My Body and Attractivness to Others

[Lazy_Isopod]

Hello to anyone that is reading. I am a 19 year old male in college. I am six foot and 303 lbs and I have been struggling with my weight for a while. I am not gaining a ton of weight all at once, but some here and there. I was 280 lbs about 6 months ago. I was on a Slimgenics Diet in approximately 7th grade and it was successful. I lost 30lbs, but obviously I gained all that back and then some as I got older. I have been struggling to find myself attractive forever. I feel like I am not attractive to most people, especially when I see my roommate and others (I currently live in a dorm) find females that find them attractive.

A little bit of a back story, I used to play football from 4th grade to about 8th grade. I was pretty good, I played on the line as a gaurd, nosetackle, and a tackle on both sides of the ball. I was always looked at to be that big guy on the field. I pretty much always have been "husky" as my mom says. I have always been that big guy anywhere I went. I honestly like how I wear my weight though. I wear it pretty well. I don't look like I weigh 300lbs I guess. I recently had to go buy pants at a store that only sells bigger guys stuff. I guess you would say "Plus sized"??? My pants previously stopped fitting me. I felt bad for going there and spending a lot of my dad's money on a couple pairs of pants.

I have been struggling with seeing everyone around me (which is decently sized and on the skinnier side guys wise) get females and get girlfirends and have hookups and what not. It makes me feel like I am not attractive to anyone at all. I feel like people judge me before they actually talk to me because of my weight. I feel like I never get a chance due to the way I look. I am a mixed man (black and white) but people see me as black. I currently go to a prodominately white college in the upper mid-west. There are not a lot of black people here and I am sort of used to that because I grew up in a rich-white Republican suburb of Minneapolis. I tend to gravitate towards white girls mostly, although I am very open to anybody else. I feel like my weight combined with my weight make me unattractive towards females. I am a very social person and I am easy to strike up a conversation with.


My roommate looks like a holister modle with sort of a dad bod. We are both on Tinder and I have only got 12 matches and only two of those matches replied for a couple of short sentences. He has had about 400 matches and he has gotten 16 in the past week. I know I should not be comparing myself to him or anyone for that matter, but I cannot help it. I am also not the guy to say that girls are only numbers either. I appreciate every girl and what they put on the table. I have only had one girlfriend for a year and four months, until she cheated on me for a month and then broke up with me over the phone after writing a five page letter about how I was fat and not good enough. Yea that still hurts.

I want a relationship and I am struggling to find myself attractive and I am struggling to find anyone that finds me attractive. How do I do that? How can I approach a female without being overly conscience? I am trying to be myself around everyone and I am pretty good at that, although I do not know who to go to really if I want to discuss this stuff with someone.

Thank you for reading this super long paper, and any advice or comments is greatly appreciated.

[Arasia]

I will let the pros address your full post, but I do have a suggestion. If possible, it might be helpful for you to set up an appointment with a dietitian. A good dietitian can help guide you through the struggle of health, weight, and body image. Most of the diets out there are not good for you (plus, they aren't fun), and a dietitian (contrary to the name) can give you all sorts of helpful info, none of which involves going on a miserable diet. Many college campuses offer dietitian services through student health.

[Jacob]

Hi again!

It sounds like you are having a rough time. I can see why you felt you needed to say the following thing:

I am also not the guy to say that girls are only numbers

Because as I was reading, I did notice how often you were mentioning the numbers of women that other people had matched with on tinder. I also saw how you talked about women as 'females' which always reminds me of wildlife documentaries; "the male orangutan approaches the female", and mention "getting" girls. A lot of that implies that you are objectifying. I'm also getting a really clear impression of how down and negatively you feel about yourself and I feel for you really deeply.

I think it can be hard to recognise objectification when we feel so down about ourselves, and objectification is usually something we talk about in terms of sexist men making themselves feel superior, even if we can see that some of the things we are saying sound odd, and feel the need to say that we appreciate women.

The thing is, objectification of others can also be part of our negative self-talk. When we already feel bad about ourselves, we can see women and their choices as proof of our lowly state of being. They remain 'things' to acquire, even if that thought is used predominantly to beat yourself up.

But this isn't what dating or relationships should be about, and in the long run it can be really harmful.

From what I'm reading, you are making attractiveness into a very central part of your mental health which puts incredible pressures on you and undoubtedly would for anyone you did date.

I think the place to put your focus is the low regard you hold yourself in and the amount of pain that is causing you. I am certain that it comes from a deeper place.

