Feeling violated after mutual masturbation :/

[jerd_herley]

I met this guy while playing games online!
He seemed really nice at first, and we played games together for a few days. Then, he started saying really perverted things. First, I thought it was funny and I was kind of into it. We exchanged information and we ended up masturbating together over the phone. At the time, it was fun, but now I feel absolutely disgusting. It took me about thirty minutes to finish the first time, and then we started talking about random things, but then he said he was horny again. We did this over and over for two hours. I’m exhausted. I never want to hear him again. After we finished, he asked how old I was, and I found out he was 30 years old. I’m a senior in high school. I feel like my life has been turned upside down, I spent the entirety of my free time doing something I really didn’t even want to do. I feel really conflicted and I don’t know how to make myself feel better. Thanks x

[solareclipse94]

Hello jerd_herley,
I had something similar happen to me recently. I was video chatting with a guy and he wanted me to undress for him. I did and I was stupid. If you need to talk, I'm here.

[jerd_herley]

Hello jerd_herley,
I had something similar happen to me recently. I was video chatting with a guy and he wanted me to undress for him. I did and I was stupid. If you need to talk, I'm here.

Thank you for replying. I feel a lot better knowing that I’m not alone.

[Alice M]

Hi jerd_herley,

First of all, I want you to know that you didn't do anything "wrong" and that it's okay + not uncommon to feel this way after something like this happens. Finding out later that someone perhaps mislead you about their age or were not clear... that's not fun and it's also not okay. I'm sorry this happened.

One useful mechanism of feeling regret is that you're now aware of finding a line or boundary for yourself and you can keep this in mind as you go forward. Setting boundaries and limits for activities that you are or are not both comfortable and enthusiastically consenting to is really valuable.

Safer Sex...for Your Heart has some great tools for figuring out what you're needing emotionally. Would you like to peek at this list and come back with any ideas about support people in your life and how you can take good care of yourself right now (like self-care activities)?

[Heather]

I also want to add that in your first post, I'm hearing you voice clearly that you are experiencing trauma.

I want to be sure you know that even when something is consensual (though tbh, in your case, it sounds like this guy was at least a little coercive, and also misled you, which makes the consent here precarious), and even when we enjoyed something in some ways or at some point, that doesn't mean it will necessarily have been good for us, or nontraumatic. We can experience trauma even when sex of any kind is wanted and we are freely choosing to participate. If you'd like to talk about what you can do to process and manage trauma, including how to make yourself start to feel better, we can certainly do that with you.

[jerd_herley]

I also want to add that in your first post, I'm hearing you voice clearly that you are experiencing trauma.

I want to be sure you know that even when something is consensual (though tbh, in your case, it sounds like this guy was at least a little coercive, and also misled you, which makes the consent here precarious), and even when we enjoyed something in some ways or at some point, that doesn't mean it will necessarily have been good for us, or nontraumatic. We can experience trauma even when sex of any kind is wanted and we are freely choosing to participate. If you'd like to talk about what you can do to process and manage trauma, including how to make yourself start to feel better, we can certainly do that with you.

Wow. I had no idea that I could be traumatized from this. It makes a lot of sense though. I really would like to hear more about this!
I also didn’t realize it wasn’t really consensual. It felt like I was making my own decisions the whole time, but in hindsight I realize he did do some coercion. I sent him fully clothed pictures of myself and he talked about how good my body was and how “nice of a person I am” until I agreed to masturbate with him again. Thank you so much, I’ll definitely look at the list.

[Heather]

I heard you expressing that you felt tricked into being sexual in conditions you didn't know about or want. I heard you expressing that you felt violated. Both those things a) do not sound like enthusiastic consent to me and b) like ways of feeling and experiences that absolutely can cause trauma.

So, when someone has been traumatized, usually what's most basically needed from the front are a) to be sure they aren't connected to anything or anyone where the trauma is being continued or cued in any way, b) to do whatever you can do to limit/calm any stressors, c) to do a good deal of self-care, and ideally, d) some professional help, like with a counselor or other safe and qualified person who can help you work through your feelings and then help you to learn skills to manage any post-trauma. I know that something all of that -- or even any -- isn't doable (especially around the holidays if you have family obligations and with everyone's stress), but often at least some of it is. Can you do any of that for yourself right now, and/or do you want to talk through how to do any of it?

[jerd_herley]

I heard you expressing that you felt tricked into being sexual in conditions you didn't know about or want. I heard you expressing that you felt violated. Both those things a) do not sound like enthusiastic consent to me and b) like ways of feeling and experiences that absolutely can cause trauma.

So, when someone has been traumatized, usually what's most basically needed from the front are a) to be sure they aren't connected to anything or anyone where the trauma is being continued or cued in any way, b) to do whatever you can do to limit/calm any stressors, c) to do a good deal of self-care, and ideally, d) some professional help, like with a counselor or other safe and qualified person who can help you work through your feelings and then help you to learn skills to manage any post-trauma. I know that something all of that -- or even any -- isn't doable (especially around the holidays if you have family obligations and with everyone's stress), but often at least some of it is. Can you do any of that for yourself right now, and/or do you want to talk through how to do any of it?

I’ve been trying to get professional help for a while, but I don’t think my family can afford it. I can try to limit stressors by deleting the app I talked to him on, and self care would be pretty easy to do. I have a passcode diary and it helps a lot to write in it about how I feel.

