New Here - relationship /sexual advice?

[Wolves99]

I am new and I am looking for some advice about my relationship, and its sexual side?

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2.5 years now, and the first year or so was LDR. We met online, then in person, then moved in together. At first, our sex was frequent, and a little wild. But as more stress got piled on, it got less, and less. Plus, the full blown honeymoon stage wore off. Expect for blowjobs, which he gets a lot of (maybe I should lessen those?) and him occasionally touching me, the sex is basically non-existent of late. All time low. Intercourse MAYBE once a month - and last month, none. At all. Still none. This is the man I gave my v-card to, at not even 21. I love him, and I feel like we can take on the world together. (FYI - when into it, he is AMAZING, touching and/or complete sex. This man can literally...ugh). I do know that he doesn't enjoy stress(who does?), and he has his own issues when it comes to sex - So do I. I know its not the funnest topic for him, and that he has a lower libido than I do. Sometimes he gets these bursts where all we do is have sex, other times, not so much. But it is getting worse! Lately, when he does initiate anything, not only is it mostly just to get a BJ, but if anything else happens, it feels forced. At that point, I would rather he just not! Usually when I initiate, it also ends at a BJ too! I've tried talking to him - but then he just thinks I'm judging how often we have sex. I am not. I would just like to feel like he actually wants to have sex with me, and that i am not just a warm mouth! I've told him before, he does not have to push himself with me - and that I shouldn't have to either. If he isn't feeling it, its ok! A couple weeks ago he said that he doesn't feel like people need to have sex all the time to show they love each other. That he is ok with not having a lot of sex, which he still thinks is the issue. Its just frustrating and making me feel really rejected and unsexy! I can live with sex now and then, so long as it feels like he is EXCITED to touch me and be with me! Not...refusing to until he realizes he might have to get a BJ.

If he is feeling sexual and into sex, great! But if he is not, and only wants a BJ, he could either ask or, idk, not attempt to trick me into thinking there's going to be more??? I'm not even surprised anymore! I am actually assuming any time he seems frisky, that it is 100% to get a BJ! If he seems actually excited for more, it blindsides me. This has been going on for like 4-5 months!

We are both under a LOT of stress at the moment too, so I know that is affecting this as well. He is way more into sex when there is less stress; I get that. I am too! Who isn't? But seriously, come on. Stop the teasing and love me!

What I really want is advice on how to help ease the stress in our life. I've been doing some self-love lately, and minus this, feeling pretty good. Our stress issues are linked to financially bad decisions we made and are paying off. So that is a struggle, but we are paying that and dealing with it. And he just had to switch jobs, so does not help. What can I do to help with this stress? And what can I do to encourage him to be more into it when he actually seems to want sex or sexual contact? How can I talk to him without him getting defensive? How can I help teach him how to treat me in our bedroom? Mostly, how can I just ease this stress? Paying off that bill would be nice, but not happening any time soon. I just want my best friend back! (Outside the bedroom, things are great. We go on walk dates or other dates, talk to each other a lot, and we are comfortable either together or apart with activities. I could sit in a room with him in silence, or talking, for hours!)

[Sam W]

Hi Wolves99,

There are a few different things going on here, and I'll address the issue of stress first since that's what you asked about as your main concern. Since it sounds like you're working to address the main financial stressor, something to consider is what things would help you feel less stressed in your day to day life. Would concrete steps towards addressing other potential stressors, or preventing the same financial one from recurring, be helpful? Or is it more that you need to find ways to relax, blow off steam, or soothe yourself when those stressors pop up? You also mention you both have "issues" around sex? Have either of you done things to address those issues or their causes?

Would it be accurate to say that part of what's bothering you about the way sex has been going is that it feels like you're not coming away satisfied, and that his willingness only to engage in blow-jobs makes you feel less like a sexual partner and more like an object? You also mention feeling like he tricks you into thinking sex will involve more than a blow job. Does it feel like he's doing that deliberately to you, either to get a blow job or to get you to stop asking? Or is it more that once the blow job happens he isn't interested in anything else?

