My FTM boyfriend doesn’t want to have sex anymore.

[ftmxoxo]

So, me and my boyfriend are both FTM trans men. We have always had a great sex life, it’s always been new and exciting and for the most part we were always fixed on eachother. Recently (a couple of days ago) we were having sex and I topped and then he wouldn’t top. I just accepted it because his needs are something I look to satisfy.
Although this has happened before and it’s been 2 and a half months since I’ve felt any kind of sexual contact from him. So I got upset and didn’t want to talk to him because I had no explanation for this sudden change other than he wasn’t sexually attracted to me.
Through talking he explained that his sexual desire dies out through a relationship and he just rarely gets horny. This came as a surprise to me because he has always initiated sexual talk or contact but I respect that. He also says it’s linked to his dysphoria which obviously I can respect and understand.
The problem is I view sex as something I want in a relationship. It’s something I enjoy but it’s mainly the purest form of intimacy with someone I love and I’ve learnt not to be ashamed of the fact that I want my sexual needs fulfilled.
So this is where it gets difficult

How in the world do I work around this? Obviously convincing him to have sex is off the table because that’s non consensual and not something I think is right. So that leaves two options.
1, I compromise everything I want and never feel fulfilled.
Or,
2, we open up the relationship. However he has made it very clear that he doesn’t want this and I’m so in love with him that I have no idea if I would ever be able to have sex with someone else.

Can anyone please help? - T

[Sam W]

Hi ftmxoxo.

It sounds like this situation is pretty difficult for you, and maybe for him as well. The tricky thing is that sometimes people can be a really good match for each other in a bunch of ways, but be incompatible when it comes to their sexual needs, wants, and boundaries, and it sounds like that may be what's going on here.

Have you and he talked about this anymore after the initial conversation? If so, how have those conversations gone?

Too, if he's not interested in opening up the relationship, and he's not interested in continuing to be sexual, that doesn't leave you a lot of options and it may be that the kindest thing the two of you can do for each other is break up, as much as that may suck. There isn't a ton of middle ground between "I'm no longer interested in sex" and "sex is an important aspect of relationships to me," and staying in a relationship where that mismatch is occurring tends to lead to a lot of negative emotions for everyone involved.

[ftmxoxo]

Hi Sam.

Thank you for your response!
Yes, we have followed up on the initial conversation and he has expressed that sex would be something he would only "be up for" when he wants or can be bothered. This kind of hurts but ive deemed that feeling too selfish I guess.I dont want to leave him and when I tried to talk to him about how I felt he called me shallow for wanting to find a compromise or for saying that the relationship has a chance of not working because of the impossible dynamic. Im stuck in a rut of wanting to stay with the person im in love with, setting aside my own feelings and needs on top of then feeling awful about myself in a few months/years when the feelings crop up again.


He expressed further that I broke his heart by bringing up the compromise that is completely natural in some relationships of opening up the relationship for sexual purposes not emotional, this has put me in an impossible circumstance of two options.

1, We break up and I go on heartbroken on top of feeling shitty because in his eyes is hould be able to put aside the fact im a 'horny teenager' if I really loved him.

or,

2, I put aside my sexuality and needs to make him happy but still have that longing in the back of my mind.


I just dont want to continue something if I truly believe, and as he has stated, it is a good possibility that further on in the relationship this will cause fights and distance.

[phantomdog]

it doesn't sound like he's being very fair to you at all and some of his rhetoric is a bit toxic as well. however, it's important to keep in mind, like sam said, that there's really no middle ground between both of your needs; you shouldn't have to repress your natural human sexuality by any means, and he shouldn't have to have sex if it is an issue for him. it sounds like you're respecting his needs more than he is yours, and that's definitely a problem. that being said, it's important to bear in mind that being in love with someone and our feelings towards them don't dismiss their capacity to be inflexible / toxic / not good matches for us. at this point, leaving the relationship would probably be the best option to meet both of your needs. it won't be easy by any means but it's best to do it now before the issue festers and becomes something very toxic and detrimental to the both of you.

[Sam W]

Phantomdog covered a lot of good points, and I want to add one more into the mix. Right now it sounds like he's framing your desires as not only less important, but dismissing them because he's treating the desire for sex as something that's less noble than the desire not to have sex. There's a common narrative that sexual desire is the lowest form of desire, and that people should be able to move past their desire to be sexual in a relationship if they truly love another person. But from what we know about how relationships work, sexual compatibility often plays a big role in the sustainability of the relationship (not to mention the happiness of the people involved), and sometimes couples with differing levels of interest in sex can find a dynamic that works for them. Right now I see all the focus being on his happiness when he, or you, talks about this, which isn't going to be a sustainable dynamic going forward. Does that make sense?

I'd also try to reframe this for yourself as not about you ending things because you're a "horny teenager" (is that a dismissive term you apply to yourself, or one he applies to you?), but rather because there's an incompatibility in the relationship that can't be resolved. Relationships end for that reason all the time, be it an incompatibility in beliefs about something important or in something like sexual needs, and no one is really to blame when they do. And, while ending it may suck, it frees both of you up to find partners who are a better match for each of you.