I also saw in your other thread that you are into poetry and were worried that it would be stigmatised. I actually think poetry can be one of the most powerful ways to to address this.

Have you considered looking for poetry or creative writing classes on campus?

[Lazy_Isopod]

I am sorry, I did not mean to be objectifying. That was not my intention at all. I think I used those terms to try to get my point across, but it did not really work. As for the poetry/ creative writing classes, I would like to do that, but I do not know if I can with my major. It might just be adding onto my work load. I don't really think I would enjoy it if I had specific parameters for my poems. I like to write what is coming off my head.

I want to love someone who also loves me back. I don't think women are a thing to acquire, thank you for helping me clear that up.

[Heather]

Hey there, Lazy_Isopod. I'm wondering how much, if any, you've read from people of size FOR, or positively about, people of size? There are some good books out there to counter fatphobia, including some fatphobia you've no doubt internalized, and that can probably give you a boost when it comes to your body and self-image. It sucks to feel unattractive because of the idea that your body is just plain wrong (and it isn't), and it's also all too easy to project those hard feelings outward. Not only will you undoubtedly feel better if you can claim your own body as awesome right at the size it's at, but if and when you can, it will tend to send that message out to others better, too.

As some places to start, in case you need them, I'd suggest:
• You Have the Right to Remain Fat, by Virgie Tovar
• FAT!SO? : Because You Don't Have to Apologize for Your Size, by Marilyn Wann
• Big Big Love, Revised: A Sex and Relationships Guide for People of Size (and Those Who Love Them), by Hanne Blank (Hanne is one of my oldest and dearest friends, and this book is so great)
• The Body Is Not an Apology: The Power of Radical Self-Love, by Sonya Renee Taylor

[Heather]

By the way, if you feel like talking with another big guy who has grappled with some of this is a thing that'd help you out, my SO would be happy to pop in and gab a little with you. Holler at me if that's a thing that sounds good and I'll let him know.

[Jacob]

I hope I didn't come across as too mean! I know you were just trying to get across feeling low... I just wrote what I wrote about objectification to try and help with that.

With creative writing classes, it doesn't always have to be academic in format. Sometimes poetry circles can be more therapeutic and allow you to write whatever you like. It's just a matter of finding what there is... it would be great if body image, and feeling attractive and sexy could be something that writing could help you reach.

I just want to add that, I think what Heather added to this thread is really valuable too, because plenty of us find folks attractive of all different shapes and sizes... and it's such a shame that we see so little of that reflected in media.

[Lazy_Isopod]

Hey guys, I really want to thank you for the advice. Heather, I would like to talk to that person you were mentioning. I love reading and I will definitely check those out. I don't have the time to read very much currently, but I will try. I have never really read any books about bodies or anything like that, I am more of a dystopian/apocalyptic book type person.
Jacob, I took it a little harsh, but that is a good thing. I find a lot of body types attractive, yet I do not find my own body very attractive. It kind of sucks that we don't see larger men or women in the media currently. About the poem circle. I do not know if there is any around me, but I will search for one in the near future. We must all release somehow and the poems that I create are part of my release. That is also why I journal. Writing something down physically gets it off your mind. It does not even have to make sense. I use fountain pens to express myself on paper and I suggest that you guys try it too. You can get them for pretty cheap. Just let me know and I will give you guys recommendations!

[Heather]

I am 200% here for your book preferences. In fact, I am literally looking at a pile of four new feminist dystopias waiting for me to dig into on my desk. That said, I think you could benefit a LOT from reading some body-positive fat politics, so I do hope you can find one or more of those books. I'm looking forward to their impact on how you think about yourself.

I've let my partner know, so expect him to show up sometime in the next day!

[Bigman]

Hi there! I’m Heather’s SO. Yeah, I’m a big man. I’ve gotten bigger over the years, mostly related to issues of health and stress and just basic issues dealing with my mental health (using food as a coping mechanism, “thanks Mom. Yes, I would like another bowl of ice cream to make me ‘feel better.’”)

Looking back to my teen years, I wasn’t always big, but I always felt ‘fat’ and never good enough in the looks department mainly because I didn’t look like everyone else.