When it comes to having a conversation about this issue, there's no way for you to guarantee he won't get defensive. Sex can be a very loaded subject for people, especially if they feel they aren't doing it "right" or the way their partner expects. That being said, there may be some ways you (and ideally both of you) can approach this conversation and give it a better chance of being productive. These articles are excellent starting places for learning those tools: How to Clash With Love: Some Conflict Resolution Basics, Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner.

[Amanda F]

Hey Wolves99,

I hear you - different preferences for frequency of sex is pretty common and normal. Sam W linked to some great resources about how to have a conversation about sex.

One suggestion is to start with something positive, so that your partner hears right away that this is something you enjoy. For example, you can use an "I statement" to tell your partner how much you enjoy the sex you have: "Hey babe, I really enjoy when we do X" or "Remember when we did Y sexy thing? I loved that so much!" You could ask him what he enjoys, too. And then once you've found some common ground, you could treat this something to work on together, as a team. "Could we find a way together to incorporate a bit more sexy fun in our relationship?"

Also, I'm glad to hear you talking about your needs and desires. You deserve sexual pleasure and to have your needs met. Would you say that your partner knows what you like, sexually? Is that something you've discussed together? I ask because sometimes people avoid the topic if they feel insecure or unconfident.

[Wolves99]

Hi Wolves99,

There are a few different things going on here, and I'll address the issue of stress first since that's what you asked about as your main concern. Since it sounds like you're working to address the main financial stressor, something to consider is what things would help you feel less stressed in your day to day life. Would concrete steps towards addressing other potential stressors, or preventing the same financial one from recurring, be helpful? Or is it more that you need to find ways to relax, blow off steam, or soothe yourself when those stressors pop up? You also mention you both have "issues" around sex? Have either of you done things to address those issues or their causes?

Would it be accurate to say that part of what's bothering you about the way sex has been going is that it feels like you're not coming away satisfied, and that his willingness only to engage in blow-jobs makes you feel less like a sexual partner and more like an object? You also mention feeling like he tricks you into thinking sex will involve more than a blow job. Does it feel like he's doing that deliberately to you, either to get a blow job or to get you to stop asking? Or is it more that once the blow job happens he isn't interested in anything else?

When it comes to having a conversation about this issue, there's no way for you to guarantee he won't get defensive. Sex can be a very loaded subject for people, especially if they feel they aren't doing it "right" or the way their partner expects. That being said, there may be some ways you (and ideally both of you) can approach this conversation and give it a better chance of being productive. These articles are excellent starting places for learning those tools: How to Clash With Love: Some Conflict Resolution Basics, Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner.

Hi Sam W! I have been busy the past couple days, so sorry about that. Thank you so much for the reply!

I think addressing potential stressors and preventing a similar situation from cropping up is what we need. We need, to learn how to deal with stressors as they arise - but have been working on that; dealing with stress better. But it was stress that got us into our current financial state, and I am in the primary one in charge of addressing it. Making the monthly budgets, ensuring everything gets paid. Simply because I'm really good with numbers - I discuss everything with him, so we are on the same page about finances at all times. I think we need ways to relax. As for the sex issues, we both know what causes it. He was briefly in therapy, but the only therapist we could get couldn't even remember his name or half of what he told her. So he stopped going. He seems happier now though than he was then. I haven't done anything recently for it, but I've been working on just being more confident. I don't have memories of why I have issues, but I probably wouldn't have any if it wasn't a family topic.

You did hit that right on the nail! I certainly do feel more like an object, and not his sexual partner when its blowjobs only. I don't think he intentionally tricks me. He's not that kind of person. I do feel like its more of, once he gets the BJ, he's just done. Sometimes he appear to aspires for more; a lot of times it rushes towards the BJ quickly. And once that's said and done, he is usually too tired for anything else or uninterested to continue. There are rare occasions were he pushes onward! He does really try for those blow jobs though. Did discover over the past couple days, in a sudden bout of interest on his part, that our only remaining condoms currently are too small. I am not even sure where we got them, but was not good. So that does not help!

