relationship advice

[olemgirlygirl1]

Hello Scarleteen,

So i am having a little bit of a problem with my 3 year relationship with my boyfriend. I love him deeply and care about him alot, but he has a smoking problem and it kills me. When I first met him i did not know he was a smoker, i found out after a couple weeks later after i found the cigerettes one day. I told him i dont really date smokers and actually hate smoking all together. He said he understands and said he is a occasional smoker and doesnt smoke that much. I really liked him and wanted to make things work and thought well he can just quit one day right? Well here i am 3 years later and he still smokes. I get nightmares of him getting lung cancer or our future kids getting into it because he smokes. He has tried to quit many times, i support him. I ask him what can i do to help, he says nothing i can do and he just has to quit cold turkey. I have bought him books to read, he said he read it quit but then started smoking again. I gave him a vapor cigerette to try too that seemed to work for a while, but then starts again and its this constant cycle. I dont know what to do anymore because we talk about getting married one day and he says he is ready but i am not because i dont want to marry him if he smokes. There are other factors too of why i am not ready for marriage with him but the big one is the smoking. I dont know what to do because when i bring up why he hasnt tried quitting again and he gets so mad at me. I dont like to bring it up to him because of it but i dont see a change so thats all i know. I dont know what to do because i love him and want to be with him but i feel this smoking has put a huge road block in our relationship.

[Eddie C]

Hello there, Olemgirlygirl. Welcome to Scarleteen.

I'm sorry to hear you are so frustrated with this situatuation and I have the feeling that my advice is not the one that you'd probably want to hear.

To be honest, I don't think anyone can make other people quit an habit such as addictive as smoking. If and when someone wants to quit an addiction, is something that must come solely from them. Other way never works. If and when we push someone for something they are not ready to do, the results are not always very positive.

But this is about you and about what things are deal-breakers and not. You are absolutely entitled to not date smokers but you can't change the fact that he is one. So, ultimately I think that you only have two choices: either accept the fact that he is a smoker right now -- and that he could probably quit someday, or not -- or to just decide and let him know that you can't deal with the fact that he smokes. I know is a hard decision to make but it is what it is.

I just want to make clear that whatever choice you make is a 100% valid even if that doesn't make it any easier.