I’m just beginning, but I’m kinda old

[Violetgraceful]

I’m currently 18 years old and I’m at the moment very frustrated with my sexual lifestyle and I am looking for some outside information that will guide me into learning the information I need.

I’ve had two sexual partners in the past, and I don’t know if what I’m experiencing is called pleasure or if what I am feeling feels good or not. I have only masturbated a couple of times, and of course this would mean that I do not have a lot of information about what feels good to me or what I enjoy, even when I spend intimate time with my boyfriend who asks me what feels good and what doesn’t. Frankly, I just have no idea.

I’ve tried masturbating only a couple of times, and very quickly within the first minute I become discouraged because I don’t know if I’m aroused or if I am experiencing desire, and I just don’t know if what I am feeling is just hands in my business or if I am actually enjoying it. Also, I’ve done research and I’m just left with questions on if the clitoris is supposed to hurt or be overly sensitive when first starting to pleasure myself. Talking over it with my boyfriend, he explained that when he first started masturbating as a teenager and when he doesn’t for a little while, getting back into it can be kind of painful, but once he climaxes and continues on a regular basis he feels more pleasure. I don’t know if this means that this part of my body is just sensitive because it hasn’t been used or another reason.

I would love some guidance on this issue so I can begin to feel more pleasure as I start to please myself and also when I engage with my boyfriend, since I feel like I’ve been missing out on a part of my life; I want to be able to experience the pleasure and climax that normal people experience and I am stuck in a rut trying to figure out how to do that.

[Siân]

Hi Violetgraceful

Welcome to the boards!

First off, I think you're being hard on yourself when you talk about what "normal" people experience that you don't. Every person's sexuality is different and really, I don't think you're in an unusual place - especially for your age. Figuring out what we enjoy and feel turned on by is a gradual, ongoing process for plenty of people.

On to your specific questions then. Sex (including with ourselves) needn't be painful. Different people have different levels of sensitivity and enjoyment of different things, and it may be that you don't enjoy direct stimulation to the glans of your clitoris unless you're already highly aroused - or at all. That's ok! Maybe focus on other kinds of sensations/body parts.

Really though, I think that the first step for you is around recognising pleasure. So thinking about non-sexual things, what can you come up with where you're feeling pleasure? A backrub? A dance? Your favourite food? Take a read through this: I Feel Good: Pleasure and Fulfillment what does it make you think about?