My boyfriend and I haven’t had sex in two weeks

[Cartmanland]

So my boyfriend and I haven’t had sex in around two weeks now, we have been fighting recently and he says that that’s the reason why he doesn’t feel like having sex, he says that it stresses him out and causes him to not want to. So this has kind of made my confidence lower and I’m kind of scared to initiate sex because he might say no, so I’ve been waiting for him to initiate but he hasn’t even touched me sexually either. I really don’t know what to do, every time he comes to bed I hope something will happen but he just falls asleep immediately and it’s making me almost depressed because I feel like it’s my fault? Basically every time he falls asleep I end up crying because I just don’t know why he shows no interest in me sexually. Should I just wait till he initiates sex or should I initiate sex?

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards, Cartmanland.

I'm so sorry that you're feeling the way you are.

While it might be normal for you in your relationship so far to not go two weeks without being sexual, please just know that that's actually pretty common for a lot of couples, especially after everyone has gotten out of the first intense blush of a relationship, like the first few months. It's also pretty common for people to not want to be sexually intimate while they're fighting: that's understandable, I think. Being in conflict often already makes everyone involved more vulnerable, then adding something with even more vulnerability on top of it can feel like a lot. Too, I don't know what you have been fighting about, but some or all of what that has been might feel very tied to sex for your boyfriend. Plus, if he feels in conflict with you, he might want to resolve that before being sexual again, since having sex with someone we feel in conflict with can feel pretty icky.

Just for the record, it's not your fault. Couples have conflict. And couples also often don't have sex for periods of time sometimes. This is just part of being with someone in this way.

It sounds like you have a few different things going on. For one, it sounds like maybe you have a lot of self-esteem or body image wrapped up in someone being sexual with you or wanting to be. You might want to look at that and see if you can't unpack it some, and maybe start finding some other ways to get those things so that when you're not in a sexual relationship, or a partner doesn't want sex with you -- both things that will probably happen frequently for you in life, as they tend to for most of us -- you don't have to take huge self-esteem or body image hits.

It also sounds like you two are still in unresolved conflict, no? If that's true, instead of initiating sex with him, I'd suggest you initiate some talks to see if you can't resolve your conflicts. If not being sexual together is about fighting, then it's pretty clear that's what needs to be fixed. And if you're in conflict you're not working to resolve, that will need doing anyway if you're not to tank your relationship together. Can you tell me the scoop with this fighting, where you're both at with it, and if you feel able to -- and both want to -- work through it with him?

In the event you resolve the conflicts, or at least start to, and you don't feel any more able to ask him to be sexual with you than you do now, and he doesn't ask himself, then obviously we're dealing with something else here. But let's cross that bridge if and when we get to it, okay?

[Cartmanland]

Thank you for replying, it’s much appreciated. So you are right that I do keep feeling unatractive or even unwanted because we haven’t been having sex, but my boyfriend has assured me that that will never be the case, but I still can’t help feeling that way.
We aren’t exactly in conflict at the moment, we’ve been perfectly happy for the last couple of days now, but our fights are usually about me feeling like he doesn’t spend enough time with me, he usually goes to work, comes home and starts playing video games for hours on end, and I’m kind of clingy and want to spend a lot of time with him so I get pretty lonely after awhile and ask him to hang out with me but he just gets annoyed and says he spends a lot of time with me already. I don’t really think the short time that we see eachother before he goes to work and when he comes to bed and passes out immediately counts as spending time with me. I don’t know I kind of feel like I’m being too clingy and I’ve stopped asking him to spend time with me because I don’t want to fight about it anymore, but I’m really not happy with this situation, I love him so much and I love being intimate with him and I can’t get me feeling across to him because he thinks I’m saying that he’s not enough for me or something. We both want to work things out because we really do love eachother but I’m not very happy with things

[Heather]

Thanks for filling me in.

You can actually manage those feelings of low self-esteem that are happening when someone doesn't want to have sex with you. It's just something that you'll learn to do over time, probably by learning some better ways to amp up your self-esteem and body image that are more reliable than sex, and usually also do a better job, anyway. I'm happy to talk with you about that some, if you'd like.

