MMF Relationships

[Sarah B]

I am an 18year old female and have been having sex since I was 14. The first time I had sex was with my BF and another guy at the same time. They were both 16. After that there have been many times where I have had sex with 2 or more guys at once a through out high school. I really enjoy sex with multiple Male partners at once. I feel like I will always want to participate in this kind of sex, does this mean I will never be able to have a long term boyfriend?

[Jacob]

Hi Sarah,

Welcome to the message boards!

I don't see any reason why you couldn't have any type of relationship you like!

It's not always easy to find compatible relationships, or compatible partners who respect our sexual desires and personalities. But that's true of everyone whether it's enjoying group sex or whether it's being REALLY into bird watching.

There might be social issues that put extra pressure on non-monogamous/non-hetero-normative relationships, but I think that's where activism comes in as a way to gain confidence and push back against discrimination.

For now it's probably worth focusing on having the types of sex and relationships that feel good to you and any issues that come up can be things you deal with as they show up.

How does that sound?

[Sarah B]

That is encouraging.

[Heather]

If it helps to get a personal take on this, Sarah, I am someone who has both had multiple long-term relationships but who also has been the kind of person the term "sexually adventurous" has often been applied to. Like you, from high school on, my sexual life has included sex with more than one partner at a time sometimes.

Ultimately, what that's meant for me over decades is just that I'm not some people's cup of tea. That scares some people (whether that's reasonable or not), intimidates others, and for others still, just isn't what they want: some people simply only want to date or get serious with partners who will be exclusive with them, and that's okay. On the other hand, you may find people that also want what you do, or who don't want that for themselves, but who don't have an issue that you do. Like Jacob said, we're not all a fit for each other in a gazillion ways, including around who wants or doesn't want exclusivity, and who is cool with (or likes! or also even wants for themselves!) a partner who likes and wants sex with more than just them.

I also think that given how fluid sexuality is, and how much it can change over time, it doesn't make sense to worry about what you may want over a lifetime, because honestly, none of us know that. I'm turning 50 in the next year and I can't tell you how many surprises and changes I've experienced in that time when it comes to sex, sexuality and partnerships. I think worrying about the future in this way just puts unnecessary stress on you, and since it's not something you can predict in the first place, why do that, you know?

How familiar are you with poly/open relationship frameworks? Ultimately, while this is something you want, those are going to be the kind of frameworks you'll be dating in and likely needing to set up with any ongoing relationships. If you don't know much about them -- or people who choose them -- I think it might be a good thing for you to start exploring those, both so you have some ways to manage ongoing relationships, but also because I think seeing that this is an option for you, and not some kind of super-rarity, will give you some relief.

[Sarah B]

Update: I recently started dating a new guy, he is not into MMF sex but he is okay with me having MMF sex with two other guys to fullfill this part of me. I have a close guy friend that I work with so I have been having sex with him and his friend while dating my new BF. So far this is working out quite well.