is this normal

[rhkc]

Hello,

I have had an experience in the past where someone touched me sexually when i was drunk so whenever my boyfriend touches me he tries to touch me sexually but then automatically my hands just go to his hands and I cant control it.Even when he just touches my stomach my hands do the same thing. My boyfriend gets frustrated and then he just holds my wrists down and continues what he was doing. He knows of my past but he still gets annoyed and says i don't trust him. I think this is really affecting me as I keep on getting the feeling like someone is holding my wrist down constantly. Is this normal?

[al]

Hi there rhkc, and welcome to Scarleteen.

First of all, I'm so sorry to hear that you went through what you did. It's absolutely understandable that someone who has been violated might be hesitant or have a reaction to physical or sexual touch, even with someone that they trust. Our minds and bodies can hold onto those memories for a long time, and if they're put into a similar situation (i.e. someone reaching out to touch you when you weren't expecting it, or just general sexual touch), they can react instinctively to try and protect you from the same thing happening again. Have you ever tried talking to anyone about this experience and how it's affected you?

You said that he knows what happened, but the way that he's acting about it doesn't seem supportive or caring at all. Regardless of what he knows, he should absolutely not be holding any part of your body down and continuing to engage with you sexually. That's really not okay. If someone that we're hooking up with pulls away or seems hesitant to touch, we should immediately stop what we're doing and check in with that person. We shouldn't do anything to or for someone without being absolutely certain that they're not only okay with what we're doing, but that they actively want it to happen. (If you want a more detailed explanation of how consent + communication should work, Driver's Ed for the Sexual Superhighway: Navigating Consent does a really good job of explaining it.)

What's more, you shouldn't have to put up with your boyfriend being frustrated with you for something that you can't control. People who care about survivors of any kind of assault or trauma know that it takes time to work through those memories and bodily responses, and that sometimes they have to remember, "It's not about me. It's about something that happened before I came along, and because I care about this person, I will try my best to be patient and supportive for them." You've already been through enough; you shouldn't have to worry about managing your boyfriend's feelings about rejection when you're just trying to feel present and safe in your own body.

I have to ask - do you feel yourself wanting to be touched or be sexual with your boyfriend? Are there things that you do enjoy doing with him (or on your own), or does it mostly feel like something that he initiates? Does he ever make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe in other ways?