My boyfriend is older and I'm not sure how to get used to talking about intimacy

[wintersolstice]

Hi!

I'm a 17 year old girl and my boyfriend-person-thing (kind of) is 28 years old. We live across the world, but text everyday and night when one is waking up and the other is going to sleep.

I've never been in a real relationship before, but he is slow and steady, and very sweet to me. I like him a lot, and he says he feels the same. At first, he didn't want to do anything because of our age gap, but we ended up liking each other anyways. It's been a few weeks since we met and things have been going really well.

Recently, he's started to bring up sex and I'm not sure what to do. I've never even kissed someone, and my sex ed. wasn't exactly the most informative, so I don't know much. I also have body issues, so whenever I think about me eventually getting intimate with someone, I think that they're going to be repulsed or disgusted by me.

He doesn't make me talk about anything or force me, but is curious to know what I think about sex and eventually losing my virginity. I know there is also a difference in culture between the countries we grew up in (his is much more liberal about intimacy and affection), but I can't help but feel it's frustrating for him. He always apologizes and offers to stop talking about it if I say I'm uncomfortable or anything along those lines, which I greatly appreciate. He's quick to reassure me everything is okay and to take things at my own pace, and assures me he'll be as respectful as he can, and he'll guide me in anything I need. Even though, I'm still always embarrassed and wary when talking about it.

What can I do to get over my embarrassment and become more comfortable with talking about sex and exploration with him?

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards, wintersolstice.

I hear what sounds like you being hard on yourself and kind of creating a mindset where you're thinking the pace that it sounds like you need -- way slower than his, which makes sense given the big age and experience gap! -- isn't okay, and that you need to speed it up for him.

I strongly disagree. Instead, I think that anytime someone older and with more experience is with someone younger and with less, it is THAT person who needs to adjust their pace, not the other way around. That's because it shouldn't be a big deal to have to go slower, and it certainly isn't likely to create trauma or a big power imbalance for that person. The same isn't true for someone trying to speed things up for themselves to try and get ahead of where they really are.

So, the first thing I'd suggest is that what you try and do is accept where you are truly at and get okay with that. Accept yourself and your own pace and where you're at with all of this. It actually sounds like this person may feel the same way, but for whatever reason, you're not really trusting them in that.

How do you feel about perhaps just asking him to stop asking you about sex and your virginity until YOU actually want to bring it up, at a time when you have had more time to build more trust and get more comfortable? I think that is prob ably one of the best routes to you developing more comfortable and feeling less embarrassed, is just you being able to be the one to bring any of this to the table if and when you feel ready and you actually want to.