Scared, Awkward, and Uncomfortable

[UncertainSusan]

I've never had sex. I'm 24 years old which I know is unusual, but I was raised in a conservative home and taught sex is only for marriage. I'm only just now in my first serious relationship. But anyway, the very thought of sex freaks me the heck out. I don't know if it's fear of the unknown or a lack of trust in my current partner or what. I'm also afraid it might mean I'm asexual, because in addition to my freaked-out feelings, I feel like I could quite happily live my life never having sex. I've never even masturbated! My partner and I have never had a serious talk about this stuff before (at least not yet), but we're starting to talk marriage and I worry I'm not going to be a good partner for him if I'm so petrified and/or disinterested. Am I crazy weird? Help?

[Jacob]

Hi Uncertain Susan,

This sounds like such a stressful time for you! We're all weird here, so you're good!

It can be difficult to pick apart our own sexual preferences from cultural and family influences but from what you've written here, it sounds to me like most of what you have suggested here may be true!

It makes total sense to feel fear around sex as something that has been made taboo for you, which is an unknown in your experiences, and struggle to trust a partner when conversations about sex haven't happened yet.

At this point, it doesn't sound like you have any particular interest in having sex. Whether this is an orientation that you would have always lent towards or a coincidence of your experiences, it's still something that sounds true for you!

Your suggestion to maybe talk to your partner about this sounds like a really good one.

You could discuss what both of your expectations about sex are. It could be a really good time to talk about consent with the caveat that sex isn't something you see yourself wanting to do any time soon.

[UncertainSusan]

Thanks for the super quick reply Jacob!

I know I need to talk to him soon, but the thing is, shouldn't I be interested in sex at this point? Like I enjoy kissing and cuddling is my favorite, but I feel like I should be "turned on" at this point and I'm not even sure I understand what that means. Shouldn't it just be a thing that happens when you're with the right person?

[Sam W]

Hi UncertainSusan,

One of the interesting things about human sexuality is that there aren't nearly as many "shoulds" as people assume there are. Just because you enjoy kissing and cuddling someone doesn't automatically mean you'll want to be sexual with them. And while being turned on from time to time is something that happens when you've found a partner who you're attracted to, there are a few reasons why it may not. One possible reason is being asexual, another is that you're still carrying around the weight of those negative messages you learned at home. With how being turned on feels, take a look at the descriptions of "desire" and "arousal" in this article: Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide. Do you feel like you've ever experienced as version of either of those feelings?

Can you give me a sense of if you've read or tried anything to counteract some of those intense, negative messages you received? If not, is that something you'd like resources on doing?

With the talk you'll need to have with your partner, are there specific parts of it that are worrying you or feel like they will be very difficult?

[UncertainSusan]

So I did just have a conversation with my partner about his sexual experience and my extreme lack thereof. I shared with him that it scares me a bit, but didn't go farther than that. I didn't feel comfortable yet saying I was afraid I might be asexual or wasn't interested at all right now, because I'm hesitant to say I'm definitely something without having at least a little more experience. We've also had a long distance relationship much of the time because he's in the military, so there's that. What I wanted to ask now is maybe for some of those resources you mentioned to counteract some of the negative messages I think I've internalized. Also, is there such a thing as just having a super low libido/sex-drive rather than being oriented as asexual, and is that something that could be "fixed" with medical intervention or anything? I don't mean to sound insensitive to those who do identify as ace and apologize for that, I'm just not sure how else to word that question.

[Sam W]

Hi UncertainSusan,

Glad to hear you two were able to start talking about this. How did the conversation with him go overall? Do you feel like he understood where you were coming from?

In terms of counteracting those negative messages, there are a few articles on the site that are good starting points: Undoing Sexual Shame, Welcome to Impurity Culture. The Impurity Culture series deals with shame tied to certain religious messages about sex, so if that was a major thing in your family growing up that may be the best place to begin. Looking at those articles, are there any things that really jump out at you? Things you think you could try?

People can have widely varying levels of interest in sex, both from person to person and for one person over time. Sometimes low interest in sex can be tied to shame, to trauma, or underlying health issues and sometimes it's just part of a persons sexual orientation. So, depending on what it's tied to, some people will try to work to increase it (or find it increases as they address those underlying causes in other ways, such as therapy or treating the health issue), others will decide that level of interest works for them, and still others will realize it's part of their larger sexual orientation.