Friends with Benefits after sexual assault

[Jess@888]

I was attracted to one of my coworkers and I always wanted to kiss him when I was ready. Finally, yesterday I told him that I wanted to make out, and he said he will if he receives head. I accepted that since it was fair. As he wanted me to give me head, which was consensual. I started to have flashbacks when my ex raped me. I pushed all catatonic feelings to continue pleasing him. We did not have sex however he did insert his tip into my vagina and he fingered me before we did. The pain did hurt but it did feel good. I got high and made out a few times. I feel numb due to the circumstances that happened and is that normal when dealing with sex after rape?

[Sam W]

Hi Jess,

I'm sorry that this experience has left you feeling kind of numb. Sexual experiences after sexual assault vary from survivor to survivor (and from instance to instance for individual survivors). Having flashbacks or feeling numb are common reactions, although they can be a sign that you might be pushing yourself to be sexual too quickly, or that you need to work with a partner to figure if there are boundaries that help keep that numbness or those flashbacks at bay.

With your coworker, can you give me a sense of how excited you were to engage in the activities that happened? For instance, were you excited at the idea of giving him head, or did it more feel like that was the "trade" that needed to happen in order for him to agree to kiss you? And with the manual and vaginal sex, was that something you actively agreed to in the moment?

[Jess@888]

For head, it was something as for trade. While manual sex and sex just happened but it was consensual. Plus, my coworker respected my boundaries. He had to stop because I was having flashbacks however we kept making out.

[Sam W]

Got it, I'm glad to hear he was respectful of your boundaries when you told him about them. It sounds a bit like giving oral sex is something that tends to set off your flashbacks (please correct me if I'm parsing that wrong). If you were to continue being sexual with this guy in the future, do you feel like "no giving oral sex" is a limit you'd want to set, at least for the time being, to help decrease the odds of flashbacks happening?

[Jess@888]

Yes, I agree. However, yesterday I went to another guy’s house and we became a couple due to feelings and a connection we do have for each other. I had sex with my boyfriend and it wasgoood. He respected me for not wanting oral and he was checking up on me. I had some pain since I was a virgin and it was a compassionate and passionate time I had with him. I told my FWB that I am dating someone and he has not answered back.

[Alice O]

Hey Jess99,

Hope it's ok I'm jumping in. I want to make sure I understand everything you've said, thanks for bearing with me!

On Friday you had this sexual experience with a coworker which brought back flashbacks and feeling numb. Then on Saturday you met up with another person, decided to start a relationship, and had vaginal intercourse for the first time. You then texted the coworker who you had had sex with, to communicate that you were now in a relationship, but as of this morning hadn't heard back.

Is that the right timeline? I ask because if so that sounds like a lot of intense physical and emotional things happening in a very short amount of time! I could see it feeling overwhelming. How has that pacing felt to you?

And would you like to talk more about your experience having vaginal intercourse for the first time? Or beginning a new relationship? Or navigating sex with a new partner (and in general) as you heal from sexual assault?

[Jess@888]

Yes, I would like to talk about these ghings since I am new to it.

[Heather]

Hey there, Jess. Why don't you tell us where you'd like to start in talking more about all of this? It sounds like you moved into a bunch of things very fast: as Alice asked, maybe you could start by talking about how this pacing has felt for you, particularly around common risks that are part of all this, like how when being sexual with someone in a casual way, that can mean they don't call you back?

I also want to make sure you know that this:

Finally, yesterday I told him that I wanted to make out, and he said he will if he receives head. I accepted that since it was fair.

... is actually really problematic. It actually isn’t “fair” to insist someone does something sexual like that as a trade for something else, and someone presenting sex this way would be something I would consider a red flag, especially when that someone is already a co-worker. All the more so if this person also gave you drugs (is that what happened?). Sex -- whether we're talking about being sexual with kisses or with oral sex or intercourse -- isn't something that is about trading for, or where because someone wants to do one thing, that means they owe someone something that person wants. The only reason you should be saying yes to oral sex or anything else is if that is something you feel very ready for and you want for yourself. The same is true about people saying yes to making out with you: if they don't actually want to do that, they should say no, not tell you what you need to do in exchange. I strongly suspect that this co-worker has taken advantage of you not knowing things like this, I'm afraid.

Can I ask if you have been able to read any of the books I suggested yet? I ask because it really sounds like there's a lot of information you need (and don't currently have) before it's likely to be a good idea for you to enter into sexual relationships or activities with people, or something where there are good outcomes/experiences for you.

[Jess@888]

I have not read any of the books because do I think I need to buy it which I cannot afford it. With my coworker, it feels like another sexual assault although I did things with consent. With my boyfriend, we both communicate and we both respect each other’s boundaries as he supports and loves me. He wants to have sex however he does respect my choice. However, I am open to sex because of the way he is genuine.

