Feeling Left Out : (

[Fender909]

Hi there,

My boyfriend and I have been having sex for closer to 3 1/2 years now. We live together and have a dog together!

Naturally, i feel our sex has changed over time. In the beginning, I loved every bit of having sex with him and always felt satisfied even if I didnt finish with an orgasm.

In the recent past, almost every time we have sex he finishes first and then instantly rolls over and either goes to sleep or is just done being sexual entirely. This always has a way of making me emotional. It makes me feel kind of left out or forgotten about when this happens.

It makes me feel like he has sex up until the point where he orgasms and then doesnt consider how I may be feeling. I almost never orgasm when we have sex and if I do it’s through mutual masturbation.

I would never want to guilt him for finishing too early or force him to do something he doesnt want to but every time it seems like he loses interest the second he finishes and then im just left there, unable to orgasm like he did. It gives me a strange feeling of almost jealously. Like, “Why do you get to orgasm EVERY time during sex and i almost NEVER do?!”

I dont want to use this word, but it almost leaves me feeing USED. Like he uses my body to please himself and then doesnt take the time or care to please me and help me finish.

Anyway, this has been hurting my self esteem lately and i just wanted go come here to figure out a healthy way of dealing with it. Thank you!

[Heather]

Good to see you, Fender, though I'm sorry it's for this reason! You have every right to feel the way you do, and of course you're feeling that way. It sounds like your partner isn't being a considerate partner in a basic way.

Before I say anything else, have you talked to him about this at all, even with something as small and basic as a playful, "Hey, other whole person over here still, dude!" ? If so, how did that go, and what came of those conversations? If not, can you fill me in on why you haven't said anything, or, if you feel unable to speak up about this at all, why you think you feel that way?

Can I also ask if this is always how he's been, or in the past, was he more considerate and attentive to you and your pleasure and satisfaction? You say that in the past you were fine not reaching orgasm, but I can't tell if you mean that he's always been like this, but you felt differently about it before, or if this is very different behavior from him than in the past.

Also, while you two are being sexual -- before he stops -- do you feel like he is engaged with how you are feeling, physically and emotionally? Or does it feel like even during he's just mostly paying attention to himself and his own pleasure?

[Fender909]

Hi Heather, good to talk to you!

I mean, yes! I have brought it up to him. I’ll voice my sort of dissatisfaction to him and he’ll just get kind of whiney and say “I’m tired. I can’t have sex when I’m tired.” And I’m thinking, “well then how were we having sex just a moment ago?!” Or he’ll even tell me to just masturbate. But to me it feels strange and kind of wrong to masturbate next to him while he’s totally disengaged and we were just having sex! If him masturbating next to him I want him to be into it, you know what I mean? Sometimes I get emotional after our sex and tell him I feel like I’m not good enough. And sometimes he’ll even get irritated because he wants to be left alone and go to sleep.

After he orgasms he always tries to explain to me that after that happens he simply feels incapable of being sexual, or that it feels “wrong.” I try to understand that this just might be a fact that can’t be helped, but I’m always just frustrated sexually.

I would say that he has always been this way. But he’s not crude and insensitive by any means. When we first started having sex everything felt good because it was a thrill just to be with him. You know how you feel when someone is shiny and new to you. But yes, he would do the same thing even then. And I probably DID get frustrated back then, but maybe our relationship was too fresh and I wasn’t brave enough to voice how I felt.

During sex, he isn’t detached at all. He talks to me and kisses me, and he does seems to focus on my pleasure. He focuses on our mutual pleasure. And it seems like he tries to prolong the sex by preventing himself from orgasming “too quickly,” because he has the idea that if we have sex for a longer amount of time there is a stronger likelihood that I will orgasm too.

I just want a find a way for us to come to a compromise and both be happy after sex!

[Heather]

Whoo boy. Okay. Honestly, three years and change is a very long time to be in something so unbalanced and one-sided. I'm really sorry that you've been in something going like this for this long! That just really sucks.

I'll be honest: it's also a very long time for a sexual pattern to go on for, so there are some things you can try to turn it around, but I want to be realistic. You just might not be able to, or, if both of you really want to work to change it and both are really dedicated to doing so, it might take a while, and there will probably be a good deal of conflict and crabbiness in that process. Here's hoping I'm wrong, but I think you might want to at least think a little bit about the possibility this might not change this late in the game or may take a LOT of work. You two may also need the help of a counselor, and if that's something you have access to, I think it would be great to start looking into that. An in-person helper could make all the difference with something like this.

