how to address stolen sex toys

[step22]

Hi! First-- thanks so much for this forum. I'm a stepmom to 3 teens and my partner and I have recently noticed that 3 of our sex toys have gone missing. Vanished. This is not covered in any of my step-parenting books... any advice??? We don't want to shame anyone about sexuality (including us!) but I have to admit, this is not something I feel prepared to talk about with the kids!

[Siân]

Hi!

So not knowing about the dynamics of your family, I don't know whether any of this is best coming from you or coming from your partner. Either way, I suggest that having them all together and having a straightforward "hey, our sex toys have gone missing, it's fine to be curious but we don't steal in this family" type conversation. I'd emphasise that the issue is not that they might be interested in sex, it's taking things without asking. Explicitly referring to sex toys, rather than "things" serves to reduce the shame around that side of it. You can also say that sex toys are not an appropriate thing to share because of the risk of STI's - they need condoms/sterilisation, an opportunity to discuss safer sex! - and because not everyone feels comfortable with it - an opportunity to discuss consent! Personally, I'd try to make space with each of them individually in the coming weeks to talk about anything that comes out of this more privately, and to reinforce that they are loved, cared about and respected.

Also, this could be a great opportunity to start talking more openly about sexuality and relationships in your family - if that's not something you're already doing. We've got a series aimed at the parents and carers of young people called Scarleteen Confidential that you might like to check out. You can also encourage them to read our site and look for other resources to figure out some of this stuff for themselves. How does all of that sound to you?