[Heather]

Those all sound like good ways to try and take care of yourself right now and dial down some of the trauma: ditching the app for now, journaling and other self-care. I'm really glad you can identify some ways to care for yourself that are within reach.

In terms of counseling, do you want me to take a look in your area and see if I can find anything free or sliding scale? If so, if you can just post your zip code and give me some information on your transportation options, I would be happy to poke around for you tomorrow when I'm back at work.

[jerd_herley]

Those all sound like good ways to try and take care of yourself right now and dial down some of the trauma: ditching the app for now, journaling and other self-care. I'm really glad you can identify some ways to care for yourself that are within reach.

In terms of counseling, do you want me to take a look in your area and see if I can find anything free or sliding scale? If so, if you can just post your zip code and give me some information on your transportation options, I would be happy to poke around for you tomorrow when I'm back at work.

Wow! Thank you so much. My zip code is 75605 and I’m willing to travel for a few hours. My mom drives me everywhere.

[Heather]

You got it! I’ll have a look today and let you know what I find.

[Heather]

So far, this looks like it may be promising. It's also state-funded, so I expect the services they offer are not-cost or low cost: http://www.wellnesspointe.org/programs/project-reach/ It looks like what this initiative would do in terms of mental healthcare (counseling) is give referrals, but since they are local and state-funded, they might be the people who know best about what's out there and could help you find affordable counseling best (probably better than I).

I looked through a listing of therapists in your area, and looking at this therapist -- https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/ther ... esultsName -- she might be someone good to start by calling. She offers sliding scale fees, works with adolescents and has sexual trauma listed as one of the things she does. She also has a social work background. I mention that because even if she isn't the right fit for you -- either because she doesn't feel like it, or because you can't afford or get to her -- she probably has a rich referral network and would probably be glad to connect you to anyone/any service she knows who you can afford and who she thinks might be a good fit.

To keep you from feeling overwhelmed, I'd just start with a call to those two right now. I also know that it can feel daunting to call a stranger at all, let alone to call and try and tell them you are suffering from this kind of trauma. So, if it helps make it easier, know you don't have to talk in detail over the phone. You can just say (though I know this still might be more than "just" for you) that you are looking for low-cost counseling, have wanted it for a while, but have also recently experienced online abuse you want help with. How does that sound?

[jerd_herley]

So far, this looks like it may be promising. It's also state-funded, so I expect the services they offer are not-cost or low cost: http://www.wellnesspointe.org/programs/project-reach/ It looks like what this initiative would do in terms of mental healthcare (counseling) is give referrals, but since they are local and state-funded, they might be the people who know best about what's out there and could help you find affordable counseling best (probably better than I).

I looked through a listing of therapists in your area, and looking at this therapist -- https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/ther ... esultsName -- she might be someone good to start by calling. She offers sliding scale fees, works with adolescents and has sexual trauma listed as one of the things she does. She also has a social work background. I mention that because even if she isn't the right fit for you -- either because she doesn't feel like it, or because you can't afford or get to her -- she probably has a rich referral network and would probably be glad to connect you to anyone/any service she knows who you can afford and who she thinks might be a good fit.

To keep you from feeling overwhelmed, I'd just start with a call to those two right now. I also know that it can feel daunting to call a stranger at all, let alone to call and try and tell them you are suffering from this kind of trauma. So, if it helps make it easier, know you don't have to talk in detail over the phone. You can just say (though I know this still might be more than "just" for you) that you are looking for low-cost counseling, have wanted it for a while, but have also recently experienced online abuse you want help with. How does that sound?

All of this sounds great! Thank you for taking time to find things for me (and helping me with what to say). I was actually one of the first kids in Project REACH at Wellness Pointe and kind of “graduated” from it I will definitely check out the woman you listed and tell my mom about her!!

[Heather]

That's fantastic! So, since you already have a relationship there, know it would probably be super easy for you to reach out to them again and ask for resources. You can do both, contact them and this other social worker: you don't have to pick just one.

It's so nice when giving a user mental health resources to hear that they have a parent they expect to help and be supportive. Way too many of our users aren't in that spot. I'm really glad you and your Mom sound like you have a good relationship. Might she be someone you could also talk to about this to get more support?

[jerd_herley]

That's fantastic! So, since you already have a relationship there, know it would probably be super easy for you to reach out to them again and ask for resources. You can do both, contact them and this other social worker: you don't have to pick just one.

It's so nice when giving a user mental health resources to hear that they have a parent they expect to help and be supportive. Way too many of our users aren't in that spot. I'm really glad you and your Mom sound like you have a good relationship. Might she be someone you could also talk to about this to get more support?

I have a great relationship with my mom and I love her to bits, but I don’t normally talk to her about things like this. She still thinks I’m her innocent little girl and, knowing her, she would take my phone, look through it, and blame herself for not paying closer attention to who I was talking to online. I can talk to her a bit about boys, but sex is a huuuge no : ((

I will definitely contact them and see if I could get a list of people who take the kind of insurance we have!!!

[Heather]

I understand. And hey, having a great relationship with a parent or anyone else doesn't have to mean we can -- or want to -- talk to them about absolutely everything! It's 200% okay to have boundaries in relationships, and also pretty common to just have some things with a person where we just know we're not a good mix for a thing for any number of reasons.