Relationship Race - Feeling Stuck Last Place

[monkey 014]

Hello,

I know this is a bit off topic, but I feel stuck and desperately need some advice on relationships, and feeling behind in the relationship (dating and sex) race.

I’m twenty-three years old and haven’t seriously dated or had a relationship – I can count on one hand the number of dates I’ve ever done (most of which were this year). I’m worried that being inexperienced with dating, and having had no relationships even though I am in my mid-twenties puts me at a disadvantage with guys. I didn’t have the supposedly "typical" undergrad dumb relationships where you figure out what you like and don't like, make mistakes and learn from them so you know better and gain experience; isn’t that how one learns and grows, through experience? Because I know one doesn’t come across the person one wants to spend the rest of your life with right off the bat in your first relationship. Life doesn’t work like that. My mom has told me to not worry about guys, that the right guy would find me, and I know her heart is in the right place and she is trying to tell me not to revolve my life around a guy, and I never would, but I do want to be preemptive with guys; I don’t want to wait around for a fictional “Prince Charming” who doesn’t exist.

Ultimately, I’m afraid I am behind/lacking in the dating/relationship department (I’ve always been behind on social stuff ever since I was a kid, although my parents regret having used the term “behind” to describe my social development (A bit of background: social stuff has never come easily to me, and my parents have told me even when I was a toddler, I was always a little behind the other kids my age regarding social interaction (a la I’m now in my mid-twenties and I’m only now getting into meeting guys). I’m introverted, with a touch of social anxiety, and although I've gotten much better at walking and interacting with people, making friends and introducing myself to people has always been harder for me than it is for others. My parents since have told me they deeply regret using the term “behind” regarding me. There have been times where I’ve told my mom (who can talk to a friggin lamppost) that I would gladly trade some of my academic smarts/stupid emotional sensitivity/work ethic for social smarts and ease. Mom always tells me, “don’t say that, I wish I was more like you when I was your age, I didn’t get the grades you did, I was nowhere near as focused as you were etc.” but it doesn’t change the fact I always feel like the odd one out at gatherings, the person who has to fight to be heard (and if you do fight, you come off sounding/looking like an ass), and that everything is easier if you have social smarts. I mean, its true – there is so much in work and life that requires the social stuff, you can get through life more easily if you have that innate social gift).

I’ve only really gotten interested in dating this year, but it’s really tough to meet guys on campus. I’m in the second year of my Masters, and the social prospects are very limited; it doesn’t help that the grad. residence floor is a lot quieter than last year, and the university grad bar sucks. I’ve only been one official “date” where a guy asked me out (which happened in October), but the guy was really pompous and I felt nothing for him, so I told him I didn’t feel the spark with him, and he was OK about it. Any attempts on my part with guys have been unsuccessful – the first guy (in February) chatted me up at the bus, went on coffee date later, then he cut off communication, the second guy wasn’t interested (and looking back is really pretentious) – although he’s now changed his tune, but I’m giving off “Buddy, that that ship has SAILED” vibes, and the third guy, A., lived on the same floor as me last year, and has a reputation in his personal life as an immature guy who sleeps around (plus some drama with his ex who cheated on him with his best friend), but his attitude improved this year and some things came to light about how he was dealing with family issues last year, so I gave him a chance with a coffee date after he expressed an interest (I tend to judge people harshly, but I have been really working on that aspect of my personality, and this was one example of giving a person a second chance), and he stood me up. I just keep thinking “what is WRONG with me, do I have a big honking billboard on my forehead that screams I HAVE NO EXPERIENCE?”

To be honest, I was most comfortable with the possibility of pursuing a relationship with A. because I was attracted to him last year, but his douchiness was a completely turn off, so there was a spark there (in comparison to two guy friends my roommate suggested to me). Also, since I am in the last year of my Masters, it wouldn't have been a "serious relationship" - just the possibility of hanging out and going out for dinner/movies/dates/having sex without any stress in the last year of my Masters before moving, while still gaining relationship experience and having stress free fun while writing my thesis. I feel really comfortable in the city where I'm doing my Masters, so in my mind it is a safe environment and community to try meet someone; I will be graduating and moving in May, and I don't open up easily to people, so I feel like I'll be starting back at square one, adjusting to a new city and people. I would also be comfortable with A. because frankly, he has more sexual experience so there was a larger possibility of sex being less awkward, and more enjoyable. I didn’t even have my first kiss until last October, when I made out with a guy on the dance floor at the club where my roommate and I went dancing. And nothing since then. I feel like everyone I know has more (sexual and relationship) experience than me and it’s frustrating to feel like I’m always lagging behind everyone else. Another issue is that I have no sexual experience: at all. I didn't even figure out how to masturbate until this summer; I’m still not even sure if I orgasm or not (I think I am - Scarletteen has been real helpful!) I’m scared that when I am at that point with a guy, whether its in a relationship or if I get frustrated and take things into my own hands and plan a hookup, I’ll freeze up and the guy will be like “wait, you’ve never done this before….?” Or “YAY, A VIRGIN, I'VE HIT THE JACKPOT!” If any guy acts either way towards me, I would leave so fast their heads will spin, but I am a bit scared about potential reactions. M., who is basically my big sister, told me its not fair to myself to impose a time limit on having sex for the first time, and to not do so, but it doesn’t make me feel any better.

I guess I’m just frustrated (and horny) that the people I was interested in weren’t interested in me, that being preemptive hasn't worked, and feel like I'm lagging behind everyone else regarding dating/sex. Does anyone have any advice? Thank you for listening (sorry for rambling!, I just really need to talk to someone).

[Johanna]

Hello and welcome to Scarleteen, monkey 014. I'm glad you are finding the site helpful so far!

You know, reading your post, it really does not sound to me like there is a whole lot you still need advice on. You are already working on being more outgoing and meeting people, you are taking initiative and being open and communicative, you know what you are looking for and have realistic expectations, and you have already started making some experiences in the dating pool over the past few months. You've only become interested in exploring dating and relationships very recently, and it is perfectly normal and to be expected that it's taking you a little while to get the hang of it. Heck, even people who have been dating for a while don't hit the jackpot on every first date. You're always going to go on a few dates that won't work out, and that's okay. Those can be important experiences, too - they can help you figure out what you like and what you don't like, and sometimes they can just be fun even if they don't go anywhere.

So I think most of all what you need is just a little bit more patience. Keep doing what you're doing, and have some fun with it.

Beyond that, if you are looking for more chances to meet new people, you can look into joining a club on campus, or engaging in other extra-curricular activities that will introduce you to new people.

I'd also not worry so much right now about how a potential partner will react to hearing that you aren't very experienced. Presumably, when you bring that up it will be with someone you feel comfortable with and who's been decent and respectful towards you so far, so chances are good that it will go just fine. Certainly, there are people out there who will be jerks about something like that, but most people understand that everyone moves at their own pace, and also that experience only matters so much: sex isn't something you "learn" once and then you know how it all works. Sex is different each time and with each new partner, so to a certain extent everyone is a beginner again at the start of a new relationship. And that is part of what makes the experience so fun and exciting.