Sexual frustration for years. Need Advice!

[theonelost]

This is not something I've ever actually admitted to, and only recently to myself, but I genuinely do not seem to enjoy any real form of sexual interaction, aside for a very short time in my life, which I'll explain in a moment. Ever since I was a young boy, I had experimented with different forms of sexual relief, a.k.a. different types of grips, different forms of pressure, including objects, and had success at times, just got bored at other times, depending on my thoughts during the act of masturbation. If I even slightly stopped paying attention to the task at hand, I would lose the "feel" of what I was doing, and the end result would be in a half-hearted orgasm. I don't know how to explain that, aside from there being obvious physical release, but there doesn't seem to be a mental release like there used to be. I used to be able to finish, clean up, and immediately fall asleep in a completely relaxed state, but, for the past three years or so, I haven't felt that way.

I thought my first sexual experience would change that. We had been great friends for a long time and really liked each other, so it seemed only natural to have sex. We had sex probably 14 times total, and, while it felt good, it didn't feel much better than what I had been doing to myself, and the final product was the same - I didn't feel the mental release. I figured the fact that we lasted so long each time we did it(anywhere from an hour to four), meant it would be the release I was looking for, but it wasn't, it actually made me tense up. Months later, there was another girl that ended up being my first love. With her, I thought there would be that release I was missing, and there were times that I DID get it, but they weren't during times of actual sex, but when she performed orally on me. In fact, those were the times I would go completely numb all over both mentally and physically and could just lay back fully relaxed and happy like something I can't explain. However, during sex, it seemed to become "business as usual" after a few months. It became so frustrating that I lost the drive to want to even have sex, eventually resulting in I wouldn't be lasting as long, it took more to get me going, etc, and she, too became frustrated because she stopped getting the release she was looking for physically. It ended up being the undoing of our relationship. One last time in that time frame, one other girl I had had a crush on since middle school(so probably 9 years) had performed orally on me, but it seemed that the relief was gone from that action, as well, and I just assumed there was something wrong with me sexually, and for the last two years, I only occasionally masturbated when I physically felt starved from not doing it, but I would otherwise avoid it entirely. Every time I tried, I just felt kind of strange tension build up inside of me. My best comparison would be shaking a soda can but not opening it, so you can feel the bubbles inside and the pressure built up, but without popping the sealed can, the pressure would remain, though eventually dissipate. That's what it would feel like to me. I would physically orgasm, but I guess not mentally orgasm, if that's even a thing. I can't explain it properly, I suppose.

In the past week, I decided to try to engage in sex with this girl I've been seeing, but I didn't feel anything during it. Its like my area "disappeared" for a while, we finished at the same time, which felt good physically, but I can't really say I felt anything at all in any other way. Of course, I felt it physically, but I just wasn't in it mentally. I wasn't over-thinking anything, either, I made sure to clear my mind completely and just be in the moment, but afterword, I felt like I had every other time, even felt a bit ashamed, I have no idea why honestly. Of course, I didn't tell her because she seemed to enjoy it, and I didn't want to put a damper on something so new like our relationship. I believed that it might be tied to the stressful life I was living in initially, family health issues, monetary concerns, college grades, etc, but all that has been behind me for quite some time now, and I feel quite relaxed most of the time now. I guess my question would be this: Is it normal? Do any other men/women feel this way? How do I deal with it? How do I get over it? How do I get the relief when it didn't even seem to come when I was in love? I don't want to swear off sex, because I do physically enjoy it, and I enjoy the intimacy of it when I'm with the person I care about, but when I just feel an unreleasing pressure building up every time I do it, it just seems to be more of a chore than an exciting experience, even during masturbation. This problem is even getting in the way of my relationships, but I can't even explain it properly. Does this even make sense to anyone?

[Sam W]

Hi theonelost,

So, I think your instinct to look at stressors outside your sex life is a sound one. Being stressed, or anxious, or even tired from what's going on in our lives can make it so that we don't feel all the way into the sexual stuff we're engaging in (or that we feel tense about it). I think you might also be creating a little bit of a cycle for yourself, because you're anticipating the frustration and thus finding yourself in a less than ideal head-space, which feeds the frustration, and so on.

One thing you might try is, when you're with a partner, moving the focus and the goal away from orgasm and towards "enjoying our bodies and each others company." From your own description, you say sex feels good physically, so focusing more on those sensations and less on achieving a final release might help you out. Does that make sense?

[Heather]

Can I also ask what your experiences have been like with pleasure in other things? In other words, are there other activities or things where you experience a lot of pleasure that does feel satisfying to you?

Too, sometimes people who describe feeling the way you have been also experience trouble really just letting themselves go, be that only with sex, or in general in life. How do you feel about your ability to kind of be all-in something, to the point where you really let go and check out of your head in some ways?