Now I’m at my biggest at 5’11” pushing 280lbs. But here’s the thing. I like being a “big man”. In fact, there’s a ‘club’ of big men. Did you know that? It’s kind of an unspoken club and some of us know we’re in it while some of us don’t. How do I know who else is in the 'big man club’? It’s usually a head nod and a “what’s up.” It’s amazing how empowering a little acknowledgment that this dude walking towards me is dealing with the same issues as I am. Yeah, shopping for clothes sucks and trying to squeeze my big self into a crowded train car is annoying. But, I also often get to sit with no one sitting next to me. Sure thing, I don’t mind if you stand so we don’t rub up against each other while we head downtown.

And, here’s the hard thing to really understand (It took me years, and, even then, it seems like all of media is aligned against me):

My size is my size. It’s who I am but it doesn’t define me. And anyone who has issues with my size or thinks I need to be skinnier or that I’m not healthy or sexy or just plain old not the Mr. Fantastic that I am does NOT deserve anything I have to offer.

Did you know that big men make better lovers? I wholeheartedly believe this. And it’s backed by science! https://www.rebelcircus.com/blog/men-wi ... nce-finds/ We’re more sensitive, more attentive and more appreciative than your average Holister-model Joe. And, believe me, there are plenty of women out there that don’t give a rats ass about your size and much more prefer your humor and your wit and your caring nature. Dude. You write poetry. POETRY. If that ain’t the language of love and wooing (I have a good friend that fell in love with her current husband because of the letters he wrote in the 90s during their long-distance romance), then I don’t know what is. So, yeah, big man, if you can write poetry, you’ll have all kinds of ways to show a woman why she’s worthy of you and your attentions.

I don’t know if any of that helps. I’d be happy to gab some more if you'd like. And if I ever saw you on the street, you’d most definitely get a head nod and a “what’s up” from me.

[Lazy_Isopod]

Hey bigman! Thank you so much. I have been inspired by you and I actually laughed out loud at, "... and more appreciative than your average Hollister-model Joe." I see that I fit all of those descriptions about how sensitive, more attentive and more appreciative. I am apart of the big man club. I have accepted it before, it just does not feel like it is a good thing sometimes.

Yes I do write poetry and I am good at it. Painting the beautiful, smooth words on the white page. Would you a woman that I am into like to receive a poem from me? Is that weird if I just give a lady one? I am definitely up for chatting more (as you probably could tell, I have a lot to say).

About the being a better lover kind of thing. I DEFINETELY believe that. I was with my ex and I made her very happy in many different ways. Giving oral is my favorite. I love seeing that I am making them feel good, like I don't even need to get off if I see that I am making them happy. That is the type of guy I am I guess. Sorry to get a little graphic right there, but I am pretty sure you guys are used to it.

Thank you both a lot!

[Heather]

I'm glad the conversation with bigman is a good one for you (I thought you two would get on). I don't want to interrupt it, I'm just sticking my nose in on the gift-o-poetry question.

For sure, I would NOT give poetry to women you don't know that's about them (that tends to feel super creepy), or that's very personal about you. But I don't think it's a problem to share something that doesn't fall under those two umbrellas, so long as you feel okay doing it, including being open to a range of responses, total non-response included, you know? But on the whole, poetry is usually so personal and is a pretty big share, so you'll probably find it's something you might want to save for people in your life you at least have some pre-established connection of some kind with first.

[Bigman]

Glad my words inspired you! You said something that stuck out to me:

...it just does not feel like it is a good thing sometimes.

For me, the only time it doesn't feel good is when I have to haul my fat ass up a flight of stairs because the elevator at work is broken, again. Or shopping for clothes that are most definitely not designed with my size in mind (or the big and tall fashions that make me feel like a hip-hop artist from the 90s). Or the airline seats that are designed for maximizing the amount of "average" size people. Basically, the only time it doesn't feel good is when the world doesn't take into consideration that every person out there is not 5'9" and 199lbs. My point is that it's not you that doesn't feel like it's a good thing. It's everybody else not realizing how good of a thing it is, know what I mean?

Regarding the random acts of poetry, I definitely second Heather. Think of your words as a gift to be treasured. You need to find the people that will treasure them.

[Lazy_Isopod]

Hey Heather and Bigman, I thought that too about the poetry thing. I don't really share my poems often, especially the dark ones, but I think if I find the person special to me, I will share it. I know exactly what you mean about the airline seating thing. Once I had to sit on the window seat with a big 6'4" guy in a suit sat next to me, and he was sweaty. My legs were like closed and I had to point them to the right. I was all the way back in my seat and my hips were touching the backrest and my knees were still touching the seat in front of me! Gosh, Places are not really built for us! I have only been to a big and tall store once and I got jeans and pants. They fit nicely and look good. I think I need to switch my style of in the shirt section.