[Jacob]

Hi Jess99,

It's me dropping in again to give my input!

With my coworker, it feels like another sexual assault although I did things with consent.

I think it can be confusing for us when we have a verbal negotiation about sex, but it still feels like assault. I think for your healing what matters is how you feel. That's something I'm going to repeat a few times in this post!

If it felt like assault you are probably sensing instinctively something which I noticed too: It doesn't sound like sound like your co-worker was showing any care for you and your well-being, but treated your interest in him as leverage to get something he wanted.

I think there's another place where what you want and what you feel needs to be more important, when you say:

I am open to sex because of the way he is genuine.

So, I don't think sex is something that we reward people for being genuine, but rather something that you share in with partners because we want it and feel goooood about it.

It sounds like your desires and what you want has been disrespected by a number of people. That can make that voice inside us that tells us we are enjoying something, or want something, a lot harder to hear, because we have been encouraged to ignore it.

Until you are excited and filled with desire to have a type of sex with a person, then it doesn't matter how honest or genuine they are being, they are only being a loving partner to you if they promote not having sex that is unwanted. Again, your feelings, Jess's feelings and desires, come first!

How much would you say you want each, or any of the the elements of your sex life at the moment?
Or is that a difficult question to answer? (I understand that if so)

On another note: getting hold of books, you could join your local library and request them for free. I think I found the place where you can apply for a library card online if you don't already have one: https://pplc.ent.sirsi.net/client/en_US ... istration/

[Jess@888]

With my coworker, I regret having sexual things with him last Fri because of the way he was treating me. My boyfriend and I communicate about this as he wants me to enjoy it and not feel force. I was raised in a conservative Christian home which I have always been against pre martial sex however I feel comfortable having sex with my boyfriend because I love it and feels good when we do.

[Heather]

Hey there, Jess.

I feel a little bit out of the loop! Just to make sure that I'm current when we talk, can you tell me some more about this (new, right/) boyfriend? I'm so glad you're in something you enjoy and where you feel cared for. When did this relationship start? Where did you meet him, and how is the rest of the relationship going -- not just the sexual part -- so far?

[Jess@888]

I met my boyfriend when I graduated from high school then I saw him at my work as he was applying to become a delivery driver. We started to get to know each other well as we will talk to each other while I was working. He was there for me as I was there for him when we faced difficult situations. We started dating last Sat and we love spending quality time together. We both communicate effectively and respect each other’s boundaries.

[Heather]

That sounds really nice! How are you feeling about moving so fast to him being a boyfriend, and whatever agreements you two have made about that? How are you feeling about being sexual with him when it comes to your asexual identity, and when it comes to the pace being relatively fast?

[Jess@888]

My boyfriend told me he could care less about sex since he values our quality time together! With sex happening quickly, I was curious to see how I would respond and I liked it. My boyfriend wants to try oral sex which I explained that situation to him. I told him I will try it, but he told me to communicate with him if it gets uncomfortable.

[Siân]

Hi Jess,

I'm glad your boyfriend values your quality time together. Do you think it might be good to put more effort into having quality time without focusing so much on sex? I'm asking because you talked about "sex happening quickly". Sex isn't something that should just "happen" to us, it's a thing that we decide to do because we really want to.

It's good that you are talking to your boyfriend about boundaries. What would be better though, is instead of having oral sex and stopping if you feel uncomfortable you could decide not to have oral sex until you really wanted to. Not as a trade, not to make someone else happy, but because it feels really good for YOU. Does that make sense? What do you think?

[Jess@888]

My boyfriend does not care about sex just as I do. We offer our opinions however we respect each other’s boundaries. When it comes to sex, we both are romantic and make it lovely. However, we do spend more quality time and we both love that. This makes sense however we do not have issues when it comes to sex. Also, does sex affect periods since I had sex the night before I got my period?

[Heather]

Periods occur in the way that they do, and when they do, based on the whole cycle before them. Sex can't change or impact when periods arrive -- and if they do -- unless it results in pregnancy, or, less commonly, illness or (unmanaged) stress.

[Jess@888]

Ok, thank you. I was extremely stressed due to my car issues that has been kept having.

[Jess@888]

How come my coworker who wanted to be friends with benefits has been sexually harassing me? Also, my boyfriend said that he technically sexually assaulted me since I did not fully consent to oral sex, manual sex, and sex although I consented to it. I have been denying it for months as I do not want to think about it since I hated to give him head. My boyfriend and I stopped having sex as we want to wait.

[Heather]

Why don't you tell me a little more about both of these things? How is your co-worker sexually harassing you?

Also, my boyfriend said that he technically sexually assaulted me since I did not fully consent to oral sex, manual sex, and sex although I consented to it.

