I’m a lesbian but I have sex fantasies about men

[chewiesolo2187]

I’m a 17 year old girl. Two years ago, I started to come to terms with my sexuality and liking girls. I had a massive crush on my best friend, and had been very attracted to girls for as long as I could remember. I’ve never had a celebrity crush on a man, or really been attracted to guys around me. Trust me, I tried to be “straight.” I thought I did, but soon realised it was more of admiration, there was no attraction per say. I came out as bisexual, because I thought I was at the time as accepting myself as gay was a step that was too hard to take (not trashing bi girls at all, I’m dating one right now, this is just a personal experience) Being Indian, I guess somewhere I was homophobic internally. Being a lesbian was “wrong,” so to speak, and disgusting. I knew, though, that I liked girls. Some time later, I started dating my current girlfriend. We’ve been together almost two years, and even though we’re young I’m head over heels in love. I’m very attracted sexually to women, and her especially, but sometimes, when I think about hardcore fantasies, they’re usually about faceless men, completely sexually. They tend to be violent and some to be borderline rape, things I know I wouldn’t want in real life. I’d want to feel slutty or used and trashed, sort of like the “power” aspect that’s associated with masculinity. I can’t deny it doesn’t turn me on. When I watch porn, I’ve always found lesbian porn unrealistic. But over exaggerated straight porn, especially with an excessively dominating guy tends to turn me on. I’d watch 5 minutes, be really turned on, and then suddenly not be turned on at all. I keep hearing that lesbian sex isn’t real sex, and it really gets to me. I remember wondering if my first kiss with a girl was actually counted as a real kiss. Even though we’ve had sex I wonder if I’m really still a virgin sometimes because it “isn’t sex.” Though I try to push these thoughts out, they stay and bother me quite a lot. Even comments from “liberal” people make me feel like my relationship isn’t a real one, as if I’ve got a “best friend with benefits.”Almost as if I’m living a farce. I often try to enforce being the “guy” in the relationship, getting very bothered if I start blushing or giggling because of her, or doing feminine things.It’s a strange reaction, and horrible because I really am in love with her, and I really do enjoy getting intimate sexually with her. I do fantasise a lot about her too, and am turned on during these. I’m comfortable with my gender but feel really insecure when guys win over girls with how masculine and how inherently powerful they can be, just because of their gender. Almost as if I would never, as a lesbian, be fulfilled without a man in my life, even though I’m not attracted to them and I’d never truly please my girlfriend, even though she’s pretty much sexually only attracted to women. Maybe it’s because porn sends implicit messages like that? I mention this because I wasn’t sure if maybe this internalised homophobia was sort of bringing this out? An easy answer would be to experiment, but I don’t want to leave my girlfriend ( we’re in a long distance relationship) and theres no guy I’d find myself wanting to experiment with. I love her, everything about her, and I’m extremely sexually attracted to her, and I love having sex with her. But I feel like this fear of gay sex and whatnot not being real is sort of holding me back from embracing what I feel, and maybe even turning me towards men. There’s no doubt in my head that I like girls, I can trace crushes back to the third grade, and only a girl can make me truly speechless and awkward and in love. But does this fascination with men make me bi? I’m sorry for the long complicated question but it’s the first time I’m admitting this out loud.

[Heather]

I'm sorry, but a giant block of text like that without any paragraph breaks is very difficult to read for those of us with certain neurological or vision issues or disabilities. Can you please break it up some? I'd be happy to answer this for you if it was formatted a little so I could read it more ably. Thanks!

[chewiesolo2187]

I'm sorry, but a giant block of text like that without any paragraph breaks is very difficult to read for those of us with certain neurological or vision issues or disabilities. Can you please break it up some? I'd be happy to answer this for you if it was formatted a little so I could read it more ably. Thanks!

Sure! I'm so sorry, I wrote this on my phone and didn't realize how long it was haha

[chewiesolo2187]

[quote="chewiesolo2187"]I’m a 17 year old girl. Two years ago, I started to come to terms with my sexuality and liking girls. I had a massive crush on my best friend, and had been very attracted to girls for as long as I could remember. I’ve never had a celebrity crush on a man, or really been attracted to guys around me.

