being into this girl. I am agreeing too with you when you say "I doubt it had anything to do with her being Canadian". This is why I suggest that we just don't use race or nationality as a way to describe the compatibility (or attraction!) stuff you are talking about. Bringing that in can just confuse things.

There really can be periods of time in our lives when there is no-one in our surroundings that we feel comfortable pursuing relationships with. It can be a good opportunity to focus on other things, and it is totally manageable. I know it can also feel difficult, but you won't always be in school, and I am sure you won't always live in the same place or country as you do now.

I think you will be ok, and that you don't need to do anything!

[Rythe]

Ok, I see. Thx guys.

[Milliman]

I think Jacob nailed it. Sometimes it's all about the context.