And with whom are you talking about engaging in those sexual activities without consent: your co-worker or your boyfriend? Can you say a little more about this, too?

You had posted about sex with your co-worker and your boyfriend at the time saying very clearly both were consensual -- even though myself and other staff suggested that it may have been consensual as you said, but that what you agreed sounded like a crummy agreement to make -- you agreed to and still seem to be saying that in this post, as well, so I'm feeling confused, and like I am perhaps missing some information.

I do want to say that my impression, so far with all your posts and sexual activities you've posted about agreeing, to have felt to me like you are probably way ahead of yourself. In other words, it's sounded to me like you are still missing a lot of information and understanding to really make it a great idea for you to be sexual with other people just yet, period. Things seem to come out of the blue super-fast, and you seem to just kind of go with them, even when things seem iffy or like it's pretty much guaranteed to be not-great for you in some way. So, my personal advice, if you want it, is that I think it is probably a good idea for you to step back from sex with people, period, until you first spend a good deal more time getting information about it, figuring out how to work all of this, particularly with special needs, and getting some more outside help doing that, like from your therapist or some of those books I suggested. I've just been concerned from the front about your safety and well-being with all of this, tbh.

[Jess@888]

When I had sex with my boyfriend, I do not regret anything except the timing part. I wish Idid wait since we had sex the first day we became a couple. With my coworker who I wanted to make out with, I do not remember much of it since I got high. However, it was consensual which I am aware however I did things that I did not feel comfortable with as I did oral sex, manual sex, and sex. After I talked to some of my friends about this, he found out ad has been harassing me since as he thinks he has more power over me since he is a trainer. The only reason why my boyfriend thinks I was sexually assaulted was that my consent was not clear however it is my fault for not being clear and directive about my intentions with my coworker.

[Heather]

I still don't have any information for you on how he has been harassing you, so I certainly also can't say why he is. But since he is your co-worker -- and it sounds like maybe also your superior -- I would advise you report any harassment to your boss. How do you feel about that?

By all means, if this person is/was your superior, and you also were under the influence, particularly if they also knew that and still chose to be sexual with you, that makes consent iffy. That's true even if -- as I recall -- you initiated some or all of what you chose to do. Not enjoying sex isn't something that really has anything to do with consent. We can consent to sex we don't like or enjoy. We can NOT consent to sex we turn out to enjoy, even. Feeling comfortable also isn't something that tells us if we gave consent or not. We can be uncomfortable even when we have consented, and even when we were the ones who initiated.

Consent isn't really about our feelings in these ways. It's about if everyone involved was in clear communication with each other, actively asking each other for permission to do things, only doing things with and in the way there is permission, and everyone having the ability to consent. Make sense?

Again, I still am concerned with how you're making some of these choices. If you want to talk about how to choose safer, sounder partners, or improve the way you're choosing, including learning to be less impulsive in your choices, I'm here for that.

[Jess@888]

Everything was consensual except the fact that my coworker wanted head. Although I said yes, I felt as I was saying yes so that we can make out. This was consensual however I do not give a clear yes as I did like my boyfriend. It was not assault since we both agreed however something about it did not feel right as I was giving him, and we had manual sex and sex...

[Heather]

Hey, Jess.

I agree, nothing in here sounds like there wasn't consent, and you don't seem to be saying you think this wasn't consensual, either. So, I'm not sure what the conversation with your boyfriend was that got him to this, but it may be you two need to resolve something around this.

That said, like I said when this happened, I thought that choosing to have oral sex you weren't really interested in so you could "get" making out that you were interested in wasn't a great choice, and that someone even presenting things that way sounded...well, flatly, like a douchebag. Like, this guy just sounds like a yucky guy.

I suspect that things not feeling right was because you didn't, in fact, feel right about them. That thing where things don't feel right like that with sex is generally the way our mind is trying to tell us to stop -- because something isn't right for us in the situation -- or change what we're doing. It sounds though, like you went ahead and did more sexual things anyway even though you didn't feel right.

Given it sounds like that was also your choice, do you want to talk about what you can do next time you are being sexual and it doesn't feel right so that you feel able to stop, and only do what DOES feel right?

If so, it might help to know if you have a sense of what gets in the way for you in these kinds of situations. Some examples of common things that make people feel like they shouldn't stop or ask to stop/change things up are things like even if something feels right emotionally, it feels good physically, concerns about being liked, concerns that if you say stop or no the other person will do you some kind of harm, or even the idea that you just don't have the right to say no, or stop, or "not right now," or anything like that with someone else sexually once you've said okay to something from the front. Some or all of those may be at play for you here, or it may be none of them. But having a sense of what you think it could be would be helpful if you want to change this moving forward. <3