My desires are a mess

[Verniver27]

When i was a child i obviously didn't know what sex and its repercussions were like, and little did i know that later on i would accept myself as gay. The thing is when my other male cousin and i (also male) were kids, we had sexual encounters at the age of 4-5 years old until we were almost 16 and then they vanished.
I remember that we touched eac other bodies and had erections and kissed each others genitals feeling pleasure and even penetrating each other.

However, at such a young age i remember feeling terribly guilty every single time, and i felt like i could never ever repeat such a thing... until i did and felt even more nd more guilty every time.
I didn't stop at my cousin, i also, at the age of 8-9 had masturbation sessions and touching with a friend, then had it with two more friends around 10-11 (all male) all of them suddenly and never as frequent as the ones with my cousin used to be.

More than once, our parents saw us in our sexual sessions and they punished us for several days, separated and isolated each other, and made us feel ashamed and as if what we did was something terrible that could never ever be repeated. I remember once my mom caught us and i begged her please not to tell my dad and she answered that she wouldn't because she was embarrased of me. Anyways, we kept repeating.

Even though i tried to control all of these feelings, i never could, i masturbated trying to think about girls or watching heterosexual porn and never could, i always went back to boys and felt shame and guilt even masturbating.

Then i started having mutual masturbation sessions with my brother, it was just masturbating each other arpund the ages of 15-16.

Then, i came out of the closet and everyone was super nice and supportive with it, the habits with my cousin and brother finished and i've remained on my own for quite a long time.

What scares me now is something else, i sometimes have rare sexual thoughts, like feeling sexually aroused thinking about the encounters i already mentioned, or feeling really stimuated by the idea of having sex with my father, touching or smelling his clothes, like masturbting in open places, public bathrooms or hiding somewhere on the outside while doing it.

I can't even explain how dificult it has been to me to say all these things, all these truths, that i have never ever in my entire life dared to expose to anyone. I feel like trash, like i could never change this, and i feel like i will cause a lot of pain to someone someday, i can't control these thoughts or behaviours and i feel like i will rape someone someday or i will end up having a perverted sexuality and that i'll do things i don't ever in my life want to do. all these feelings of sexual stimluation i don't understand, make me think that someday i can feel the same about kids, or people being abused or raping and i just don't know what to do or how to heal myself.

Nowadays i also can't control my desire to connect to sex cam chat with other men, exposing myself and my body and msturbating with people that i don't know anything about. i know about its risks about its dangers and i literally knwo that someone in that webpage could RUIN my life! but i can't avoid doing it and it's so, so scary... i feel so bd everytime i do it... the last time i felt like puking and i started to cry, more than once i end up crying right after masturbating, and today i got scared because i went really sad after masturbating and even thought about harming myself. This is so crazy to say that i can't even believe i'm talking about myself, but this is the truth.

I know that talking to people is useful, and i've actually told some really close friends about the sexual encounters with my cousin, which now i begin to understand as a common and normal behavior in many kids and young teenagers that simply went too long and ended up mixing with a sexual repression i had on my childhood.

Anyway, please, i need some guidance and i need someone to tell me that i'll be fine and that i won't hurt anyone because id i ever do something similar i could never handle it.

Thanks for reading, i'll be waiting for your answer.

[Sam W]

Hi Verniver,

Before we go into anything else, I want to say that if you're still having the urge to hurt yourself, the thing you need to prioritize getting help around that. This site has a hotline you can call for support and resources: https://www.regain.us/gethelpnow/

It sounds like you have a lot of guilt and shame attached to some of your behaviors, and that your engaging in them even when you don't want to or feel like you can't control yourself. When you're experiencing that kind of compulsive behavior and it's causing you this much distress, the sound course of action is to get in touch with a mental health professional so can you work on the behaviors and thoughts that are causing you distress. This is especially relevant to behaviors that you feel a compulsion to do that are potentially involving animals or people without their consent (which is something that isn't okay). Are you connected to that kind of resource already? If not, that's something we can help you find.

You're correct that some of the behavior you engaged in as a child and teenager fits within the normal range of sexual exploration and behavior. Something I want to draw attention to is that you say your cousin was often not interested in these activities and would say no, and that you "convinced" him. What you're describing is not active consent between two people, but coercion on your part, which was not okay. So, part of where some of that guilt may be coming from is you knowing, on some level, that some of what happened involved you pressuring someone. That may be something else you'd want to discuss with a mental health provider.

[Verniver27]

No, i'm not connected with a mental health provider, an i've got complete knowledge on what coercion is and i can asure that i have never had behaveours engaged to that, as i've haven't shown any sign refering to that conduct. I would like to continue this conversation privately due to the path it's taking, can we manage a way to do it?

[Sam W]

Got it. Would you like some resources to help you get started on finding one?

We have a one on one chat service, which happens at particular hours. You can find the current hours here: http://www.scarleteen.com/need_help_now ... t_services . So, if you're more comfortable having a conversation there, you're welcome to come in during chat hours.

[Verniver27]

Yes please, i live in Spain, have you got access to any sources in my country?

[Sam W]

Sure! These resources are a great place to get started: https://consaludmental.org/informate/
http://telefonodelaesperanza.org/quienes-somos . Contacting either of those resources will get you connected to people who have a good sense of the resources available in your area and how you can find them. Are those helpful?

[Verniver27]

Yes they are, i know everything i said is terrible and i want to make sure all of you i'm mostly fine, i can still make my normal life without major problems and BY ANY MEANS i meant that i thought sexually about rape or anything like that, i've never thought of that, just the feeling of unsettlement given by not controlling my acts towards what excites me made me think that if i ever have those thoughts i perhaps couldn't control them either. I have never been close to any of those or even considered them. Thanks for the support and i hope that even though i know its a terrible story you all understand that i'm not a monster and that i really want to change. Hope you understand this.

Thanks, Sam W.

[Sam W]

I'm glad they're helpful. Too, I want to make it clear that nobody here thinks you're a monster or anything like that. From what you're describing, you're dealing with thoughts, feelings, and urges that are causing you distress and some of which sound like they're compulsions that are causing you discomfort. Those things combined are something that is ultimately best addressed by a trained mental healthcare provider, because they can help you parse out which things are harmless and which things are causing you distress and ways to ease that distress. That's why we suggest accessing that kind of resource, because it's going to be the way to best take care of yourself and address the things that are worrying you.