Preferring to date people your age

[PishPosh997]

Hi!

I have been feeling insecure about this. Is it just me or is there this societal idea that older men (like years older) are better to date and are “more mature?” I have had multiple women tell me to date men 10-20 years older than me. These women didn’t like it when I preferred guys around my age.They didn’t like it when I dated men who were a year of few younger than I either.

For some reason, I don’t feel that spark with men older than me. A few years older than I is fine, but I am talking about a decade or more. I base my opinion on interacting with older people on social media forums and offline. They seem like they’re from a different generation. They would make great friends, but I can’t see myself falling in love with them. I don’t believe that being older makes you more mature or better in bed. I know some young people in their 20’s who are mature than people in their 30’s, 40’s, and 50’s.

Is there anyone else that feels this way? What’s wrong with being attracted to someone from your age group? When people tell me that I SHOULD be after older men, it feels pushy.


I don’t know where else to share this opinion. It’s probably unpopular. I am pretty stubborn on wanting to date people within my age range. It working well for me.

[Sam W]

Hi Hellocupcake,

Ick, that is a pushy thing for those people to say. Are these women you see often (like family members)? And would you like help figuring out how to respond when they bring this up?

You're right that there can be this cultural notion that older men are more mature and therefore "better" partners for women who are 10 (or more) years younger than them. But, as you've articulated, there are a few reasons why that notion is pretty flawed. For starters, as you've noticed in your interactions, people ten or twenty years older than you are from a different generation. That means they have different cultural and social touchstones, and are likely to be in a very different place in their life trajectory than someone who is a decade younger. The main priorities of someone who is 30 versus someone who is 20 are likely to be very different, which can make romantic relationships tricky. Too, the "young women should date older men" has some gross gender components to it. We often see women in their their teens or early twenties dating far older men, and those relationships often have a toxic component to them (Heather actually talks about this phenomenon in this article: Why I Deeply Dislike Your Older Boyfriend ). And, this idea only treats older men as desirable partners; older women are not seen that way (as you mention, you've had people tell you they didn't like it when you dated younger guys) which is a huge double standard.

The truth is, you're not weird at all for wanting to date people in your own age group. In fact, I'd say that most people end up dating partners who are their age or close to it (of course, some folks date with a bigger age gap and have happy, healthy relationships). So while it may feel like an unpopular opinion, it's definitely a popular practice.

[PishPosh997]

Hi Hellocupcake,

Ick, that is a pushy thing for those people to say. Are these women you see often (like family members)? And would you like help figuring out how to respond when they bring this up?

You're right that there can be this cultural notion that older men are more mature and therefore "better" partners for women who are 10 (or more) years younger than them. But, as you've articulated, there are a few reasons why that notion is pretty flawed. For starters, as you've noticed in your interactions, people ten or twenty years older than you are from a different generation. That means they have different cultural and social touchstones, and are likely to be in a very different place in their life trajectory than someone who is a decade younger. The main priorities of someone who is 30 versus someone who is 20 are likely to be very different, which can make romantic relationships tricky. Too, the "young women should date older men" has some gross gender components to it. We often see women in their their teens or early twenties dating far older men, and those relationships often have a toxic component to them (Heather actually talks about this phenomenon in this article: Why I Deeply Dislike Your Older Boyfriend ). And, this idea only treats older men as desirable partners; older women are not seen that way (as you mention, you've had people tell you they didn't like it when you dated younger guys) which is a huge double standard.

The truth is, you're not weird at all for wanting to date people in your own age group. In fact, I'd say that most people end up dating partners who are their age or close to it (of course, some folks date with a bigger age gap and have happy, healthy relationships). So while it may feel like an unpopular opinion, it's definitely a popular practice.

Hi Sam,

Thanks for the reply. I was worried that someone would tell me to give “older men” a chance. I did go on a date with an older man ONLY to be nice. He spent the date complaining about his ex-wife and divorce. It was hard for me to relate.