The very first thing I think you have to do, ASAP, is say something, and because this has gone on so long without you doing so, and has gotten worse and worse. I just don't think you can pussyfoot around with this if you want things to change. I think you have to be as direct as you have been with us: you are deeply sexually dissatisfied and have been pretty much the whole time because of these dynamics and because the way you two have been sexual together is set up this way, where it really centers around his orgasm. I think you also need to let him know this has always not been okay.

I think you also need to let him know, in the case he doesn't know, that this really isn't an okay way to be as a sexual partner to ANYONE, not just you. I say it isn't really, because of someone tells a partner they feel incapable of or just totally uninterested in continued sex after they get off and the other person says they're fine with that, then it's obviously something different. And, of course, there's the issue of you -- from the sounds of it -- not setting any limits around this before. But really, most sexual partners aren't usually going to agree with this without making adaptations around it expressly so they don't wind up in something that gets as one-sided as this sounds like it is, you know?

Let me say a little bit about that in my own plain way just so you can hear it. It sounds like you think this is about you being unreasonable, or that it's okay for him to be like this. Neither of those things are true, so I'm riffing here for you so you can hopefully get why.

You're right: it does sound like he's basically been using you to masturbate with, and putting his pleasure first and foremost. Sure, you haven't strongly spoken up. But he also hasn't ASKED, from the sounds of things. It doesn't sound like he has actually cared enough about what brings you pleasure and satisfaction in this way, because people who care about that try and solve something like this. I suspect one reason you never said anything is expressly because he didn't ask, so he gave you a pretty clear message he doesn't care to make it worth you asking.

It might help to also consider that he has to already know this isn't an okay sexual dynamic, because you know it's certainly not a dynamic HE would agree to or be okay with were the shoe on the other foot.

There's a SUPER easy way to often make this work out for couples, btw, which is by making it so that a partner who finds themselves sleepy, spent or disinterested after orgasm or otherwise feeling satisfied works with their partner so their PARTNER gets to that point first. It's actually not that complicated. So, that is one thing you can suggest and try, and if he is actually invested in sex really being about both of you, then all by itself, that might solve a whole lot of this for you. As a queer and genderqueer person, these books aren't my faves, but Ian Kerner wrote two books (that I would say are probably great for some straight, cisgender couples), the first of which is called "She Comes First." It's basically a very expanded notion of this concept. You two might want to look at it. I could suggest others, if you'd like.

But I also think it sounds like there are other patterns that need to be broken and radically changed here. For instance, you have got to find a way to start speaking up about all of this, including the things you think when he tells you that he is only able to take care of himself sexually. Maybe you might lighten your tone a little bit so as not to be too harsh, but honestly, I think some real talk is a thing it sounds like this guy desperately needs to hear. I think you two need to sit down and both have some really honest talks about how you each feel about your sex life together and your sexualities on the whole, as openly as possible. It sounds like one of the biggest problems you have is actually communication.

I also think you need to set a hard limit right now, which is that if and when he knows he is going to be too tired after he's done with his orgasm to think about anyone but himself, HE is the one that needs to masturbate. That's literally one big thing masturbation is for, when we want to be sexual or get off but don't want to or aren't able to fully consider a partner, you know? (In fact, it might be great if you could incorporate more mutual masturbation into your relationship, period, if it turns out he is game to start making some changes. I can think of some ways that that particular sexual activity could help you both out, and I don't just mean to get off.)

What do you think about all of that so far?

[Fender909]

[/quote]

Hi Heather, good to talk to you!

I mean, yes! I have brought it up to him. I’ll voice my sort of dissatisfaction to him and he’ll just get kind of whiney and say “I’m tired. I can’t have sex when I’m tired.” And I’m thinking, “well then how were we having sex just a moment ago?!” Or he’ll even tell me to just masturbate. But to me it feels strange and kind of wrong to masturbate next to him while he’s totally disengaged and we were just having sex! If him masturbating next to him I want him to be into it, you know what I mean?

Oh no! I think maybe there was a misunderstanding! I HAVE talked to him about this before! I try to express myself to him whenever he “leaves me hanging.” I’m finishing at work and I’ll write more in a couple hours!

[Heather]

I meant talking about this together in a big way, and ideally NOT at the time it's happening (when it's unlikely to have any good, long talks, especially since in this case, he's apparently falling asleep!).