supressing extreme desires

[xtr]

sorry for bad english not a native

I discovered porn really early (when i was in 5th grade) and since the last 3 years or so I've been watching it pretty regularly (basically everyday 1-2 times), as you may have heard that the more you watch the less you find the vanilla and mainstream stuff provocative and drift on to more extreme and niche stuff. I am at this point now where i can only watch extreme content (extreme in the sense that most people don't watch these, nothing illegal).

I feel that if I date a regular person in the future most probably they aren't into this stuff. So what should I do, live with these desires and don't ever confront them or either look for someone who is into this stuff. Both the options are kinda undesirable and especially the last one because first, it will get exponentially harder for me to find someone (since most people don't have these kinks) and second, there are a lot of things that I value in a relationship other than sex.

Even if I quit porn in the future (which I want to do) and these desires and fetishes get suppressed in some part of my brain, I strongly feel like they will resurface in some form (because watching these videos has basically been a daily routine for years) and will affect my relationship in a negative way.

Will these desires completely disappear if I quit porn?

Is there a big difference between getting aroused by something and actually wanting to try it in real life (is the arousal itself a sign that you want to try it)?

Are there people who have weird fetishes but don't end up actually trying them in real life and are also pretty satisfied with their sex life?

[Sofi]

Hi xtr, don’t worry about your English, it’s great.

It’s actually not necessarily true that the more someone watches porn the more they drift into “extreme stuff”. Plenty of people consume sexual media that you’re considering “vanilla” and stick to that. Either way, it’s not morally right or wrong to watch more niche categories on mainstream sites, although there are general problems with mainstream porn. You can read more about that and how it often affects people in real life here:
Sex on Screen: Reality-Checking Mainstream Porn

There’s also so much for us to talk about here, but instead of overwhelming you with information right away, let’s try to address just one or two things first and take it from there.

To answer this question: “Is there a big difference between getting aroused by something and actually wanting to try it in real life (is the arousal itself a sign that you want to try it)?”
Yes, it’s very common for people to get aroused by types of sexual media and fantasies that they don’t actually want to do in real life and/or never do. That’s why it’s so important to be able to separate fantasies from reality and porn from real sex. They’re not the same thing and while sexual media and fantasies can be a great way to connect with and explore your sexuality, it’s important to understand that that’s just what they are.

We don’t often use the terms ‘kink’ or ‘fetish’ here because they’re honestly overused and usually don’t apply when people use them. A lot of what people call a kink or a fetish is just a sexual preference. We don’t believe there are “weird fetishes” either as we also don’t use the word ‘weird’ to describe sexual preferences.

A question I want to ask you that will help us continue this conversation is: why do you think you will have to give up exploring your sexual interests just to be in a relationship?

[xtr]

sorry for replying late

To answer your question: I don't think I'll have to give up exploring my sexual interests just to be in a relationship, I believe if I get into a relationship these fantasies will emerge and cause conflict, because most likely my partner wont be comfortable with them and might even think that I'm some sort of a deranged lunatic or something

I fear this might happen because this has happened to me before when me and my two friends (just regular platonic friends from school) were talking about the stuff we are into and when I started talking about my stuff, they got really uncomfortable and even called me filthy (they weren't mad at me or anything it was like a light hearted comment)

Sorry for using misleading terms, I was just using common words you'll find on the internet. I'm not really aware of the etymology behind these terms or how they are used in professional spaces, I'm happy to learn though

[char]

Hi xtr. No worries, take your time! We understand that there are timezone differences between us volunteers/staf and those who come here for support.

I'm sorry to hear that your friends jokingly called you filthy when you shared your fantasies with them. It can definitely feel like not just a rejection to your sexual interests, but also a part of you as a person. I discussed this with another volunteer, Latha, and we agreed that the reason some people (friends or partners) reacted negatively could be because there's this implicit expectation that they have to vibe with it and want to take part--even though it's untrue. You are as entitled as they are to your fantasies; and simply telling other people doesn't mean you expect and force them to like the same things as you do. There's a tendency for people to show fear and/or disgust towards things that they don't understand, but this can be modified through learning and understanding. I hope your friends were able to understand that sexuality comes in a lot of ways.

You've mentioned that there are two outcomes regarding your future partner and your fantasies. Either you have to "suppress" your fantasies while dating another person who doesn't share them and shames you, or you go through lengths looking for someone who shares your fantasies and doesn't judge you for having them. What if it wasn't exactly the case, and things are less black and white as they seem? For instance, a partner can find your fantasies off-limits for physical sex if you told them, but they wouldn't mind engaging with it with you in non-physical ways, like sexting. Further, you're not obligated to tell your partner about your fantasies in the beginning of your relationship if you don't want to. While it helps to be honest, those fantasies can be something you can continue engaging with privately, or something you'll only bring up later in the relationship if you see fit. Not to mention that people's interests can change over time. All in all, you should be with a partner who is understanding and doesn't make you feel like you have to hide some parts of you. Do you get what I mean?