Can't get there with boyfriend

[teen2000]

Hey all,
I am starting to get sexually active with my boyfriend, this is my first time doing so. I'm a virgin, and i've found that even inserting one finger into my vagina hurts and is uncomfortable. I'm concerned because I can orgasm when I masturbate, but I haven't been able to orgasm with him. We've tried a lot of things outside of vaginal intercourse and anal, and I've gotten wet and I'm aroused, but I can't even get to a close feeling. We've taken a lot of time of him focusing on trying to make me orgasm and it just isn't working.
I don't want him feeling bad about not being able to make me orgasm, since he's able to every time. I keep trying to make sure he knows I'm still happy about being intimate with him, but I'm afraid this might start affecting his mental health about not being good enough.
Any tips or thoughts??
Thank you!

[Sam W]

Hi teen2000,

It sounds like this situation is a bit stressful for both of you, although you've both been experimenting and communicating when you're being sexual together, which is awesome. When you tell your boyfriend that you're enjoying being sexual with him even when orgasm doesn't happen, how does he respond?

What you're experiencing is a pretty common situation, so much so that we've got an entire article about it: The Great No-Orgasm-from-Intercourse Conundrum . You mention that you do orgasm when you masturbate. Have you tried having your boyfriend replicate the things you do when you masturbate? If so, how has that gone?

[teen2000]

Hi teen2000,

It sounds like this situation is a bit stressful for both of you, although you've both been experimenting and communicating when you're being sexual together, which is awesome. When you tell your boyfriend that you're enjoying being sexual with him even when orgasm doesn't happen, how does he respond?

What you're experiencing is a pretty common situation, so much so that we've got an entire article about it: The Great No-Orgasm-from-Intercourse Conundrum . You mention that you do orgasm when you masturbate. Have you tried having your boyfriend replicate the things you do when you masturbate? If so, how has that gone?

Thank you for your quick response! When I tell him, he says that he knows, but I'm still worried that he's taking it too personally.
Per the second question, when I masturbate I can orgasm very quickly from just clitoral stimulation alone. We've tried that multiple times, and it just isn't working. I've even tried masturbating next to him, and it took much longer to orgasm than when I masturbate alone. I can't describe the feeling right, but I almost feel like my vagina and clitoris go numb when he touches them. I really don't know what to do.

[Sam W]

You're welcome! I think at a certain point your best bet is to take him at his word and figure that if his feelings about the situation chance, he'll let you know (unless you feel like he's saying he's okay but otherwise acting like he's not, and we can talk about how to approach that if that's the case).

If you and he are trying the same types of stimulation that you use when you masturbate alone, it may be that this has more to with other factors. For instance, are you in a similar headspace when you're with him as when you masturbate by yourself, or do you notice it being different? Are there things about the environment that differ (for example, does your room feel more private or secure, does his bed somehow feel less comfortable to be on, things like that)?

Something you'll see us recommend often for people who are having trouble reaching orgasm is to actually dial down their focus on orgasm for a bit and instead focus on doing other things that are highly pleasurable. That takes the pressure off, which makes the experience even better for everyone and can, sometimes, mean that orgasm is more likely to occur. Is that something you and he could experiment with, or are already experimenting with?