Anger after Sexual Assault/ Abuse

[Jess@888]

I’ve been dating my current boyfriend since September 22, 2018 which we’ve been dating for nine months. I dealt with suppressed emotions from the sexual violences I went through. I remembered my step grandpa would walk on me when I’ll be changing into clothes after I took a shower as I was nine years old. I suppressed this as well as me being sexually harassed in seventh grade for not dating the guy who asked me out. This guy ended up sexually harassing me for saying no. When my dad implicitly sexually abused me, I was numb to this at 16 years old. The time I dated Dalton (abusive ex) I was beyond numb as I froze during his sexual abuse and assault. I suppressed many things from these events and I recently started to face this so that I can move forward. I remembered everything and mainly with Dalton. Dalton did manual sex extremely rough that caused me to have bad period cramps due to everything that happened between us and the way I suppressed this. Is all of these suppressed emotions normal?

[Amanda F]

Hi Jess99,

I'm so sorry that you experienced repeated sexual harassment and abuse. NONE of those experiences were your fault - not one of them. We're glad you're here on the message board - we're here to listen and help however we can.

Survivors of sexual abuse can have many different responses - everyone reacts in their own way. Whichever way you're feeling is okay and normal. There's no set timeframe for recovering from trauma.

Common responses to sexual assault do include anger and feelings of emotional numbness. Can you say a little more about what you mean when you say you have suppressed emotions? Which emotions do you feel like you may be suppressing?

Also, if it would be helpful, what other ways can we support you? In the meantime, RAINN has some wonderful resources for survivors of sexual abuse.

[Sam W]

Hi Jess,

In addition to what birds_chirping said, it may help to know that there are many survivors who try to suppress or otherwise push down thoughts or emotions related to the assault(s) they went through. You can almost think of it as your brain trying to protect you by keeping distressing emotions and memories in places where they're less likely to upset you on a regular basis. So, you're far from the first survivor to be going through this process of having those memories and feelings stop being suppressed as you heal (which is ultimately a good thing).

It sounds like these emotions are coming up as a result of the work you're doing healing from the assaults. Are you still seeing a counselor to help you with that process? If so, how is that going?

[Jess@888]

Thank you Sam and birds_chirping for your responses. To answer your question about suppressing my emotions bird_chirping, the emotions I suppressed was anger,fear, anxiety, guilt, and shame. I’d a hard time accepting this as I thought it was my fault going over to my ex’s house as he did rape and sexually abused me. To answer you Sam, I stopped seeing a counselor two months ago. I’m trying to process my own thoughts and emotions the way I’ve been learning to cope with it. I wasn’t angry at my ex until last week for the hurt he caused me pain wise and afterwards. I was mad that he never got reported and that allowed him to get away with hurting me due to numbness for the other sexual violences I went through as I viewed it as a PTSD flashback episode.

[Sam W]

It sounds like you've been using some of the coping skills you learned to help you with the recent flare up of emotions, which is a great practice in terms of taking care of yourself. I will say that if you notice these feelings tied to the assault getting more intense or harder to cope with, it may be sound to seek out some outside supports. That could look like calling a local rape crisis center just to talk to someone, or it could mean checking back in with a counselor (either your old one or a new one).

All of those feelings of anger are completely understandable given what happened. They may still feel a bit jarring if you've been suppressing them, but any and all feelings you have about the assaults are valid. And, in some ways, the anger is a sign that you're starting to shift the responsibility for the assault where it belongs: on him. Is there a way we could best support you right now?

[Jess@888]

I’m sorry for not replying back soon enough. I’ve been working with coping with my emotions and not allowing them to take over me due to my reactions when I was mad. After my ex raped/ sexually abused and assaulted me, I became impulsive and compulsive as I’d a hard time talking to people about this and afterwards due to the way people responded to me. It’s still hard to talk about it as I still bring it up without intending to do it.

[Sam W]

No need to apologize! It sounds like you've been doing work around coping with these emotions, which is a great step in taking care of yourself.

When you mention bringing all this up without intending to, can you say more about what that looks like? And would it be helpful to try some baby steps in terms of talking about it in spaces where you know you'll receive support? That could include continuing to talk about it here, as well as things like reaching out to local resources.

[Jess@888]

The way it feels like’s it comes out when I need to talk about it. I’ve been doing better by not talking about the traumatic things unless I need to do it. I’d like to take these steps slowly as I’m healing from everything I’ve been through with my dad and Dalton. I’m getting better by not reacting easily when I’m angry. I knew I did that out of defense due to past abuse I went through with my stepdad, dad, and Dalton. I know I’ll struggle with Dalton raping and sexually abusing me while we were together, but I don’t want it to overtake me as I won’t allow that.

[Sam W]

Recognizing that healing will likely take time is a really good gift to give yourself. Too, even if you do notice the anger hanging around to some degree, that's absolutely okay and understandable. Three people who ought to have been looking out for you chose to abuse you instead; you have every right to be angry at them for that for as long as you want.

How are you doing in terms of support around what happened? It sounds like you've talked to some people about it, but maybe they weren't supportive in their responses. Are their people, either friends or professionals, who you've been getting support from?

[Jess@888]

I’m sorry that I’m replying. I’ve been busy with work and other related things. I talked to some friends but some of them weren’t supportive. I was seeing a counselor at the time; however, I stopped seeing her due to college and finances. I started helping myself out which did help later. The problem I’d was coming into terms as that wasn’t easy. I’m glad I did because I trust my fiance now and my traumatic events don’t hinder me as much as I do. They come up when I’m extremely stressed, or they come up in my mind. I stopped talking to some friends as they told me I wanted it or they told me I dwelled on it excessively.

[Sam W]

No worries! I'm sorry that some of your friends blamed you or tried to minimize what happened, but it's good that you felt able to stop talking with them and focus instead of people who were supportive. It sounds like, little by little, you're finding ways to heal from what happened, and that's something you deserve to feel proud of.

With counseling, is that a kind of support you'd like to continue receiving? Because there may be a way to go through a local rape crisis center that would likely be free of charge.

[Jess@888]

Thank you, Sam! I’m allowing myself to heal. I’m interested to go into counseling if I need to get help with talking this out.

[Sam W]

You're welcome! I you ever need help getting linked up with counseling resources for survivors, that's definitely something we can help you with.