Trust me, I tried to be “straight.” I thought I did, but soon realised it was more of admiration, there was no attraction per say.

I came out as bisexual, because I thought I was at the time as accepting myself as gay was a step that was too hard to take (not trashing bi girls at all, I’m dating one right now, this is just a personal experience)
Being Indian, I guess somewhere I was homophobic internally. Being a lesbian was “wrong,” so to speak, and disgusting. I knew, though, that I liked girls.

Some time later, I started dating my current girlfriend. We’ve been together almost two years, and even though we’re young I’m head over heels in love.

I’m very attracted sexually to women, and her especially, but sometimes, when I think about hardcore fantasies, they’re usually about faceless men, completely sexually. They tend to be violent and some to be borderline rape, things I know I wouldn’t want in real life. I’d want to feel slutty or used and trashed, sort of like the “power” aspect that’s associated with masculinity. I can’t deny it doesn’t turn me on.

When I watch porn, I’ve always found lesbian porn unrealistic. But over exaggerated straight porn, especially with an excessively dominating guy tends to turn me on. I’d watch 5 minutes, be really turned on, and then suddenly not be turned on at all.

I keep hearing that lesbian sex isn’t real sex, and it really gets to me. I remember wondering if my first kiss with a girl was actually counted as a real kiss. Even though we’ve had sex I wonder if I’m really still a virgin sometimes because it “isn’t sex.” Though I try to push these thoughts out, they stay and bother me quite a lot.

Even comments from “liberal” people make me feel like my relationship isn’t a real one, as if I’ve got a “best friend with benefits.”Almost as if I’m living a farce. I often try to enforce being the “guy” in the relationship, getting very bothered if I start blushing or giggling because of her, or doing feminine things.

It’s a strange reaction, and horrible because I really am in love with her, and I really do enjoy getting intimate sexually with her. I do fantasise a lot about her too, and am turned on during these.

I’m comfortable with my gender but feel really insecure when guys win over girls with how masculine and how inherently powerful they can be, just because of their gender. Almost as if I would never, as a lesbian, be fulfilled without a man in my life, even though I’m not attracted to them and I’d never truly please my girlfriend, even though she’s pretty much sexually only attracted to women. Maybe it’s because porn sends implicit messages like that?

I mention this because I wasn’t sure if maybe this internalised homophobia was sort of bringing this fascination with masculinity and power out? An easy answer would be to experiment, but I don’t want to leave my girlfriend ( we’re in a long distance relationship) and theres no guy I’d find myself wanting to experiment with. I love her, everything about her, and I’m extremely sexually attracted to her, and I love having sex with her. But I feel like this fear of gay sex and whatnot not being real is sort of holding me back from embracing what I feel, and maybe even turning me towards men, thinking that rough hardcore male on female sex is the only way one can “actually” have “real sex.”

There’s no doubt in my head that I like girls, I can trace crushes back to the third grade, and only a girl can make me truly speechless and awkward and in love. But does this fascination with men make me bi? I’m sorry for the long complicated question but it’s the first time I’m admitting this out loud.

[Sam W]

Hi Chewiesolo,

Thank you for re-posting it more split up!

It sounds like you've got a lot of difficult feelings bouncing off of each other, so let's see if we can tease them out a bit. If I'm hearing you right, you're running up against some pretty crummy messages about how relationships or sex between two women don't "count" and that's influencing your ability to feel totally secure in your relationship. Sadly, even in more liberal areas, those ideas can be common. And understandably they can leave you feeling insecure or bad if you're a woman dating another woman (even if you know they're B.S, they can still get under your skin). So, to start out with, what do you think would help you learn to counter or ignore those messages? Or do you feel at a loss as to where to start with that?

In terms of you're identity, it almost sounds less like you're attracted to men and more like there are certain dynamics that you enjoy in porn or fantasy. If it helps clarify your feelings at all, know that women who date women can, and do, have sex in all sorts of ways, including ways that are rougher or involve a form of powerplay. So enjoying or being interested in those types of sexual activities doesn't invalidate your being a lesbian (and that's before we even get into the fact that there are some things we like in porn that we'd never be interested in in our sex lives). Does that make sense?