Also, do you have a problem sweating? I sweat a lot. I am a hot person, and most deodorants and antiperspirants don't work. I sweat through shirts like butter, and it is embarrassing to me. I have gotten comments like, "why do you sweat so much? You are sweating so much!" I have been to the dermatologist and they literally gave me this stick that had some chemical on it, but it did not do anything!!! The only other option that they gave me was to get botox injections, and I am not about to pay $400 a session multiple times a year for it. I use body powders and they help a lot on my nether region. Any suggestions Bigman? I think that you go through something similar. And btw it does not matter what season it is either, even -20 F.

[Bigman]

Hey there.

I’ve pretty much resigned myself to being in places and spaces that are not designed to accommodate my needs. So you know what I do? I claim my space as I need to. No, I don’t want the booth seat. Yes, bro, you’ll have to stop the man spreading and close your skinny-ass legs if you don’t want to push up against my fat thigh on this train. I’m not a jerk about it but I also don’t apologize for it. Yes, be kind and courteous and as accommodating as you can. But never, ever make yourself small to fit into a world constrained by the designs of businesses that try to squeeze the most out of the “average” person. Be Yo Big Bad Self. In all that you do. Do you think Charles Barkley tries to make himself small?

As for sweating, yeah, I sweat. And I fart and smell and huff and puff and all the things my body does because that’s what bodies do! Next time someone mentions your sweating, you could try just answering them, “that’s right, baby. Because I’m a furnace. And I burn, baby. I burn.”

Okay. Maybe not all that. I can see Heather rolling their eyes right about now

My point is this. Be you. Because you can’t be anyone else and no one else is you.

Thank you, by the way, for chatting with me. Sharing my words with you empowers me.

[Lazy_Isopod]

Hey!

I am so with you on the living in a small world thing. And I laughed out loud at the burn baby, I burn! You are very good at empowering other people Bigman! I say you should tell the world, do a ted talk or something like that. One of my favorite poems is from a ted talk actually. To this day by Shane Koyczan. Look at that on youtube and watch the Ted Talk version. It is so beautiful and perfect, I could not put it in any better words myself. I love that poem and sometimes I listen to it multiple times a week. Gosh, I love poetry. I would like to share my poetry with you if that is alright. I know that this is not really the place for it, so is it possible if I could dive you my email? Or you give me yours? I would enjoy talking to either or both of you! I just don't know how long this thread can be without being annoying to others.

[Heather]

(Just FYI, as is stated in our user registration agreement, personally identifying information, like email addresses, is not something we allow users to share. That's just something important we do to help protect everyone here from harassment and other big yucks. Sorry about that, but them's the rules. You're certainly welcome to share poetry here, people have before, but we also obviously understand if that makes you feel too vulnerable.

You can keep this thread going as long as you like, though. No one is forced to read anything they don't want to on our boards, so you really can't annoy others with your own threads in the way you're thinking. )

[Bigman]

Nice! I’ll definitely check out that Ted Talk.

And like Heather said. We can chat here and make this thread as long as we want. This is most definitely a safe place for big men to have a big chat thread. no need to make ourselves small.

Is there anything else you want to chat about? I’m as available as I can be. Keep in mind I’m no professional. I’m just a big dude with an attitude. hahahaha! A little poetry for you.

[Lazy_Isopod]

Okay, that is totally fine. I did not know about that actually. As for anything that I want to talk to talk about, I want to talk about hobbies. What do you or heather do for hobbies? I also like photography a lot, although I do not have a good camera, but I like to take pictures. What kind of music do you guys listen to??

[Bigman]

Hi L_I - I'm sporadic with my hobbies. But Heather and I cook and listen to music. And Heather plays and sings while I listen. I like photography too, but usually only with my iphone. I used to play video games, but they're a giant time suck and my TV broke so no more PS3 for me. Although I'd love to play the new CoD Black Ops 4! I'm a big TV watcher. Oh, and I take acting classes!

I listen to a lot of 80s alternative, some 90s grunge and classic rock. I've been listening to Bob Marley and the Wailers of late. But, really, just about anything unless it's really commercial pop, of which I am not a fan. Wanna know a secret? I have a playlist with 5 songs that I listen to every morning. The two that get me going are Roar and Firework by Katy Perry! Something about singing "I am a lion and you're gonna hear me roar oh oh oh oh or!" gets me jazzed for the day. What about you?

