I'm not sure if I was sexually assaulted

[albinobunny]

This actually happened a couple of months ago, when I was still together with my ex. We had been together about 2 months and he was getting a bit frustrated because I was a virgin and I just didn't really feel ready yet. One night we were laying in my bed and we were kissing and cuddling. Then he told me he wanted to have sex with me, but we didn't have any condoms and I wasn't on the pill. So I told him no. We continued kissing and we did some other stuff and he started to take off my clothes and I was okay with that. I told him I still was not going to have sex with him though and he was like trying to talk me into it. At one point he even told me as a joke that he would rape me, because he was so horny, but I didn't really pay any attention to it, because he was always talking like that. Then we somehow ended up having sex even though I didn't really want it and I was really stressed out because we didn't have any protection. I told him no many times but I'm not sure if I'm just overreacting. I told him to stop because it hurt but I really didn't do anything else. Like I could have done almost anything to stop him but I didn't. I didn't even realize it could have been a sexual assault but yesterday I told my friend and she was really angry and told me it wasn't normal. I knew it was not really cool from him but I really didn't do much to stop him either, expect saying no. This happened again a couple of times but after I got used to having sex and it didn't hurt as much I kind of forgot about it.

[Sam W]

Hi albinobunny,

I'm so sorry that your ex chose to do this to you, but I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to tell a friend about it to ask for support here. That's a great step in terms of taking care of yourself.

What you're describing does match with the definition of sexual assault. You told him no many times and he continued to push past it, to the point that you ended up engaging in something sexual with him that you didn't want and weren't comfortable with (if the "somehow" of it happening involved him continuing to pressure you, that is also considered coercion). And he didn't stop when you asked him to when you were in pain. It's really common for survivors to feel like they somehow didn't do enough to stop the assault, but the fact of the matter is that the blame is entirely on him for choosing to put his desires above your boundaries (and the fact that he felt comfortable "joking" about raping you suggests that he knew exactly what he was doing). Beyond that, you can't get much more explicit than saying "no" or "stop." If a good partner hears those words, they stop immediately. If they don't, then they're making the choice to assault their partner. You were communicating clearly and he chose not to listen.

Reading all that, and given how it might be a lot to process, how are you feeling right now?

[albinobunny]

I still kind of feel like I'm overreacting. I'm just having a hard time believing it could actually happen to me.
But I'm also a little relieved maybe, because I have had a lots of issues with sex and relationships after we broke up. I just get really nervous and anxious when I think about having sex and I'm avoiding new relationships, because I would have to have sex again. I have been thinking what is wrong with me, because everybody else enjoys it. But maybe this could be the reason why I'm so afraid of it.

[Sam W]

That's a completely valid reaction to have. Sexual assault in real life so rarely looks like the standard cultural image of it that it can make it hard to process that it's something that can happen to anyone (not to mention that's an unpleasant reality to internalize, period).

The feelings you're describing around sex and relationships make a lot of sense given what your ex did. After all, your first experience with sex was actually an assault, so it's not surprising that thinking about sex, or relationships where sex could happen, is generating anxiety. There's nothing wrong with you for having that reaction (in fact, in some ways it's coming from a beneficial instinct to avoid something painful). To make sure I'm understanding you right, is part of the worry about potentially getting into new relationships coming from the feeling that there'd be no way to avoid sex once you were in that relationship?

How can we as a service best help you right now? Would you like to talk about ways of connecting to local support networks? Ways to take care of yourself? Do you just need a space to talk about and work through how you're feeling? Something else?