These women who want me to date older men aren’t family members. One is a married “friend” in her 30’s, who is into older men. Another is a 55-year old acquaintance, who says she wants the best for me. A online phone therapist suggested to date older men, when I told her about a past sexually abusive FWB relationship. What would one say to women who say this?

My family luckily supports me. They wouldn’t approve of me dating a much older person, and I am fine with that.

I did explain to these women my reasons of why I prefer the things I like. One woman said “you need to move on from your past trauma. Just realize that older men aren’t your child sexual abuser.” I don’t think that’s the case at all. It’s not that I am scared of older men. The appeal isn’t there. Sexual attraction is important.

I do notice a big difference in opinions when it comes to sex and culture, when I see posts by older people. I have gotten into some unkind arguments online on lgbtq issues and racism with people from other generations. It’s hard to date someone like that.

I like all of the points you mentioned. You worded things in a way that I couldn’t word.


Thank you.

[Alice O]

Hey Hellocupcake,

You've outlined a bunch of totally understandable reasons about why you don't feel older men are a good fit for you in romantic relationships! Like Sam said, most people end up dating partners who are their age or close to it, for many of the reasons that you stated. I'm sorry you have multiple people in your life be so pushy and disprespectful! Especially a therapist

In terms of replying to people who push their dating preferences on you, it's up to you whether you want to engage with them on that subject, or engage with them at all. Setting and maintaining a clear boundary is helpful--for example that boundary could be: I don't want to talk about this with you. (It can be really emotionally exhausting and hurtful to talk about subjects that are vulnerable to us with people who don't get where we are coming from, so choosing to not talk about this subject with pushy older friends might be a sound move!) How you maintain that boundary (or a different boundary) will depend on your relationship with the person you are talking to, the context of where you are, etc. You can of course directly address with them not wanting to talk about it, and why. You can also just give them a quick response like "I actually like to date people who are close to my own age" or "I know myself well and I know for me dating people my age is the best fit" and then change the subject. Engaging with people who want to push their preferences or beliefs, rather than have a conversation that is both give-and-take, is tough and so you may need to utilize multiple strategies for preserving your boundaries. This applies when talking about dating, and also when talking about anything! How does this sound? Do these feel like things that you would or wouldn't feel comfortable doing?

You also mentioned that one woman said “you need to move on from your past trauma. Just realize that older men aren’t your child sexual abuser.” NOT OK!! Not ok on so many levels. I am so sorry that she said that to you. Do you want to talk any more about your experience with sexual abuse? (Totally separate from dating preferences.) Absolutely no pressure to! Just want to create the space.

[PishPosh997]

Would I have to make a new thread about it?

I was second-guessing myself with that ladies’ comment. It felt weird, but I was like “wait, is trauma holding me back?” Even before the trauma, I always liked boys my age growing up.

This lady did make more insensitive comments about trauma that I don’t get. Some of the stereotypes about child sexual abuse survivors infuriate me. It would help to talk to someone about it. The sexual assault hotlines I have called mainly just listen. They aren’t able to answer the questions I have.

I can open up more if it’s okay to discuss in this thread or elsewhere.


I am comfortable now telling people that I will not discuss stuff with them. I made the past mistake of answering people’s nosy questions and freezing when they would push their opinion on me. Lesson learned!

[Siân]

Hi Hellocupcake,

It sounds like you've had some rough conversations around this - I'm sorry! I definitely don't agree that wanting to date people your own age is somehow related to being "held back". In fact, it sounds sensible, healthy and fun to me! Often we are able to connect well with people at a similar life stage to us because we can relate to eachother's experiences. Those comments sounds based in some sucky stereotypes. I'm glad you're feeling more comfortable on setting boundaries with people on what you do and don't want to discuss with them.

As to the past trauma, we are 100% here to talk and answer the questions you have if you feel it would be useful. Would you be happy making a new thread for it?

[PishPosh997]

Great, I will make another topic.

Yes, I am attracted to those who understand me more.

[PishPosh997]

Hello,

I made the topic in abuse/assault. I have a brief history of the assault, but what bothers me the most is friends’ comments