Not feeling comfortable

[AnonoAce]

Background info: I'm 13, female that came out as ace for the time being (I'm still young so no need for permanent labels) I live in a very devout Christian household, where my family refuses to respect my sexuality, sometimes outright insulting me for it. I'm also not allowed to cut my hair shorter than ear length.
As I started developing I've been feeling really bad about getting undressed. I take showers as quickly as I can because I'm afraid(?) of myself naked. My mom says I'll grow out of it but its seriously a problem. I prefer to look androgynous, but I can't really do that since I don't have the money to buy my own clothes. Whatever, that's fine. I am afraid of what happens to me if I decide not to be Christian, but the bible outright says that I would disobey god if I even try to dress that way, so it's out of the question. I'll get back into body stuff. I really can't get used to me having breasts. They aren't even big. I feel so out of my skin sometimes I wish I was 10 again when everything felt fine and nothing was changing. Now I'm questioning my gender identifications, but even if I was able to do surgery to transition I don't want to. I dont want a vagina or a penis, or both. I also want to change to be considered normal. In reality I feel trapped to my religion but too scared to break away from it to explore, even if it'll make me feel better. What should I do? Is this normal at all? sorry that its not just about bodies.

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards, AnonoAce. I'm so sorry that you've been struggling with such hard feelings about your body. I'm sorry your family also is being so nonsupportive.

For sure, a lot of people go through these kinds of feeling during puberty, especially if and when they're nonbinary or trans. If you want to look androgynous, it's obviously pretty tough if your body starts to take on shapes or otherwise change in ways that feel like (or objectively do) gender you. Puberty also can be additionally challenging for people growing up in evangelical/highly religious households when the religion involved puts a lot of yucky stuff on sexuality and bodies. (I should add that I'm pretty familiar with the bible and I don't believe there is anything in there that says you are disobeying g-d if you don't dress in a feminine way, but even if there was, I bet you and your family do things all the time that the bible actually says isn't okay.)

This feeling of wishing you could go back to childhood before it all started is also very common.

Nothing is going to happen to you if you decide not to be Christian, by the way. I mean, for sure, you obviously would probably have a lot of conflict to deal with in your family, and if your extended community is part of your religious community, too, there will likely be ripples, there. But what is NOT going to happen is that your life will be destroyed, or someone from on high will cut you down. People leave religious communities or systems every day, swapping them out for different kinds, or just leaving religion altogether, and they do just fine. Nothing big and bad happens. In fact, when people leave because it wasn't right for them, or because it was abusive, good things usually happen.

How can we best help you from here? Want to talk more about some or all of this? Want to see if we can help you find some in-person resources? Want some reading...?