It sounds like it might be that your boyfriend wants more time and space away from you, and you want more time and space with him, which certainly probably plays out in sex, too. Someone who wants more space, or feels suffocated at all, generally won't want to do something like sex that involves no space.

It's okay for him to want space and time away from you. It's also okay for you to want time and space with him. And ideally, you strike a balance where you both get your needs met. Have you two ever talked about it like that? Where you just accept and acknowledge this difference -- without tears or anger -- then each say what you want when it comes to this (like maybe he wants a few nights guaranteed off from you, and you want a few nights guaranteed on, for example, or he needs one hour after work for himself, and you want some time with him before bed) and see if you can't reach some compromises?

[Cartmanland]

We have discussed it before and I’ve told him that I want to spend some more time with him once in a while and he has told me that he does like to have his time by his self and I understand that, but for the last couple of weeks he’s been spending almost no time with me at all, he’s the kind of person that needs to preoccupy his mind at all times or he starts to over think things and have bad thoughts, which I think he should get some kind of help with, but the fact that he’d rather put most of his time on his computer then with me hurts a lot because since he does have those kinds of problems I wish I could help him with it.
We also both have a lot of self esteem problems, he’s been cheated on in the past and he feels like he’s not enough for me and that I deserve someone better and maybe he’s trying to push me away with putting his time into his video games? I don’t know I always over think things and think that there’s some ulterior motive to him not wanting to spend time with me. He is also very loving when we do get time together and I always cherish the time I do get with him but then when he does go do his own thing I always end up feeling really lonely.
I think that I should try talking to him in the way that you said, i think that we can try and make a compromise

[Heather]

For sure, if you haven't ever tried talking about this in a practical way -- not just in a feelings way -- it sounds like it's past time for that. This is about time together, which is a tangible thing, not just about feelings, so logistics need to be some of how it's dealt with.

So, perhaps what you can do is think about what you think YOU would want and would be best for you. Since it sounds like you may err on the side of being a little too dependent or reliant on him and his attention (just in terms of how it effects you, like leaving you *so* low when he doesn't want to have sex). I'd suggest that just when it comes to what's probably best for you, you figure whatever you probably want in terms of time together, maybe you want to scale that down a bit more than that. Think about it in practical terms: what do you want in terms of time at home together after work? What does your (healthy) ideal look like? Setting aside at least one night, let's say, for you to hang alone or alone with your friends or family, what about the rest of the time? How much dedicated time do you want, and how much in-the-same-space-but-paying-attention-to-other-things time is okay with you? Do you want a date night a week? How about one day a week for you two to do household things together? What are you willing to give him in terms of time and space? And so on.

When you come up with those answers, then you can bring them to him, asking to sit down and see if you two can't find some middle ground with these conflicts. You could even tell him all this before you think it through, ask him to do same, and then pick a time you'll come back together to sit down and talk about both your thoughts and wants. How does that sound?

[Cartmanland]

That sounds like a great idea, I’ll definitely talk to him about it and we can figure out what we both can do to find some middle ground, because I don’t want to push him away with my nagging about him not spending time with me. You were a great help thank you very much, I am very very thankful for you helping me because I didn’t really have anyone else to talk about this with ^^

[Heather]

I'm glad I can be of help: it's my pleasure.

I do hope you can think about this less as him being aloof and you being clingy, and more as two people who have different needs and wants when it comes to attention and time spent together. Chances are good, after all, that this isn't about one of you wanting too much and the other wanting too little, but about both of you needing to make some adjustments towards the other to find where your middle ground is because you just aren't similar in this way.

It's really hard to work through issues like this in relationships if, from the start, anyone is thought of (or thinks of themself as) or seen as problematic in what they need just because the other person doesn't want or need that thing, or want and need the same things around it. And the word "clingy," in particular, tends to bring with it so many feelings of shame, especially for women, that I'd suggest you do your best to ditch it in all of this. You want time and attention from your partner. That's not weird or pathological. If you want more than is healthy for people to also have some separation, you can work on that. If you want more than he does, if you two are all-in with each other, you'll figure out some compromises, and hopefully can both get the relationship you want AND your own needs met.