Bio-mother related question

[ratperson]

Over the summer, I found out I'm adopted. To make the story short, my biological-mom (who I was raised to think was my half-sister) was pregnant with me at 18; my parents didn't get to visit until I was three months, and found that my bio-parents were selling formula to buy alcohol and thus giving me about half what I needed. Gradually over the course of about two years they finalized the adoption process (couldn't find bio-dad after they got custody of me, so the judge had to go through a long process to sign the adoption papers as his proxy). Obviously, bio-mom stayed in my life (as my half-sister).

The tricky part is going to be Thanksgiving. Bio-mom and her husband come over pretty much every holiday. They might've been here for Labor Day, but her husband had to work and so they stayed home. I've sort of lost respect for her after hearing how I was treated (as well as other elements of her life I hadn't known about - it wasn't pretty) and I know I'll probably react with some hostility to her visiting for Thanksgiving dinner. My boyfriend has completely lost respect for her and will be outright hostile if she tries to approach us; that's unavoidable and I don't blame him in the slightest. However, bio-mother is very perceptive about mood changes with practically anyone in the family, and mom can't lie to her to save anyone's life, so if she notices my and my boyfriend's hostility, she'll ask about it and I'm not sure how much mom will be able to cover up. (If this isn't very clear, I'll clarify further - just ask! I would use first names but they're both the same )

I think I'm mostly asking for tips to help be more polite/pretend I didn't just find this out over the summer, because I don't want her to know I found out (last time she tried to build a closer, 'sisterly' relationship with me was years ago - she friended me on Facebook, then commented on every single thing I posted with her opinion and told my mom about some of the things I posted, even though she promised she wouldn't tell her, so I'd much rather not be her friend on there or have any more contact than necessary). I have settled my thoughts about being adopted (though it has to some extent strengthened my opinion that I'd do best childfree for my mental health), so that's not the issue, it's mostly trying to figure out how I'll react (I have no clue yet) and ways to avoid letting her see that something has changed.

(If this fits better somewhere else, feel free to move it!)

[Eddie C]

Hello there, Ratperson.

You know…I think being polite and pretending are very different things. I'm not sure "pretending" is the best thing to do here. I don't believe "pretending" is the right thing to do ever, period. And I say this because when we "pretend", it means we are not honoring our feelings, and I think our feelings are always worth honoring. We got them for a reason and most of times they are trying to tell us something.

Also, if you ask me, I think pretending is dealing with something that doesn't exist, thus is energy just wasted. So what about instead of dealing with something that doesn't exist, deal with what really is going on? I can totally understand you saying that you don't want her to know that you already found out. And also I am not saying that mistreating her is the best thing to do, of course not. You don't have to be rude to let someone else know what your boundaries are about anything in your life, you can even say something like: "I don't want to talk with you right now. When I am ready to do it I will let you know" and you can say that in a very polite way, thought I know is easier to say it than do it. What do you think about that?

If you want to keep a relationship with her (or not, and that's okay too!) -- whatever kind of relationship you want, even a very distant one -- how do you want to build it?

[ratperson]

I really want no relationship aside from seeing her at holidays until I've moved out from living with my parents, and then possibly an internet relationship *might* work, but I'd prefer nothing closer than that. It's not just adoption-related, she has other issues that I really can't tolerate dealing with for very long and she thrives on pulling others into the drama related to said issues.

If I tell her I don't want to talk to her, she'll get offended and go running to mom and mom will yell at me to appease her. It's happened many times before, so the pattern would have to continue if we wanted her to not discover that I found out. (That's part of the problem, really - we've had a love/hate relationship for so long and mom has been the one trying to force peace when I didn't want to talk to bio-mom at all, so it has to continue that way or she'll notice a change.)

[Eddie C]

I hear you. And I am sorry you are in this spot, Ratperson.

Obviously I don't know about your family dinamics but would it be helpful if you instead talk to your mom and explain to her how this is making you feel? Telling her that you need her to back you up and respect the limits and boundaries between you, mom and bio-mom? Is this something that would be beneficial for you?

When I said that "pretending" wasn't the best option I didn't mean to dismiss any of your feelings but to validate them and giving them the place they deserve. I hope I didn't cross your boundaries myself.

[ratperson]

No, you were fine. I've discussed that with mom and she wants me to at least be polite to bio-mom. (Dad doesn't care either way and just wants whatever causes the least drama.) Unfortunately, it seems that 'being polite' and 'ignoring' aren't the same thing.....yet 'if you can't be nice to someone, don't say anything at all' still stands. Hmm. >.>

Thanks for talking through this with me as much as you can. ^-^ It's quite helpful.

[Mo]

Hi ratperson,

I wanted to echo what Edith said in the comment above - can you talk to your mom about this, and ask her to step back a bit and not try to force a closer relationship, or "peace," between you and your bio-mom when that isn't what you want? If she knows that you now know your "half-sister" gave birth to you, she might be understanding about you needing some extra space, mentally and physically, to process that.
You might even say something like "I might not feel like this forever but I need to be in contact with her less" even if you are pretty sure that you WILL feel this way forever. That's ok! But a statement like that might smooth things over if your mom is really invested in a certain vision of how she wants you to get along.

In the moment, I think the best way to minimize contact is to stay busy as much as you can. That might be related to helping in the kitchen, corralling kids or doing cleaning during big holiday celebrations, whatever. Can you find ways to be useful that will take you out of contact with her, for clear & plausible reasons? That might help.
And when you do have to have contact, being polite but withdrawing as quickly as you can may be the best you can do.

She's not entitled to your good feelings. It sounds like you might get push-back from your family if you find yourself unable to be polite with her, and if that happens I'm sorry, but it's ok to feel this way. Your feelings and needs are valid here. It may be that you can't really set up and enforce boundaries with your bio-mom until you're living somewhere else, but at the very least I hope you can look forward to that time, when you'll be able to have a say in who you spend time with.

[ratperson]

I might try talking to my mom about the situation because I don't want the dinner to turn into everyone being angry, that wouldn't be fun at all.

My dad doesn't really care if I have a relationship with bio-mom or not, so I'm sure I could persuade him to let my boyfriend and I help him with the food. There aren't any little kids at our gatherings - I'm the youngest! And even if there were, I don't get along well with kids, so that would probably make things worse. That is a good suggestion and if I did better with kids, and there were any present, I would definitely use it. As for the rest, usually bio-mom helps with cleaning up after the meal.

Luckily, bio-mom and her husband usually leave soon after we eat and get there only a little while before we eat, so that minimizes contact. And my boyfriend is good at engaging her husband in a conversation about things she doesn't care about, so she eventually gets bored and leaves the room.

Thanks so much for all the suggestions and advice!

[Heather]

By the way, ratperson, I have personally had a couple friends where the discovery of their biological parent, or meeting with them, or trying to interact with them in an ongoing way was not a happyteary reunion, nor something they really wanted or found it to be positive for them to pursue.

I know they struggled with that a lot, especially since that kind of conflict - or no conflict at all, but a strong desire NOT to have a relationship from the child's end - does not fit the cultural narratives people tend to write around this, so they had a hard time feeling supported by others. In a word, if you did not know already and it helps to know, you are not alone in feeling the way you are. I hope all of this gets easier over time for you.