Thank you for the articles! I am looking at them now and will apply what I learn to helping deal with these issues. I did get to talk to him a little over his weekend, the past few days, and I kept it positive. It did result in, later, him taking time to be a more attentive partner. Which was nice! And he told me, that while he has been happier lately, he isn't in the best overall head space. So we are gonna work on addressing that.

[Wolves99]

Hey Wolves99,

I hear you - different preferences for frequency of sex is pretty common and normal. Sam W linked to some great resources about how to have a conversation about sex.

One suggestion is to start with something positive, so that your partner hears right away that this is something you enjoy. For example, you can use an "I statement" to tell your partner how much you enjoy the sex you have: "Hey babe, I really enjoy when we do X" or "Remember when we did Y sexy thing? I loved that so much!" You could ask him what he enjoys, too. And then once you've found some common ground, you could treat this something to work on together, as a team. "Could we find a way together to incorporate a bit more sexy fun in our relationship?"

Also, I'm glad to hear you talking about your needs and desires. You deserve sexual pleasure and to have your needs met. Would you say that your partner knows what you like, sexually? Is that something you've discussed together? I ask because sometimes people avoid the topic if they feel insecure or unconfident.

Hey!

It is indeed. Doesn't make it anymore fun. I am taking a peek at those. I do try and keep it positive when we talk. He's come a long way. The first time we tried having a talk, he focused entirely on anything I said that wasn't positive. But over the weekend I expressed interest in how much I loved the way he did in depth writing in our roleplays. (He enjoys having ERPs going in our discords). After mentioning this, he became more interested in other things I enjoy about it and then it lead to other stuff. Frankly, we talk about sex a lot - and about our general fantasies. Something he tries to incorporate when he's actually interested. When not interested, not so much. Mostly BJs, I've tried asking him what he enjoys, but when I do, he says it throws his mind out of the game, hahaha. So I've tried asking when not actually attempting my seductress powers. Same result, more embarrassment. Perhaps it is my wording. He just gets wiggy around our actual sex life, but he'll talk about stuff like it a lot.

I am pretty vocal about my needs and desires. Out of the moment, that is. He has a pretty good idea of what I like, and I know a lot of stuff he likes. I'd like to know more. I feel like he's focusing on the bjs as one specific thing he likes a lot lately. But I know he likes other stuff. We discuss what we like, but discussing actually doing it tends to lead to wigginess. So sometimes he just does stuff, and bypass the talking part, or vice versa. But we should probably work on that. Cause I've noticed I am a lot more quiet in the moment of doing things than I am when I'm just snuggled up to him telling him things I like. Which doesn't help. But he is too; he silently instructs what he wants. Or he's just silent and I guess, and that's a little freaky at times. But I love him anyways, despite this.

[Heather]

I want to just also pipe in super-briefly to ask what you think about suggesting that you two take a little break from BJs, period (unless they're also something you really enjoy and want, but it's not really sounding like that's the case, which is probably something we should also talk about, as if you're not way into them yourself, I'm not sure why you're engaging in this kind of sex so much in the first place), and try to *both* focus on other things that *both* of you really enjoy, bot that also aren't so focused on only his genitals.

It seems like it might be one way to disrupt the pattern that's going on pretty simply and effectively, if it sounds good to you as one thing to try.

[Sam W]

Hi Wolves99,

Glad the articles were helpful! From what you're describing with the "wigginess" around talking about what you'll actually do during sex, I think "Be a Blabbermouth" my be especially helpful right now. If I'm reading right, it sounds like you have a little bit of trouble expressing your needs and desires in the moment. Do you have a sense of why that is?

In the conversations you two have been having over the last few days, were you able to communicate that the way in which he focuses on blowjobs tends to leaving you feeling more like an object than a partner? If so, how did that conversation go? I also second Heather's suggestion to think about taking blowjobs off the table for awhile and shifting your focus to other things.