Was it assault?

[Herstory]

Hello. In light of recent events, I started thinking about something that happened to me a long time ago. I was at a party with my friends and at the time I had a friends with benefits who was there too. We were all drinking, but I was the one who drank the most and got the most drunk. I was so drunk that I kept falling and things kept coming in and out. I also had a little to smoke that night as well. When I was sober, I didn’t want to have sex with my friends with benefits because we were in an argument, but after I got drunk, he asked me if I was sober enough to consent and I said I guess. We started having intercourse with a condom, but midway through it I looked down and I didn’t see the condom anymore. I started to freak out and I immediately got off of him and asked him where the condom went. He said that I said that he could take it off but I had and still have absolutely NO recollection of me saying that. I kept asking him when and he kept saying I did say that and I just let it go, but I was just wondering if that’s considered assault. Was I sober enough to consent like he said? Could I give consent to not use the condom if I didn’t even remember that I said that? Also, he was sober when I had sex with him.

[al]

Hi Herstory,

I’m so sorry that this happened. It definitely wasn’t okay for him to have taken “I guess” as a yes, and if he was sober and knew you had been drinking, he shouldn’t have gone forward without talking with you about it.

As for the condom specifically, he absolutely shouldn’t have removed it without being 100% sure that that was what you wanted (and it seems like there was no way he could have been 100% sure given each of your level of intoxication). Removing a barrier method or form of contraception and potentially putting someone at risk for pregnancy or an STI without their consent is seriously not okay, and you shouldn’t have had to go through it.

What does thinking back on this situation bring up for you? How do you think folks on the Scarleteam can support you around this stuff?

[AngelColvin]

I feel sorry for what happened to you.
This is probably not an attack. But still he didn’t do the right thing, in fact he just took advantage of you and your condition. A similar situation happened to me a long time ago. I got very drunk and fell asleep on the bed (I was at my friends house). After some time, I woke up and saw a girl on top of me and we had sex without condoms. After that incident, I had a mild venereal disease, which I quickly recovered from. But still this situation made me seriously think about that evening and not get so drunk anymore.

[Herstory]

It was unpleasant and a scary situation. When I told my best friend (who’s his best friend) he kinda just told me it was my fault and that I was an adult and could consent. I think he said that because he didn’t want to think about the possibility of his best friend taking advantage of me. But I definitely feel confused about the situation and I don’t really know what to make of it. Especially since when I told my closest friends, they kinda just shrugged it off and told me it was nothing to be concerned about.

As for angel, I’m sorry that that happened to you. That definitely sounds like sexual assault. I’ve actually talked to a lot of men with similar experiences. They would be sleeping and then wake up to find a woman on top of them, forcing them to penetrate her, and it’s just not ok. The worst part is that these men felt like they couldn’t say it was rape because they felt, as men, that they couldn’t say no to sex, even if they didn’t want it.

[Sam W]

Hi Herstory,

I'm sorry the people you told after this happened weren't supportive of you. It's ultimately up to you to decide what to make of the situation and how you want to frame it, although I agree with Al that what this guy did is not okay. If someone is coming in and out of awareness, they're not in a place where they can consent.

Have you spoken to any local resources about support for this incident, or the other stuff that's happened? If not, is that something you're open to trying?

[Herstory]

I will be talking to my therapist about it. We’re now trying to work on exposure therapy so that I get less anxious when I’m triggered and sent back to scary experiences that have happened to me. I guess this can be one of the experiences we work on.

[Sam W]

That sounds like a good plan! Learning how to manage triggers is an excellent step in taking care of yourself. Too, if you're ever interested in finding other resources specifically for survivors, that's a process we can help you with.