[Lazy_Isopod]

Hey Bigman, I am sorry to hear that your tv broke! I have an Xbox one, but I started on the PS3 And before that the Wii, and before that the Game Cube! Gosh I miss those days! What kind of acting do you like to do??? And that is funny about the Katy Perry song! I sing along with that too!

I used to sing in a choir for school and an after school choir, but not anymore. I wish I could sing really good, but it is only certain songs I can sing like Somebody Like You by Adele. I love to sing and I can match other people's pitch pretty well. I used to be a tenor in seventh grade choir and I loved using my falsetto voice for that, but damn puberty half a year later put me down to bass! Now I can sing super low and my throat actually vibrates a ton now. I try to go into my falsetto now, but it is hard and I can only do it on certain songs. I like singing in it a lot more, but I guess I just have to get used to it! I am currently teaching myself Bass Guitar, but that is back at home four hours away from me currently. I also have a Tenor Sax that I have promised myself that I would learn soon but of course, I have not even started really.

As for music, this is going to sound cliché, but I enjoy everything! From classic rock, heavy metal, screamo, grunge, punk to reggae, soul, blues, folk, classical, techno, rap, German accapella, EDM, Dubstep and everything inbetween. My favorite artist is Neil Young, and my favorite song by him is Old Man. I love most all of his songs though, he is an artistic master, the grandfather of rock and roll. Another favorite of mine is Gordon Lightfoot, a Canadian folk singer who is just so good at writing beautiful songs.

[Bigman]

I started on my friends Atari 2600.

I love singing too, but I'm terrible. I used to sing to my daughter when she was younger. Johnny Cash. John Lennon. The Beatles. But now she just says, "Dad, please stop."

What's German Acapella? My son is into screamo, emo and nightcore. Anything really that annoys his friends.

Wow! Neal Young! For some reason that surprises me. And Gordon Lightfoot. you really are eclectic. I'd love to hear a mashup of some Bring Me The Horizon and Gordon Lightfoot (heh heh).

Katy Perry is the best.

I studied acting for a long time, then moved away from it into stagecraft then filmmaking then advertising. I recently came back to it a year ago. I did a scene study class this summer and did a scene from Othello. I'm a big Shakespeare fan. I also like David Mamet as well as absurdist theater like Eugene Ionesco.

[Lazy_Isopod]

I do have an eclectic taste in music actually. Most people my age are not really into the good type of storytelling music such as Gordon Lightfoot's Edmund Fitzgerald. I hope your kids are doing well! I think that I will be that kind of dad too, where I just sing to my children folk and rock. I really also love Beyonce and Arethra Franklin, Jennifer Hudson is wonderful too. I love powerful voices!
Have you read Shakspeare's The Tempest? I really enjoy that play a lot. I also love August Wilson's Fences. That is one of the most powerful plays that I have seen and read. Going through English class was always odd because it seemed like I was always the only one enjoying the plays that we would read, or the poetry that we would express.


I am currently taking sociology and we are talking about gender and sexuality this week. I actually love sociology because I took it in high school, and I thought it was incredibly interesting! My high school's social studies curriculum was more conversation based and it was wonderful as a whole. I just have a question about you and your kids, how did you dress them or how did you identify which toys they were going to play with or are playing with? Did you even have a preference? What colors did you choose? My friends and I had an incredible conversation about this yesterday and it really had me thinking. One of my suite mates here is from Denmark, he got a full ride scholarship for shotput. We were also talking with him about all of it and asking his opinion on everything including sexuality, gender, trans, and more. He said they accept everyone and there is a big thing that has been put into the school systems that no matter who you are, or what you look like, you as a child have to and must feel accepted. Also on the same sex marriage side, no matter who you are, any pastor has to marry you. This makes sense because of the churches being run by the government. I just thought that it is super interesting as a society how far behind we are in terms of equality. We like to say that we are a "melting pot" and that we are "free" and that is mostly not true because only five years ago we legalized same sex marriage. The government was even breaking the law bringing church into state. They are not supposed to bring in church because that is the whole reason why we came over to North America is to get away from Great Britain's Monarchy that included the catholic church. They used the bible to say that marriage is between a man and a woman, breaking their own law... That was ruled unconstitutional. Sorry for my tangent, but I find this insanely interesting in studying the inequality of America.